Salvation Through Suffering

A couple of weeks ago, I gave a talk in sacrament meeting entitled "Salvation Through Suffering."  I'm finally getting around to posting. Thanks for reading. :)

Celeste’s Talk January 26, 2014

Salvation Through Suffering

The Plan of Salvation is often known by several other names.  The Plan of Happiness.  The Plan of Righteousness. The Plan of Mercy.  Those words I understand, but there is one title that has always mystified me a little, and that is the Plan of Redemption. I knew that you could redeem a coupon for free ice cream at Cold Stone.  I knew that a bad argument could be redeemed by one really great point.  I’d heard of people redeeming mortgages or the government redeeming bonds.  I knew most importantly, and this is of course the real focus of my talk today, that the scriptures are replete with testimony that the Savior of mankind came to redeem His people.  So with all these many, very different usages, what does this word really mean? 

I learned these past few weeks that the word redeem has its roots in Latin and means to “buy back.”  If the Savior redeemed us, He must have bought us back from something, and back to something.  What is it?  And he bought us with a price.  What price?  Elder Holland once taught (and I’m paraphrasing a little for context), “I am convinced that (gospel living) is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy.  We are The Church of Jesus Christ…how could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for him? It seems to me that (members) have to spend at least a few moments in Gethsemane…Now, please don’t misunderstand.  I’m not talking about anything anywhere near what Christ experienced…but I believe that…to come to the truth, to come to salvation, to know something of this price that has been paid, we will have to pay a token of that same price…If (the Savior) could come forward in the night…and cry, ‘Abba, Father (Papa), if this cup can pass, let it pass,’ then little wonder that salvation is not a whimsical or easy thing for us.  If you wonder if there isn’t an easier way, you should remember you are not the first one to ask that.  Someone a lot greater and a lot grander than you asked a long time ago if there wasn’t an easier way…the only way to eternity is through Him—the Way, the Truth, and the Life.”[i]

Today, I’ve been asked to focus on a different but similar quote from Elder Holland, given in the most recent General Conference.  He taught of the struggles and trials that come to all of us, “in striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters, it is crucial to remember that we are living—and chose to live—in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again.  Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came.  It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive.”[ii]

I think most of us understand that when we actively apply the Atonement, the Savior is there to help us bear our burdens.  We think of the Comforter or of the promised blessings that await us, and we know that, first, these things are bearable.  And then, I think we mostly know, and can all testify, that our trials do become understandable, even if only in hindsight.  We learn valuable lessons and skills, we grow into our Divine Nature, we see how the Savior helps us and our testimony of Him is strengthened.  I’m not going to talk about that either.  J  I’d like to focus on the last part of Elder Holland’s quote, where our trials can be “finally redemptive,” or how we can be saved from our sins through them. 

Even more specifically, we basically have two kinds of trials—those that are consequences of our choices, and those over which we have no control.  I think we understand that, as we sin and consequently suffer, we are drawn into the repentance process and can be forgiven of sins.  So I’m not even going to cover that today.  But can we be saved from our sins even through suffering that occurs through no fault of our own?  The answer? Absolutely! 

As I’ve pondered the variety of trials I have endured in my own life, I can testify on a very personal level that there is truly salvation in suffering.  Why?  How is it done?  I’m honestly not totally sure.  But the scriptures testify of it again and again.  And I have felt it.  I noticed in studying this topic that it is particularly mentioned by the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi, the New Testament Apostle Paul, and to the early Saints in the Doctrine and Covenants.  This comes as no surprise if you consider the task that lay in front of each of them, establishing new branches of the Kingdom of God, which of necessity requires a cleansing, purifying power to make it His, make it work, and make it last. 

Nephi and his brothers endured suffering and temptations of nearly every kind, and severe chastening by the Lord.  Of course we know that Laman and Lemuel brought a lot of the chastening on themselves through wickedness, but even Nephi exclaimed in the throes of grief after his father (the prophet Lehi) passed away, “O wretched man that I am!  Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins.”[iii]  This is NEPHI.  He has come to be known to millions as the quintessential prophet of righteousness and obedience!  He had visions and blessings abound, but he was not exempt from suffering, usually at the hands of his brothers but sometimes just because that is life.  Yet even in this moment of his most profound sadness, he declared, “Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.  My God hath been my support (there’s the bearable)…He hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time (there’s the understandable)…He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh” (and THERE is the redemption).  

It is this humility, this ultimate leaning on the Lord and submissiveness to His will, patiently bearing all things, that enabled Nephi to be “bought back” from his sins and weaknesses and be made whole enough in spite of them to lead a family, and soon a whole people, into a promised land.  Nephi, a righteous prophet of God, was sanctified through his suffering.

The writings of the Apostle Paul abound with encouragement to the early Christians to not only bear their sufferings patiently but to rejoice in them.  “Rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings…if ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you.” [iv] (Bearable.) We are divine children of God with knowledge and power, “but we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.” [v] (Understandable.) “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”[vi] (There’s salvation in there.)  He taught that even Christ Himself not only earned our salvation through His suffering, but His own: “Though He were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered; And being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him.”[vii]

The early Saints in this dispensation have a similar story.  They were trying to do a massively great thing—establish the Lord’s church and kingdom again on the earth, with Jesus Christ at its head.  Sometimes mistakes were made, and sometimes they just needed refining.  “Zion cannot be built up unless it is by the principles of the law of the celestial kingdom,” the Lord taught, “and my people must needs be chastened until they learn obedience, if it must needs be, by the things which they suffer.” [viii] “Behold, this is the blessing which I have promised after your tribulations…your redemption, and the redemption of your brethren.” [ix] “Yet I will own them, and they shall be mine (for He truly bought them with a heavy price)…therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried…for those who will not endure chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified.”[x]  We know our history; we know how the Saints humbled themselves and grew through their sufferings into this divine vision.  Zion was indeed established in the Latter Days.

So it appears that much of our suffering is intended to humble us enough to come to the Lord again and again.  It is possible to come unto Christ without immense suffering, but most of us need a little hardship now and again as a reminder.  President Harold B. Lee taught of this suffering, “Some of us have been tried and have been tested until our very heart strings would seem to break…Sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea, for like the experience of the Master himself in the temptation on the mount, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and on the cross at Calvary, the scriptures record, ‘And behold, angels came and ministered unto him.’ Sometimes that may happen to you in the midst of your trials.”[xi]

“We don’t seek out tests, trials, and tribulations.  Our personal journey through life will provide just the right amount for our needs…At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope…it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses.  And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right.”[xii]

