A year ago today, I thought I'd never be happy again. When all the condolences started rolling in, I felt as though I knew survival would be my endgame and there was nothing more for me than to "wait it out," this thing called pain, and that to "endure to the end" of my burden of days with some dignity was as much as I could hope for.
FALSE.
There is so much more to this life, to my being, than just my grief, and there is so much more to you than yours. Don't let it define you! I am, surprisingly, a creature of joy! And I have found tremendous joy even as I have felt tremendous pain. It has been the most pleasant surprise of the year, that my happiness is not contingent on circumstance, but a conscious choice every day to see the good in my life. That we can be so full of contradictions is what makes us interesting, right? Paul exuded happiness every day of his own short 28 3/4 years in this planet, and the 6 years we were together taught me so much about being happy, come what may. It is possible to not just survive widowhood, but to rejoice through it! It doesn't mean you loved him any less. As one who has struggled with serious depression several times in my life, this has been life-changing to discover and incredible to live.
***
A year ago today, I thought that grief would ebb and flow away slowly as time went by, that holidays and anniversaries would be impossibly hard but that every other day things would get a little bit easier.
FALSE.
Grief is not a decrescendo. Yes, I was weepier those first few months as I adjusted to this new life, but it's not exactly ebbed and flowed like I had pictured it. The first Christmas without him was hard, but New Year's was very peaceful. I cried a whole random week in April, but our anniversary (which I had taken off from work) turned out to be just fine, me all bored and sitting at home and wishing I hadn't wasted a day off. The truth about grief is that it hits you at random, a drive-by shooting of tears or giggles at sometimes incredibly inconvenient and surprising times, and you just have to roll with it and enjoy your very valid excuse to be a little crazy. Let yourself be sad on the days you're sad, but also let yourself be happy on the days you're happy. He would expect no less!
***
A year ago today, I thought that, because I had lost the love of my life, I had no one left to love me...or, more accurately, that all the "lesser" love wouldn't be enough to make up for my loss.
FALSE.
I have had love pouring in from the most unexpected places and at the most unexpected times, and it has not only been "enough" but I truly feel "my cup runneth over," in the best way possible. People surprise me every day with their thoughtfulness. I have a huge family nearby that I get to spend a lot of time with, and a handful of close friends who love me no matter what kind of day I'm having, and that has helped me remember that love comes in many forms but it is never "lesser." It's just different. I'm blessed to work with children at school and in my church calling who give me so many reasons to smile and even cry happy tears, whose hugs and high fives fill a void I don't always pay attention to. Coworkers who never even knew him and really didn't even know me at the time have been a tremendous support, and countless others have just changed me for the better in small, unacknowledged ways. I have also felt God's love for me very truly and deeply, and that has been a transformative experience all on its own. Yes, it is a loss, and it is sad and hard and different. But! Love is everywhere, you just have to accept it into your life from the many, many people aching to give it.
***
A year ago today, I thought I knew what it meant to be gracious.
FALSE.
People sometimes say the worst and very "wrongest" things, but with good intentions.
Love them anyway.
People who never spoke to you before will suddenly try, inexplicably, to "cash in" on your friendship. You'll get invited to a "sympathy" dinner once, and then will be forgotten.
Love them anyway.
People who used to be your friends will suddenly no longer have anything to say to you, and you will not be invited to get-togethers and birthday parties.
Love them anyway.
Life will go on for everyone else, while a part of you will always be stuck in a very tragic moment in time. There will be weddings, babies, new jobs and homes and joys for others, and you will feel robbed of those things (and more) on some days.
Love them anyway.
Being gracious is a lifelong process of becoming, and I am still learning a lot about it myself, but compared to a year ago, I have definitely improved in my ability to be gracious to others who mean well, and I know that it is a HUGE part of finding that peace and happiness and healing that anyone with a loss searches so desperately for.
***
A year ago today, I thought I knew God.
FALSE.
But God knows me. And that has become enough. Coming to know God is a lifelong process, too, but it's worth it on the days when I can catch even the slightest glimpse of how He sees me, and how I should see those around me. It's worth it on the days when I can see God in the faces of my friends, family, and even strangers I happen across on the street. I have learned more this year about the love of God, of His patience, of His compassion, of His mercy, and of His plans for each one of us, than I ever could have anticipated. I am humbled to think of the one short shot we get at this life, and what I believe He intends for us to do with it.
Leave the world better than you found it, and enjoy the journey!
***
A year ago today, I thought I knew what it meant to be gracious.
FALSE.
People sometimes say the worst and very "wrongest" things, but with good intentions.
Love them anyway.
People who never spoke to you before will suddenly try, inexplicably, to "cash in" on your friendship. You'll get invited to a "sympathy" dinner once, and then will be forgotten.
Love them anyway.
People who used to be your friends will suddenly no longer have anything to say to you, and you will not be invited to get-togethers and birthday parties.
Love them anyway.
Life will go on for everyone else, while a part of you will always be stuck in a very tragic moment in time. There will be weddings, babies, new jobs and homes and joys for others, and you will feel robbed of those things (and more) on some days.
Love them anyway.
Being gracious is a lifelong process of becoming, and I am still learning a lot about it myself, but compared to a year ago, I have definitely improved in my ability to be gracious to others who mean well, and I know that it is a HUGE part of finding that peace and happiness and healing that anyone with a loss searches so desperately for.
***
A year ago today, I thought I knew God.
FALSE.
But God knows me. And that has become enough. Coming to know God is a lifelong process, too, but it's worth it on the days when I can catch even the slightest glimpse of how He sees me, and how I should see those around me. It's worth it on the days when I can see God in the faces of my friends, family, and even strangers I happen across on the street. I have learned more this year about the love of God, of His patience, of His compassion, of His mercy, and of His plans for each one of us, than I ever could have anticipated. I am humbled to think of the one short shot we get at this life, and what I believe He intends for us to do with it.
Leave the world better than you found it, and enjoy the journey!
