2018 Theme..."Let in the Light"

I began thinking about my 2018 theme sometime last August. The start of school is a lot like the New Year for me, in that I start having visions and goals of what the future should hold, and impressions about how I want to improve. I felt very strongly that I should have my theme be the same as what will go on our headstone once I can actually afford it--simply, "Called to Serve." I've spent the last 4 1/2 years since my husband's death thinking and feeling very selfishly, mostly out of necessity...but I want to do more for others and to focus on helping relieve their needs instead of my own. Last year's theme was "Go and do," which became something of a battle cry for those moments when I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything, especially that the Lord asked. It helped me stay motivated to chase after my goals, spiritual and temporal, and to focus on obedience a little more.

It worked. Mostly. For a while.

The problem with this and other themes for me is that I have this faith and goodness thing all backwards. I feel like I have to run around "going and doing" and eventually I will find/earn/create this goodness, this Light that I so desperately crave in my life.

But that Light is already there, independent of myself, whether I "go and do" or "stay and sleep." I can't change it, but I CAN let it change me. I realized that, much like the people building the Tower of Babel, I was trying to "earn" my way into heaven (or, heck, even into peace here and now) through good works. While I DEFINITELY believe in the importance of works, and could cite several scriptures and prophets that verify that our actions DO matter, I realized that my intense focus on this had the opposite effect I so desperately desired. It just left me tired--no, exhausted--and feeling inadequate, like if I didn't feel that peace or see the blessings then I just wasn't working hard enough at it. (And sometimes, that is true! Take promptings about self-correction seriously. But it's also a dangerous and proud way to think sometimes...) OR, even worse, that the Lord just didn't love me like He loves so-and-so so I'll never have what they have so WHY EVEN BOTHER spinning my wheels because I'll NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH to get that goodness in me.

General Conference changed everything for me. In two separate addresses, one to the women of the Church and one to the men, speakers spoke of Light. Light is a powerful word. The brightness that chases away the darkness and confusion, that shows the way; the strength that helps us bear heavy burdens...after listening to/reading these talks, I just had this image of the OPPOSITE of everything I had been doing. Of a moment at a beach, or along a trail, or in a garden, where I am STILL and QUIET and my eyes are closed, my face turned toward the sun and I'm just there, letting it warm me, doing nothing but turning to the sunshine and letting it in. I realized that THAT was what I wanted and needed in my life right now. I didn't want to chase after it like a prize to be won, I just wanted to access what was already there waiting for me. Peaceful and still, and then let it warm up the coldness and light up the darkness that I have seen inside of myself so acutely lately until it fills me up and spills over into everything else I do and everyone else I encounter.

There is still a lot to DO to let in this heavenly Light, I realize this. But the focus is different, and the realization that in doing I just have to turn to it, let it in, and then get out of my own way has made a huge difference in how I go about the doing. 

I'm excited to see where this year takes me. And I'm excited to be blogging and journaling again so that you can be a witness along the way. :)