I know I have experienced this again and again, most recently when I lost Paul. There are no words to describe the pain that has come with this separation; it has been my greatest trial, facing day after day without him, knowing that it will be so for the rest of my time in mortality.  But there is also a very sacred sweetness that has come into my life as I have had to make the Savior my constant companion, one which I don’t have adequate words for but that doesn’t make it any less real or true. In the midst of my grief and in wrestling with the Spirit, on my knees I have come to know my Savior in a new light.  I felt this especially in the first weeks after his passing, largely, I know, because of the prayers and fasting of many of you on my behalf.  I was compelled to rely on others, and I felt the Spirit pouring down from heaven profoundly.  (It was bearable.) As I pondered this Plan of Redemption that I always believed, a more sure knowledge settled in my soul “as the dews from heaven,” and there are things of the Spirit I now know. Additionally, I was blessed to understand how the Lord had prepared me through other trials in my life to meet this challenge, and know that He would take care of me.  (It was understandable.)  I especially felt the love of our Savior when I needed it most, assuring me that I was forgiven and being purified, and that I was capable of loving and forgiving others.  (I knew I had been redeemed, and would be again and again as often as I came unto Him.) I don’t always feel this way now—life has a way of distracting us from these revelations—but I feel this especially when I sit at Paul’s graveside.  I’m human, of course--I worry and doubt and sin—but a calm assurance always comes that lets me know I am known and loved of the Lord.  I feel, again and again, saved.  Redeemed.  Bought back.  Back from my own sinfulness, back to that God that gave me life.  I have come to know that we must endure suffering to be reminded of our vulnerability, of our ultimate powerlessness and reliance on the Lord, to seek that constant connection that saves us.  I think no matter how righteous we are, we will spend our whole lives learning over and over again to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in Him, and deny (ourselves) of all ungodliness…then are (we) sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ.”[xiii]

I add my witness to that of the prophets of His redeeming power, and of the redemptive power of our trials.  We are saved through suffering—our own, and that of the Savior.  It is why we are here, and it is why He came.  I so testify in the name of our beloved Redeemer, even Jesus Christ, amen.

---

[i] “Missionary Work and the Atonement,” Jeffrey R. Holland, Mar. 2001 Ensign

[ii] “Like a Broken Vessel,” Jeffrey R. Holland, October 2013 General Conference

[iii] 2 Nephi 4: 17-21, 23

[iv] 1 Peter 4: 13-14

[v] 2 Corinthians 4: 7

[vi] 2 Corinthians 12:10

[vii] Hebrews 5: 8-9

[viii] D&C 105: 5-6

[ix] D&C 103: 13

[x] D&C 101:3-5

[xi] In Conference Report, Munich Germany Area Conference, 1973, pg. 114

[xii] “More than Conquerors Through Him that Loved Us,” Paul V. Johnson, April 2011 General Conference

[xiii] Moroni 10: 32-33

See also Romans 8: 37-39; Alma 5:26; Isaiah 43: 1-2; 2 Corinthians 1: 5-6; 1 Peter 1: 3-9; Hebrews 12: 6-14; Isaiah 53: 5; Galatians 3:24; James 1: 2-6; D&C 90: 36; Luke 21:28; Psalms 49:8; 3 Nephi 9: 13-14, 17, 21-22; Ephesians 1: 6-7; Mormon 9: 12-13; Alma 34:16; Alma 12: 33-34; “The Purifying Power of Gethsemane” by Bruce R. McConkie (April 1985 General Conference); “An High Priest of Good Things to Come” by Jeffrey R. Holland (October 1999 General Conference); “None Were With Him” by Jeffrey R. Holland (April 2009 General Conference); “Broken Things to Mend” by Jeffrey R. Holland (April 2006 General Conference)

Apparently I'm not finished thinking yet. :)

I love being Mormon.  I do.  I believe the gospel it in its *entirety.*  I focus my life on it.  I mourn my family and friends who have lost the influence of the goodness of the gospel of Christ as restored and revealed to modern-day prophets, through modern-day scripture. 

But I understand sometimes why people leave.  People are people, and Mormons are no exception. 

One thing that has recently bothered me, not about our doctrine but about our CULTURE, is that as Mormons we put a lot of focus on WORKS.  And works are important.  FOR SURE!!!  The commandments, ancient and modern, are meant to bring us peace and progression.  Numerous scriptures, quotes from general authorities, even secular theories tout the importance of building good habits and living a good life.  I firmly believe that actions speak louder than words, that living righteously makes us worthy of the Spirit and revelation that follows, that you can't have a solid democracy/republic without the virtue of its citizens, and that hyposcrisy, contention, drugs, laziness, etc. are of the devil. 

The problem is not in teaching righteousness, but in teaching it separately and compartmentalized from the Atonement.  I know this is a main factor in most of my family leaving the Church.  We focus an awful lot on our duty to the law--the Word of Wisdom, the Law of Chastity, For the Strength of Youth standards, tithing, and a million other laws to follow and things to avoid because, let's face it, that's what we can CONTROL.  And we have to teach these things, by word and example.  But all of these things are appendages to the gospel, not the gospel itself.  BEING GOOD PEOPLE IS NOT THE GOOD NEWS!  The good news should MAKE you a good person.  Sometimes I feel like we teach these things backwards, like "after all we can do" comes BEFORE the "it is by grace that we are saved" part.  Does that make sense?

This makes me remember something else I read earlier this week, an article by someone of another faith. (You can read the whole thing HERE) who was pondering the reasons kids leave church, even for a short while.  The whole thing is great, even if we have different faiths we agree on one thing: the doctrine of CHRIST MUST be at the center.  Forgive me, I am just going to quote some of my favorite parts because he says exactly what I've been thinking much better than I ever could:

"The evangelical church isn’t catechizing or teaching our kids the fundamentals of the faith, we’re simply encouraging them to “be nice” and “love Jesus”. (Insert any other "doing" law here.)  When they leave home, they realize that they can be “spiritually fulfilled” and get the same subjective self-improvement principles (and warm-fuzzies) from the latest life-coach or from spending time with friends or volunteering at a shelter. And they can be truly authentic, and they jump at the chance because…

They can’t do it. They know it. All that “be nice” moralism they’ve been taught? The bible has a word for it: Law. And that’s what we’ve fed them, undiluted, since we dropped them off at the Noah’s Ark playland: Do/Don’t Do. As they get older it becomes “Good Kids do/don’t” and as adults “Do this for a better life”. The gospel appears briefly as another “do” to “get saved.” But their diet is Law, and scripture tells us that the law condemns us. So that smiling, upbeat “Love God and Love People” vision statement? Yeah, you’ve just condemned the youth with it. Nice, huh? They either think that they’re “good people” since they don’t “do” any of the stuff their denomination teaches against (drink, smoke, dance, watch R rated movies), or they realize that they don’t meet Jesus own words of what is required. There’s no rest in this law, only a treadmill of works they know they aren’t able to meet. So, either way, they walk away from the church because…

Our kids are smart. They picked up on the message we unwittingly taught. If church is simply a place to learn life-application principals to achieve a better life in community… you don’t need a crucified Jesus for that...As we jettisoned the gospel, our students are never hit with the full impact of the law, their sin before God, and their desperate need for the atoning work of Christ. Now THAT is relevant, THAT is authentic, and THAT is something the world cannot offer."

Something to think about as we teach our children, our primary and youth classes, our wards...are you putting it all into perspective of the PLAN OF SALVATION?  Is Christ REALLY at the center of your lessons, your lives, or is He only in words?  Because if not, you are treading dangerous, exhausting waters.  In my humble opinion.

Thank goodness for a Heavenly Father who stands ready as our lifeguard, every moment!  And the Savior is the lifesaver He throws to us.  We can tread water and swim like pros, set our course and do our best, but it won't get us out of the water.  "He, Only One" can do that for us--and, in fact, He already has and continues to do so every day we let Him.

Just a quick something that I learned today...

We had a particularly awesome sacrament meeting today.  A friend of mine got up and gave one of the most honest, humbling talks I may have ever heard.  And I don't even remember most of it.  But the point was this:

The gospel doesn't always make your life HAPPIER.  But it DOES make it BETTER.

What do we do when all the little discouragments and setbacks "don't lead us to a happy, shiny ending, but instead prepare us" for the even bigger disappointments yet to come?  What if life is just plain hard, always, with only a few fleeting moments of respite in between?  Is the gospel still worth it?

This is something I have been pondering myself lately, this fact that "happier" and "better" aren't the same thing.  This idea of pleasure vs. happiness vs. joy.  The purpose of our trials, especially when you can't seem to catch a break from them.  The command to "be of good cheer."  Or even just the absence of noticeable blessings, especially if you've been praying and working for them for a long time.  And while I DO think that the perspective the gospel brings CAN bring happiness and peace in the NOW, I don't think that's the point of it.  If it is, we've ALL OF US missed the mark at some point or another and have no reason to continue.  And I know from experience that it's not always true that living righteously brings happiness in this life.  The point is that even if NOT, the gospel is still true.  The GOOD NEWS is still TRUE!  We have a Savior that succors us, that walks through these things with us.  He has suffered for our sins and made salvation possible.  We suffer to learn and grow.  You can't really learn and grow WITHOUT suffering and sacrificing (at least a little).  Especially when it comes to things of the Spirit.  We become more like the Savior when we stop trying to be happy (which is, at its core, a little selfish, even if it's necessary) and start trying to be better, to reach out to others and make THEM happier (isn't that what He did?).  Once again, that awesome talk, "But If Not," reiterates the fact that none of us are exempt from this thing we call LIFE.  Life isn't fair.  It's not easy, it doesn't go according to plan, and even if you try really hard to be grateful and faithful, most days are just "okay" at best.  But even if we have to wait 'til the next life for everything to be settled or fair or to receive the FULNESS of joy, the gospel is still worth knowing and living.  Because we're trying to become GODLY. 

That is a pretty lofty goal, don't you think? 

Feeling Inspired :)

I've had a lot of small-but-sweet experiences this week in feeling inspired or receiving revelation.  I often feel contentment or peace or comfort or a vague sense of direction, but actual revelation--that I can't doubt or trivialize later--that's kinda rare for me.  I know it really shouldn't be, but I guess it's something I'm either still learning or it's just not necessary/in the Lord's timing for me most of the time right now.  Anyway, this week has been different.  Nothing exceptional has HAPPENED in other aspects of my life, but it seems like every time I pray, or fast, or study, with all my heart, I get these clear and concise answers.  No extra work, no soul-searching or wrestling with the Spirit or waiting on the Lord's timing as usual (which, I suppose, means that my timing is for once and rarely aligned with His :).  It's wonderful!  I wonder if this is how the apostles feel ALL THE TIME.  :)  Anyway, most of these are really too personal or too complicated to express well in a single blog post, but here's the Reader's Digest version:

*I love the Bishop.  On Sunday I was fasting about something, not even realizing that the HEART of this problem was something else entirely, and on Sunday our bishop bore testimony about things that had nothing to do with what I was thinking about or wanting but EVERYTHING to do with what I was needing.  It's rare for me to cry, especially in public, but I was reduced to tears by the feeling that Heavenly Father loved ME and wanted to tell ME these IMPORTANT, eternal, comforting, inspiring truths...and he did it through inspiring the bishop.  I'm grateful he was paying attention.

*I was still concerned about this other, smaller thing, of course.  And a few other, smaller things, too.  So I've been praying a little more sincerely and specifically before my gospel study--no matter how it looks that day--that I would be led by the Spirit, because I really believe if we could master the art of having the Spirit with us always we would need little else.  As I read in Alma 5, once again completely unrelated to the readings at hand, I had a very clear...not really vision, but just a clear idea and picture in my mind of what I should do about an issue I've been pouring over for MONTHS.  And it was SO SIMPLE, and so perfect.  I wrote it down immediately, and kept reading, and AGAIN, another issue I hadn't even been thinking about consciously but HAD been mulling over in the back of my mind was answered--just like that.  I'm not used to this immediacy or certainty in revelation, but I sure could get used to it!  :)

*I really LOVE the Ensign this month.   Every once in a while it seems like all (or almost all) of the articles are just FOR ME.  This is one of those months.  There have been a few more answers to questions I've already wrestled with for months or years, and there have been promises of answers to come.  There have been moments of empathy and realization that my problems are not mine alone--not only does Heavenly Father know of them and bear them with us if we invite Him to, but chances are really good that in some small way MANY OTHER PEOPLE also understand.  The specifics are different from person to person, of course, but the general problems people face are the same, not only across the world but across time.  With articles titled "Building a Loving Home After Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family," "Finding Peace Through Forgiveness," "Learning to Cope With Infertility," and a few articles about "Counseling Together in Marriage" or in callings, it seems like all these issues that have been sort of popping up a lot lately for me have all been addressed in a single issue. 

What are the odds?

I'm so very, very far from perfect.  In fact, I'm very, very far from the person I want to be.  I do try my best most days, but I still fall SO SHORT of where I feel I ought to be--I definitely live beneath my privileges.  But *I* have power to change what I can, and to know HOW to change.  And I also have power to accept that the Lord sometimes has to be in charge of moments of my life instead of me, because sometimes there really is nothing I can do.  Learning to have both kinds of faith and when isn't easy, and I'm definitely still a work in progress.  But I'm grateful that, every once in a while, He brings that home to me with all He's got, because He knows how slow I can be sometimes to understand or believe and sometimes I just need those "2-by-4" answers (you know the kind, where you feel like you're getting hit on the head with a 2-by-4, it's just that clear).  I hope I can continue this process of revelation by faithfully acting on the promptings I've been receiving...starting with blogging about it.

That is why I believe.  :)

General Conference!

I love General Conference weekend.  Every year, in April and October, we have an entire weekend where we get to hear messages from the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  The word of God, from His living prophets right to my living room!  It's a peaceful weekend for us (maybe it's just because we don't have small children to occupy for basically 8 hours of church meetings :).  Whatever your circumstances, I completely invite you to browse the archives--you can watch, listen, read (soon), or download any talk of interest from the lds.org website, HERE.

I always find I get a whole lot more out of Conference, though, when I come with a question or concern or something that I really need.  After praying about this problem and asking the Lord to inspire even just one of His servants to speak to my needs, I am always surprised, again and again, that He actually answers these prayers so directly!  He has never let me down, not once, as long as I've done my part to prepare. 

Lately I've been overcome with emotion as I meet with the Primary presidency to discuss various children and their families' needs in our ward.  I've worked over the past two years at forgiving others and myself for things that happened in the past.  I've struggled with Caida's seizures and fear every night for her safety.  I worry always about our own little family--am I doing enough?  Are my expectations too high?  Will we ever have children?  How do I balance the worldly demands and my spiritual yearnings?  The list of concerns goes on and on, as I know it does for everyone.  I've realized recently that my emotions are almost overwhelming many days, though, to the point that I can't reason through a problem or recognize those gentle promptings of the Spirit as much as I would like. Many times people have asked what I think about something or other and I have found myself speechless, just a bottle of emotion welling up and about to burst, and I have no idea what to do with all of it.  As I've struggled to find a voice for my hurt, anger, envy, frustrations, caution, and self-consciousness, as well as my elations and excitement and love, I've realized what it means to WRESTLE with the Spirit.  I've realized the many ways my faith falls short and the miles I have yet to travel along this path toward eternal life.

If you are anything like me (and chances are that at least ONE of you are), here are the talks I found particularly and especially inspiring in these sessions:

Elder Richard G. Scott's talk about feeling the Holy Ghost. (Saturday Afternoon Session)
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk about forgiveness. (Sunday Morning Session)
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk about justice, mercy, and not being envious of other's successes. (Saturday Afternoon Session)
President Henry B. Eyring's talk about adversity and trials as a means of strengthening our faith. (Saturday Morning Session)
 

More on all of this later.  :)  Stay tuned for some more impressions and even some Conference-inspired printable art sure to come soon!  Hope you all enjoyed your Sundays, wherever you were and whatever you were doing. But I know that listening to the words of the prophets is the best thing I could've done this weekend, and I'm so grateful to have made the small sacrifices it takes to listen...I always get so much more out of it than I put into it.  And that is why I believe.

To the many of you who also participated in Conference weekend--what was your favorite part?

Thankful for God's Love

I consider myself a person of faith.  But *knowing* I have a Father in Heaven that loves me and is waiting to hear from me through prayer and bless my life is one thing, and *feeling* it is something completely different.  With Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I have to say the one thing I am most grateful for this year is how much the Lord has really and truly helped lately me to *feel* His awareness of little ol' me and all my fears, pains, desires, and dreams.

It sort of started with the General Relief Society Meeting of General Conference...our stake did a beautiful, uplifting musical fireside beforehand and all the talks during Conference were wonderful.  But then there was that instant classic of a talk by President Uchtdorf, which you can watch HERE.  I know every woman who has watched it feels like he was talking directly to them, but I'm pretty sure he was ACTUALLY talking to me.  Those five things are the five things I most needed to hear.  They are the things I struggle with the most, in one way or another.  And I love God for inspiring President Uchtdorf to say those tender things that all women need to be reminded of in a way that we all understand and respond to.

It didn't end there, though.  I had been praying and studying at this time about two main topics: "Consider the lilies," that famous scripture and all the ideas that it portrays (something I really struggle with is just "letting go and letting God" take over...and it seemed especially important to learn to trust Him these last few months), and how to be a better teacher.  Do you know what song was sung in our Stake Conference just a few weeks later, after I had studied these things?  "Consider the Lilies."  And the entire adult session was all about becoming a better teacher.  How aware is the Lord of me?  :)

In our family life, we have been struggling for months with several things and trying to find a way out and had really just sort of given up and accepted the fact that this was our lot and we'd just have to deal.  But then, as we talked more and prayed about how to better ourselves and our situation, many things sort of just fell into place.  With our apartment, we decided to stand up for ourselves and fight them, and part of that included getting out of that complex.  We had had our eyes on this (much pricier but worth the money) place for a while, and it just so happened that a family was looking for someone to take over their lease two weeks later, which was in the time frame we'd have to move.  To afford it, and for a host of other reasons, Paul had been looking for another job for months.  But it's hard in this economy anyway, especially without a college degree.  Lo and behold, the day that a sweet sister in our ward put our names on the prayer roll in the temple is the day Paul gets approached by an old friend and coworker about a job that had better pay and fewer hours, and within two weeks he had applied for it, interviewed, and accepted it.  Money was tight with the move, but we've had opportunities just sort of present themselves where we can earn a few extra dollars here or there.  Prayers about small and stupid things have been answered when they usually seem to go unnoticed.  People have been extra kind.  I feel more hope that things will eventually be okay in my life and more peace that even if they aren't, the Lord still loves me and is willing to show me that, every day. 

I just feel so blessed.  These kinds of things, and many other small and tender mercies, have been happening a LOT lately.  I feel like the Lord took this wonderful talk from President Uchtdorf and said to me, "You know, I'm not just going to tell you all this.  I'm going to PROVE it to you."  And, frankly, I have needed it.  I think we all go through times in our lives where we feel strong enough, or at least solid enough in our testimonies, that *knowing* is enough to get us through.  But these last few months I have been struggling with very internal hurts and frustrations and disappointments more than usual, and I have really needed to *feel* that perfect love in my life.  I'm so grateful that the Lord knows us, and our needs, so intimately that He can succor us in unique ways at any given time of our lives.  But I'm especially grateful that He has shown ME His love in the last month so explicitly that there is no room for doubt or despair.  It's such a rejuvenating experience, and what a fresh start!

And if He loves little ol' me, a sinner and a housewife and a nobody, you can bet your life that He loves you, too.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Why I Believe Wednesday: The Priesthood

The priesthood, for you non-LDS readers, is basically the power and authority of God, given to mankind to act in His name to bless His children.  Women in our church do not hold the priesthood--not because of anything demeaning to women, but because it is a responsibility men in this patriarchal church have as a division of labor (and women have their own responsibilities that are equally important and valued in the eyes of God, with their own associated blessing, not to mention we work together with men in unison with our unique strengths and responsibilities so we can better build up the kindgom of God in an orderly way).  No one can use this priesthood for themselves, and women still receive all the blessings associated with the priesthood (particularly in marriage), and most righteous priesthood holders have said at one time or another that men *need* the priesthood to be as discerning and aware of the needs of others as women already naturally are, so it doesn't bother this feminist one bit.  And, in fact, I LOVE it.

The priesthood is used in many ways.  All ordinances of the gospel, including those in the temple, are performed by the authority of the priesthood.  This makes sense to me--you can't pull someone over and give them a parking ticket unless you're a cop, so how much MORE important is it for things of eternal consequences to have a need for authority?  So far, I have received many blessings through partaking in the ordinances of baptism and confirmation, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, renewing those sacred covenants through the weekly ordinance of the sacrament, and receiving my endowment in the temple before being sealed to my husband for time and all eternity.  These are general blessings that the priesthood can do for anyone who is willing to seek for them.

The priesthood is also used to give very personal blessings--blessings for the sick, blessings of comfort and direction, patriarchal blessings, and more are all blessings we as members of Christ's church have access to--indeed, a NEED for and a RIGHT to, if we are faithful.  I've seen the miracle of this priesthood power in my life, even more poignantly than the saving ordinances listed earlier. 

I think the first experience I can remember is when I was only 5 or 6 years old.  My little sister was born with mutliple non-cancerous tumors on her body that continue to grow whenever they feel like it, so she's had multiple surgeries to have them removed when they pinch a nerve, cause her bones to start growing in a way they're not supposed to, or push into her lungs.  When she was 4, she also had pneumonia and had to stay in the hospital.  I don't remember much of my childhood, but I remember looking down on her as she was in this plasticy tube struggling to breathe, and I remember my dad giving her a blessing.  I had been taught about these things, so my innocent child-mind just sort of understood that because she had been given a blessing and promised she would be okay, I had no reason to worry.  And I didn't.  She recovered, and has had many blessings since for these tumors and her surgeries, and every time those priesthood blessings give me comfort and strength.

One time when I was a teenager (my parents had just split up, but we were still in our Battle Ground house), my dad got sick.  I mean, randomly and suddenly, he went from my dad to a person I couldn't understand at all who looked like he was going to fall over any minute.  His speech was incoherent and his eyes had a glazed-over look, and I at first panicked...I'm the oldest, who else is going to help me?  What do I even do?  But I made out something in his words that asked for a priesthood blessing, and, thankfully, our neighbors across the street had several priesthood holders.  So I rushed over and called a few of them to help, and (true to worthy priesthood holder fashion) they dropped everything to run to our aid.  They gave my dad a blessing, and immediately he was improving.  That was the first time I really remember *needing* the priesthood to work, *wondering* if it would, instead of just taking for granted that of course everything would be fine.

Still, I suppose I needed more testimony-building experiences.  I'd had father's blessings before school almost every year, and blessings of comfort and health, but, again, it was just sort of what you did/needed, I didn't really appreciate them or take home a greater testimony of the priesthood itself.  There was a time at BYU when I was really taught, very personally, what an incredible power and MIRACLE this priesthood is. I was visiting my aunt and uncle and cousins over a holiday weekend.  I wasn't feeling great, but mostly that was due to women's issues and you just sort of persevere.  Well, on Sunday morning I became VERY ill, much worse than I've ever been before or since.  And it happened suddenly, too.  I became not only nauseated and crampy, but dizzy, to the point I was certain I would faint.  At first I laid on the couch to slow the spinning, but that wasn't stable enough.  I laid down on the floor, face pressed to the carpet.  Still spinning.  I couldn't even *think* straight.  My aunt called for my uncle (who'd already walked to church, gotta love Utah!) and he came back with another priesthood holder to give me a blessing.  Now, normally when I get a blessing, it's comforting the way a person's kind words are comforting, at least for me.  And it gives me some direction that I *know* I should follow.  But this experience was unlike anything I've had before or since...it was a physical sensation.  It was literally as though the moment they placed their hands on my head and began pronouncing a blessing of healing, I felt this warmth and light and clarity of mind start at the top of my head and continue down through my mind and into my heart and stomach.  I just knew, and still know now, that I was feeling the power of God flowing through me.  And I was healed, in that moment.  It doesn't totally make sense, if you think about it.  I feel in my heart that that was a God-given experience, just to help me appreciate the priesthood more in my own life.

Not all priesthood blessings are so *obviously* miraculous, of course.  With my own health problems, I have been given several blessings of healing, but I have yet to see those blessings come to pass fully.  I've been given counsel and promises in some blessings, from years ago even, that are still playing out today. And I know that sometimes, the sick are blessed to an eternal rest instead of being healed the way we want them to be.  Having the priesthood doesn't mean we have a "get out of jail free" card for all our problems.  But it DOES mean that God loves His children.  He has organized a way to bless them--US--in every facet of our lives, and He is there in our darkest moments to whisper comfort, peace, direction, and hope to us.  He is aware of our needs, and every priesthood blessing and ordinance is a testimony to that fact.  I know, too, being married to a priesthood holder, that learning to truly magnify that priesthood is a sanctifying experience, for the man who holds it and all the people whose lives he touches through it.  I am so grateful that God still speaks to us today, not only through a prophet, but through the least of us.  And He never forgets us.  How could you not want those blessings associated with the priesthood in your life--in your home? 

I've been blessed by the priesthood power, and there yet are blessings to receive and miles to go before I sleep.  That is why I believe.

Why I Believe Wednesday: Paul

Forgive me.  I'm going to get personal and mushy. 

I love my husband.  Tons.  And bunches. 

I won't say much more than that.  But I love having someone who believes the same things I do, someone to learn and grow with. 

Mostly I love our conversations. Last night we got to have like a 6-hour conversation, with topics ranging from teaching to gospel truths to tv shows and everything in between.  I love moments like that.  And it was confirmed to me several times throughout the evening that even though we are both so very imperfect and sometimes have no idea what we're doing, in our marriage or in life, I am lucky to have him by my side as my best friend and true companion while we figure it out.  And talking with him reinforced everything I'd been thinking about lately, with regards to the teachings of the gospel and what we want our home and our family to become.  I think we really do complement each other very well--we're not all that alike, but we still get each other (most of the time) and share in one another's interests and joys.  He's a great supporter without pushing too hard.  I try to do likewise.  He reminds me of the Plan and of the end goal.  Having a covenant marriage really does push us both to be better so we can get there.  I love the person Paul is and the person I know he will become.  And I don't deserve.  But God blessed me, anyway.  And I know sometimes I take him for granted.  But God blesses us BOTH, anyway, and sometimes I remember why marriage is so important--the very essence and purpose of the gospel. 

That is why I believe.  :)

Why I Believe Wednesday: Primary Songs!

I have always loved primary songs, ever since I was actually in primary.  :)  I sing them when I do dishes (well, that and Disney) and I teach them to Caida.  I just love them.  Even more than the hymns, they bring a special spirit into our home.  I love hearing children, especially children I love, sing such simple and sweet melodies with all the accompanying basic truths of the gospel.  Every year, come primary program time, I am completely floored and choked up when our kiddos sing the first song, whatever it happens to be.  And I fight back bawling like a baby the whole meeting.  The Spirit is just that strong, and my faith is strengthened.  But is it any wonder?  I mean, look at even just their titles/first lines:

I am a child of God.
My Heavenly Father loves me.
I know my Father lives.
I lived in Heaven.
Tell me the stories of Jesus.
He died that we might live again.
Reverence is more than just quietly sitting.
Our chapel is a sacred place.
I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!
Scripture POWER!
Search, ponder, and pray.
Dare to do right/Stand for the right.
Kindness begins with me.
Here we are together.
Love is spoken here.
I'm trying to be like Jesus.
I'll seek the Lord early.
I hope they call me on a mission.
I am a builder.
The family is of God.
Families can be together forever.
Family history--I am doing it!
I love to see the temple (I'm going there someday).
If I listen with my heart I'll hear the Savior's voice.

Surely "singing a song is fun to do...fun to do, to do, to do..." but in the gospel music is so much more than just fun.  Every time I sing these songs and all the others--or even just hear someone else sing them--I feel the Spirit testifying of those simple truths.  Sometimes that Spirit feels excited, like when we belt out proudly, "I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!" or "Scripture power keeps me safe from sin!"  Sometimes it feels quiet and peaceful and still, like "Reverence is More than Just Quietly Sitting" or "I Love to See the Temple."  Sometimes it's a happy, fluttery feeling, like "I am a Builder" or "I Hope They Call Me On a Mission."  But every time, it's the Spirit, confirming what I already know.

God lives. He loves me.  He is my Father in Heaven.  He loves me so much that "He Sent His Son" to live, die, and live again for me.  The purpose of life is to prove my love back so I can return to Him and to gain experience that will help me become more like Him in the eternities.  Part of that glorious Plan of Happiness is establishing families on the earth that can be perpetuated beyond the grave, but only through sacred ordinances performed in temples.  I know this, and I can sing these songs with confidence because I know this.  That is why I believe.

Why I Believe Wednesday: The Prophets

With General Conference coming up, and the First Presidency message in the Ensign this month about preparing for it, I've been thinking about what it means to me to have a prophet on the earth today.  I don't have a lot to say on the subject, other than I know we DO and I know that if we listen to his words we'll do okay in this life.  I know that it's a blessing to have continued revelation today, not only personally but universally, for the whole world, through the Lord's mouthpiece.  And I know that it's important to study the words of the modern prophets, apply those words in our lives, and be excited about it.  If we do this, we're happy and prepared for the future, come what may.

Why do I believe this, though?  What experiences have I had that have convinced me of the truth that we have a prophet of God on the earth today that leads and guides not only the church but the whole world?  I think I've already talked about President Hinckley before.  He was the first prophet I remember just loving and having a testimony of his calling and his mantle.  Seeing him in person, at BYU devotionals and at general conference, confirmed what I already knew. 

I remember a time in high school when a friend of mine was investigating the Church, and she asked about the whole drinking caffeine/tea/coffee thing...and the multiple piercings thing.  Now, I'm not judging those members who drink caffeinated drinks.  To each his/her own, and the prophets haven't spelled that out so it's not a commandment.  But I remember my dad saying once that the prophet said he personally didn't do it, and if the prophet thought it was wrong, then my dad figured he ought not do it, either.  That's sort of the attitude I have.  I can live without it, so why bother?  Coffee and tea are more clearly spelled out, of course.  Anyway, when my friend asked me why *I* didn't drink caffeine, I started talking about the effects of those kinds of drugs in our systems, and then I went into the word of wisdom, but almost immediately I instead felt prompted to testify of the prophet.  I said something along the lines of, "I don't know all the reasons why we are told to do or not do everything, but I DO know that I trust the prophet--not just because I'm supposed to, but because when he speaks I feel the Spirit talking to me and I know that he's speaking for God.  And God's always right, even if I don't understand Him."  She told me she thought that was the best answer she'd ever heard in all her questionings with other LDS friends.  What a powerful influence a testimony of the prophet can be!  That moment not only helped strengthen her growing testimony, but sharing it with her increased my own.  (In case you're wondering, after months of attending early morning seminary and such, she was eventually baptized near the end of our senior year, but she fell less active in college...I still think of her often and wonder where/how she is!)

My freshman year at BYU I was a gospel doctrine teacher.  I remember one lesson, not so much how we got there, but discussing about progression, organization, and callings in the Church.  Someone talked about the prophet as the head of the Church, and I felt inspired to gently correct him--after all, Christ is the head.  We discussed how many organizations in the world are like a pyramid, with the president at the top, having the most power and having the base of the pyramid under his control.  But the prophet is really at the base of an inverted pyramid; he singularly bears the worldly weight of the Church, and holds us up as one.  Yes, he has more power and authority from God where matters of the whole church and world are concerned, because of the keys he holds.  But it's not as though you're "promoted" to a prophet and everyone serves you...you serve everyone else.  I gained a greater testimony of the kind of men our prophets must be, to be entrusted with that responsibility...what kind of character we all must develop if we want to serve our fellow men more effectively.

I am so excited for General Conference, where we get to hear from our prophet today, President Thomas S. Monson, and all his counselors, and the twelve apostles, and other leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I can't wait to hear the things we as a world need to work on for these next six months, and I can't wait to study them with Paul in the coming weeks for FHE and find ways to apply their teachings into our lives and our family.  I know, because I DO TRY to follow as best as I can, that if we obey their teachings we really are happier, plain and simple.  And that is why I believe.

Why I Believe Wednesday: Tender Mercies

There is a great (and kinda famous) talk by Elder Bednar about the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father that has really stuck with me.  He defines tender mercies as "a most personal and timely message of comfort and reassurance through" some small act, something that many may only see as a coincidence or a generality but that in fact are "the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ" and that mean the whole world to you.

Of course, if you're trying to live your life well, you have so many of these moments, even in your darkest hour, that it's hard to remember them all.  But I've had a few recently that I can share, and I hope that in so doing I add my witness to Elder Bednar's that the small happy moments that happen in our lives are not (at least, not always) mere coincidences. 

I remember one time, on a summer road trip with my family, I was sitting in the front seat on a particularly HOT day.  I mean, HOT.  And stagnantly so.  The kind of heat that adds to the irritability and contention inside of you.  And our air conditioner was broken.  We were on the verge of overheating.  And THEN, we got stuck in traffic on the interstate because of an accident.  Now, I should have been thinking more about the welfare of those in the accident, but in fact I was just struggling with all the hot frustration bubbling up inside of me.  Suddenly, just as I was literally about to punch the dashboard, a strong breeze blew through the car and it was like a cool, fresh shower.  Just instantly calmed me.  And I was smart enough then to thank God immediately.

Not too long ago (maybe a week?), I heard a terrible sound in our car.  We have been having car problems, anyway, and don't have the funds to fix it yet, but it's the only means of transportation Paul and Cerene have to work, not to mention me and running errands.  And Caida was in the car with me.  I was just praying SO HARD that the car wouldn't blow up!  I made Caida pray for me as I drove home that we would be safe, and that I'd know what to do, because I honestly couldn't handle losing the car at this moment.  Well, I know nothing about cars at all, and am used to assuming the worst, but I had the thought to look at something we had plugged in between the two seats (even though it SOUNDED like it was coming from the engine), and sure enough, when I unplugged it, the sound went away.  I cried, I was so happy.

There are things in my patriarchal blessing that sound SUPER generic.  I mean, SUPER, like anyone is entitled to the same blessings or has the same gifts.  But then something happens in my life, or in some quiet moment of reflection I realize just how personalized it is for me, and how inspired the patriarch was.  One of those moments just happened two Sundays ago; something that I had interpreted in one way and completely forgotten was suddenly called to my remembrance and had a whole new dimension of meaning to me.  I saw it in a different light, and it made me instantly feel liek Heavenly Father loved me and was trying to teach me about myself...and confirmed my testimony of my patriarchal blessing all over again.

I've already mentioned the apartment problems we've been having.  The air has just felt sick and stale and I've been feeling so very BEATEN.  And we've had some money problems and have been eating like poor college kids and I was just so sick of mac n cheese and rice!  Then, in the last few days, the weather has been SO COOL after a ridiculously hot summer, so we've been able to open the windows during the day and air out the apartment while they rip out the moldy ceiling/walls and re-drywall everything.  It's not perfect, but I don't feel sick all the time anymore.  And my mom went shopping and brought us back several grocery bags full of food--including fresh produce, meat, and yogurt/cheese--AND Paul's mom gave us some money to get gas and such.  We are feeling SO blessed, and so grateful that the Lord has remembered us.


I have so many stories like these.  "The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us...when words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone."


Sometimes, the Lord is speaking His love in a language that only you can understand.  I know that those "tender mercies" are what get us through the daily trudge, while we're waiting for the bigger moments to occur.  And maybe we just need the hindsight that comes in the Lord's timing for us to see that.  I've begun to catch a glimpse...and that is why I believe.

Why I Believe Wednesday: People

I have started this post a bajillion times, and every time with a different subject.  But what has been on my mind lately and what I really want to write about are the people in my life that have made me who I am and who have, by listening to the Spirit, been answers to my prayers.

Isn't it amazing when you really struggle with something, and think no one understands, and then you meet someone or talk with an old friend and realize you aren't alone in the world? 

Doesn't your heart soften a little when you see someone in need, especially if it's a need you can fill?  Doesn't your heart melt when someone fills a need of YOURS that you didn't even express, or that you know put them out a little to be the answer to your prayers?

Aren't you inspired when you meet some people, whether it's because they've face enormous challenges and conquered them with the power of faith and the human spirit or just because they are a good person and you want to be a little more like them in some small way?

When you think about your closest friends, and where you would be without them, are you a little awed that they know you so completely and love you anyway?  Aren't you grateful that they had the influence they did on you that kept you going when maybe you would have faltered on your own?

No matter who your family is or what relationships you have with each member, isn't there just a whole lot of love behind it all?  The kind of love that keeps you trying to create instead of destroy beautiful relationships that will last beyond the grave?

When you are seeking choice human experiences, don't they always involve people you love or admire by your side?  Isn't everything more beautiful and more fun when you have someone to share it with?

As much joy as there is in being loved by others, isn't it even more joyous to love them?  No matter what?

I may not have a lot of friends, and my family may occasionally drive me insane...but I am SO blessed to have these amazing people in my life nonetheless.  My friends are incredible, and without them I literally would not be alive today.  My family is loving and MINE, *FOREVER*.  I know that Heavenly Father put us on the earth together instead of on our own little planets for a reason.  Salvation, and happiness, cannot be achieved alone.  Yes, it is we who must make our own choices INCLUDING happiness, but if we could truly do it alone we wouldn't be here, trying to figure it all out together.  We are social creatures, but more than that, we are FAMILY.  Brothers and sisters.  People who need people.  And when I meet people that embody that in the best of ways, I feel more connected to humanity.  If it were just a matter of biological or sociological imperatives, I don't think I'd feel that way about the people I meet and the people I love.  I don't think people would be moved to help others so selflessly.  I don't think you could even trust the happiness in the relationships you have.  But knowing where we all came from, what we all chose to do in this mortal life, and where we all want to end up--those are the ties that bind.  God knew that, and He provided a way for us to all be together, FOREVER.  That way is through the saving ordinances in the temple, which is what makes it such a sacred, beautiful, holy, necessary place.  It's also through our daily actions as we learn to love others in our own spheres of influence, even as the Savior loves us.  I know that.  I love that.  And I'm trying to live that.  Maybe I fail occasionally, but I keep trying, because I know what we are all trying to do and to become.  That is why I love people, even when I sometimes don't understand them.  And that is why I believe.    

Why I Believe Wednesday: Women at the Well

At BYU, my friend Clair decided our mega-talented ward needed to put on a production of the LDS musical "Women at the Well."  I was her assistant director and a narrator, but OH! How I wish I could sing the beautiful music there!  If you're not familiar, it's basically a narration and musical walk-through of the women in the scriptures that had personal experiences with the Savior, both from the New Testament and the Book of Mormon, as well as a nice song for us women today at the end.  When I first listened to the CD, I kinda thought, "Huh, that's nice," but didn't really appreciate it much.  Then I saw it come together in person and each song took on a whole new meaning for me.  (Especially the ones that my roommates sang--each song still to this day reminds me of them.  :)  I realized just how loved and important women were to the Savior and how they were in on all the most sacred moments of His life, death, and resurrection--and how quickly they shared their testimonies with others.  And He was just as intimately involved in their lives, healing them physically and spiritually, acutely aware of each of their needs.

My favorite song of them all, though, is probably the song sung by "Mary and Martha" about Lazarus being raised from the dead--called "If Thou Had Been Here."  On Sunday, as I taught our primary kiddos this same story, I ended by simply saying the words from this song, and while the whole lesson was fun and spiritual, this really brought the Spirit into our class in a quiet, goosebump-causing, still kinda way.  I just knew that the words were true--that sometimes it feels as though Christ has forgotten about us, that even though He loves us He isn't aware of what we really want or need...but He's got a plan and everything happens for a reason.  Everything important, anyway.  And if it's important to you, it's important to Him.  I'm still working on believing that, but when I hear this song, I can remember it more easily, even if but for a moment.



And that is why I believe.

The rest of the songs are all amazing in their own way.  My other favorites are "Go in Peace," "Close Enough to Touch," and "He Came for Me."  Check it out, ESPECIALLY if you can see it in person.  You'll be happy that you did.  :)

Why I Believe Wednesday: Logic

I know that there are some spiritual truths that simply can't be learned by reason alone, but I have to admit that a big part of loving this gospel that Christ restored to the earth is knowing how much sense it makes.  Sometimes it is SO CLEAR to me.  I mean no disrespect to other faiths, or to those who don't believe in God, but sometimes when I learn what others believe I come away wondering how they could settle for not knowing so many things that seem critically important to how--and why--we live our lives as we do...here are some of the things that just make sense to me--truths I literally couldn't believe in God at all without knowing.

1. God didn't create something out of nothing; we existed before this life as sentient beings called spirits, and the world was organized for our needs.  While I DO believe the Lord has knowledge of scientific truths and laws we haven't discovered yet, this whole notion of a "magical" God who just created billions of people and a planet by just speaking the words into thin air is kinda hard for me to swallow.  Equally difficult is the idea that the Big Bang happened (with no clear catalyst) and somehow single-celled beings evolved--on a planet that was coincidentally the perfect distance from the sun to sustain life--over millions of years into human beings like us with complex chemical emotions and curiosity and sometimes inexplicable desires and reason...and our brains!  I'm sorry, but the odds of that happening are waaaaaay less than it simply being by design.

2. The purpose of mortality is to prepare all who will to become like Christ, not just because he's a god and therefore we have to obey, but because it's in the Plan of Salvation that we become joint-heirs with him, as gods ourselves.  I've been pondering a lot (mostly as I drive without any music on) about what the point of commandments would be if we weren't trying to develop godly attributes.  A God who demands such perfection simply because He is God and says so isn't really a God I'd want to follow.  But knowing that there are fundamental principles and laws that the whole universe is ruled by, including foundational spiritual truths, and knowing that the commandments are built upon eternal laws that enable us to grow and develop and reach our fullest potential?  That's a God I can understand and have loyalty for.  Even if you believe God loves His children, without the understanding of what happens after mortality, it all seems more like someone who's on a power trip and wants a billion people to love Him so He feels good about Himself and isn't lonely up in His clouds in heaven forever.  I love knowing that there is SO MUCH MORE going on there, and that our purpose is to become even as He is.  I think we all feel that tug of divinity inside of us, and that desire to always better ourselves.

3.  We have a right, and a responsibility, to question things and to seek personal revelation.  This is probably one of the most important truths of the gospel--the idea that we are each responsible for learning about it and for building a personal relationship with Christ, and that asking questions about things we don't understand isn't a sin.  No one else can keep the commandments for you, and the idea of just sitting in a pew and listening to someone tell you how to live your life without ever experimenting for yourself is kind of foreign to me.  I don't believe in blind obedience, nor do I think God asks it of us.  This is not to say that we always understand everything He asks of us, of course.  But "we are not obedient because we are blind; we are obedient because we can see."  (President Boyd K. Packer).  And we see by asking for ourselves, studying out the gospel in its fullness, and experimenting on the word of Christ.  To expect otherwise of us, again, would seem like someone upstairs is just on a power trip.  Thankfully, the gospel tells us we have the right to know, and the responsibility afterwards to obey, because it will help us become the best versions of ourselves.

I have more thoughts like these, but maybe I'll save them for another Wednesday.  The point is that I don't think I could live without faith of any kind...it would be too bleak, too difficult, too lonely, and, frankly, wouldn't really make sense...there are too many holes and things left to be explained.  And I don't think I could belong to any other faith, either, because their ideas about the nature of God and the nature of man are sometimes too contradictory or just don't quite make sense if you're trying to understand the BIG PICTURE. I am grateful to be LDS, a Mormon, and to know that the gospel of Christ, in its fullness, explains everything and gives a purpose to my life.  And in those moments where maybe I can't see that, I have a thousand other moments where I *did* see, so I can comfortably exercise my faith-obedience, knowing the God in whom I have trusted--and that whatever He requires is right, for a reason.  That is why I believe.

Why I Believe Wednesday: "But If Not"

The phrase and the talk "but if not" have been particularly on my mind in these last two weeks.  I've been having a rough time, and really WRESTLING with a lot of feelings of disappointment and loneliness, especially in my relationship with God.  I know He loves us and is aware of our feelings and (eventually) grants us our deepest desires, but I sure haven't felt that way lately.  There's a disconnect between what I know and how I feel, especially since some of these disappointments have come to crush me all at once in the most tender places of my heart.  It's just been a struggle, even just *being,* and I'm exhausted.

I'm sure anyone who's LDS remembers the wonderful Conference talk "But if Not" by Elder Dennis E. Simmons.  We all have our trials and our ups and downs, no matter how righteous we are or no matter how much faith we have.  In the moment, that can seem very cruel, and very lonely, and you wonder what you've done wrong or why everyone else (it seems) is getting what they want and you've just been completely neglected and forgotten.  And sometimes you HAVE done something wrong and need to repent...but sometimes it's just the way life is, and we have to have faith--REAL faith--that it will be all right in the end.  That somehow, in some way, if we remain faithful, the Lord will make it up to us with all that He has--and you quite literally cannot ask for more.  So, instead of just posting a bunch of feelings and experiences I'm going through, I'm going to challenge you to go back and read the two talks I've linked up to, and maybe if you're also going through a difficult time WAITING for those blessings to come, you'll have a little more hope, too.  'Cause all good things happen eventually.  :)

Why I Believe Wednesday: The Comforter

I've been kind of an emotional wreck all week.  I seriously have been crying several times a day and I just feel really, really confused and disappointed and frustrated and regretful and angry all at once about my life.  Paul and I have been in the process of planning to move to Chicago at the end of next month.  It was going to be glorious--getting OUT of this place and ON with our lives, all that jazz.  Long story short, some things have transpired (and some things HAVEN'T transpired) that have caused us to rethink our life plan for the next year, and it looks like we may be staying here, after all.  Of course, with less than a month's notice, finding a place is difficult, anyway, and especially so with our over-25-pound dog (seriously? What does it matter if they're a larger dog or smaller one?  What REALLY matters is if they're chewers or not, if they're a "dangerous breed," and if they're housetrained...our 55-pound puppy is waaaaay less destructive and mean than many 15-pound dogs.  But that's a debate for another day.)

I really wanted to go to Chicago this summer.  I don't even like Chicago that much, but I just wanted a fresh start, like we all need once in a while, and doing it in a big city with the comfort of family close by just felt kinda great.  I have been feeling trapped, invisible, and all around unhappy living in my hometown, and I thought that moving meant moving on.  And I still do think that.  And even though we'll only be staying here one more year and THEN going to Chicago (we haven't lost the dream, just changed the timeline of it), when I think about how LONG and HARD this last year was for me, I pretty much break down at thinking about having to go through it all again.  I love our ward, but it's SO HARD to find real friends when you don't have kids or a husband who's in grad school.  And not working hasn't helped my self-esteem or my sanity or our money problems at all.  Now, I'm sure I'll find a substitute teaching job or something for next year, but it's not quite the vision of me teaching and Paul working full-time so we can be saving money for Paul's return to schooling that we had hoped.  And this morning, we realized that in all the hustle and bustle of trying to scrounge up an apartment in a month (which I'd have to pack up, sign a lease to it, and move on my own because of Paul's upcoming business trip so he can get the promotion that has us in such a whirl), it really just made economic sense to stay in this very apartment--the apartment I loathe, not because of space but because of the management and maintenance people--which just made me bawl all over again.

This comes a day after hard fasting for both of us.

The strange thing, and the really great thing, is that even in the midst of my utter despair and confusion and worry and heartbreak and frustration, I also feel this really out-of-place sense of peace.  I know that no matter what we decide, and no matter what roadblocks are in our way, and no matter what we or other people think or say or feel about it, we will be okay.  Maybe it's not what I want, but since when is that new?  And, whatever happens, we will just have to face it, together, and make the best out of it.  As long as we're honestly trying our best to do the right thing, and to be wise stewards over what we have, the Lord won't let us fail.  We WILL go to Chicago next summer.  And we've figured a few things out this time around--mostly through our own mistakes, and also just because--that will make moving in a year that much easier for us, so I can just chalk this all up to a learning experience and move on. 

Maybe it won't be what I wanted.  But maybe it'll be even better.  Or maybe it won't, but it'll still be okay.  You never know.  As long as there is life, there is hope.  That is very comforting, and comforting is just ONE of the many roles of the Spirit.  I know I'm only keeping it together because of that Spirit.  And that is why I believe.