To the mothers, meaning those of you who have born or adopted children that you are legally and morally responsible for: This weekend, you will be smothered with hugs and kisses by tiny bodies, or get a breakfast in bed that you can barely stomach down (but by golly, you with your mother heart, you will!), or phone calls from older children far away, or receive cards and hand print-covered aprons from grandchildren. Some of you will mourn the wayward child or grieve a child who left this earth before you. Some of you will be so caught up in remembering your own mothers (for better or for worse) that, once again, you will fail to take time to celebrate and pamper yourself. Many of you will feel internally censured rather than celebrated, because Mother's Day focuses on the ideal mother and you feel anything but. There are a thousand ways to be happy and a thousand ways to be sad when you're a mother, and I know Mother's Day only amplifies all those feelings at once. I am aware of you, of the dailiness of every gross, sticky little thing you do to further the human race and to do it well. I hope you take the day, or even the afternoon, or an hour, or a moment, to honor yourselves and all you do so selflessly to keep the world going. It is no small thing!
However, as a non-mother, I do have a few requests. There are few days as difficult for me as Mother's Day...this was always the case, but especially once Paul and I tried to have children of our own and couldn't. I have since had some of the most intimate conversations with women from every walk and station of life, and while everyone has different "triggers," there are a few that seem to be universal. I'm not saying this to be defensive, merely to help you be more aware of what your well-meaning words sound like to those of us on the other side. What I'm writing is especially for you LDS women out there, who know just how very ETERNAL and all-encompassing the doctrine of motherhood is for EVERY woman, regardless of marital status or how many children we raise.
(1) Avoid saying--ESPECIALLY FROM THE PULPIT--"I'm so glad Heavenly Father trusts me to have and raise this child." Not only is it doctrinally false, but it is incredibly hurtful to the faithful woman who wants to raise a child and can't. Yes, Heavenly Father entrusts His precious little ones to your care, but that's not saying every child only comes to those He trusts. (So, what, the 16-year-old drug addict down the street pregnant with her second child is more trustworthy than a stable, loving married couple who have been patiently waiting for 12 years?) If the world were perfectly fair, then those who "deserve" to be parents would be, and those who do not deserve to be parents wouldn't. But life isn't fair. You didn't EARN your children. God gave them as a gift to you, not only for your joy but also for your eternal education. He has entrusted them to your care, and will hold you accountable for what you do with your time and energy where children and family are concerned. When I think about some of my closest friends that have struggled with infertility, and I imagine it would be the same for you, I know they are some of the MOST worthy and willing people in the world. Maybe there is something to that. Elder Paul V. Johnson taught, "At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses. And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right." Perhaps, then, some women and couples who already possess many of the divine attributes of loving parents don't need to learn those same lessons in the same way, so they are given other challenges and experiences instead. The Lord loves us all equally, and He doesn't withhold anything from us that we need to achieve the full measure of our creation. Not only will those who are worthy and willing have children in the hereafter ("better late than never? Not really what the Lord is going for there...), but He will perform many mighty works through those who have only Him to lean upon.
(2) Along those lines, please know that, while it is true that there are some things you can only learn from raising children of your own, there are other, equally valuable and important things you can only learn through struggling with the loneliness of singlehood for a decade (or two, or three), or through widowhood, or through infertility. Every experience we have is unique, and all truth is of value. When we earnestly seek to learn and grow from whatever blessing or trial we are handed in this life, we learn and become perfected in that one thing. But there are other things. It's one of the reasons God wants us all to work together, to have our hearts knit together in unity and love, to do our visiting teaching, to get involved in our community...we each have something to give, and we each have something to learn. Motherhood is one incredibly important way to grow into our divine nature, and something we should strive for if possible. But it is not salvation (that comes through Christ, not through motherhood on earth), and it is not a status symbol to hold over those who are not mothers. Yes, you probably know some things now that you couldn't even imagine knowing before you were a mom. But that's true of me now, too, with widowhood and infertility. Hopefully we are ALL learning and growing because of our gifts and our trials...that's kind of the point. Please don't assume that your knowledge now is better or more important than what I have to offer.
(3) Avoid saying--ESPECIALLY FROM THE PULPIT--anything along the lines of the quote from Elder Neil L. Anderson's talk (you know the one, quoted from a Christian mommy blogger--"Motherhood is not a hobby, it's a calling...It is not something you do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for"). Okay, it's a fantastic quote that makes you feel (rightfully) the awesomeness of what you do every day, I get it. But you have to consider the audience of both the blog and the conference in which it was stated. It wasn't used to shame those who, whether by virtue of personal revelation or by having a body that doesn't work right, don't have children. It was a reminder to MOTHERS of where your priorities ought to be. It was encouraging those who were struggling down the path of acceptance that their lives would forever be changed in the best of ways, and warning those who put off having children for selfish reasons that there are more important things than money, travel, etc. When you're a mother, this quote resonates for you, affirming the very honorable choice you have made. HOWEVER. When you say this quote from the pulpit or in a relief society lesson--especially on Mother's Day--then those who want to be mothers only feel an ever-deepening ache, and wonder what on earth we are doing here, then? The truth is, mothers, that mothering is what God gave YOU time for. But those for whom motherhood is not in the cards? Maybe God gave them time for something else. Because otherwise, my very existence makes no sense, and I am a waste of space and time. While I don't think you should have to walk on eggshells around the over-insensitive infertile or single women, this quote is probably one of the LEAST favorite quotes of every righteous woman who would love to have her time taken up by little ones.
(4) Avoid trying to comfort the unattached or the infertile with Sheri Dew talks (we've read them all, and also she was a single, childless member, so she is "one of us" and gets to say things to us that you, frankly, can't), lists of the many ways we can still serve children (we are aware and for the most part we are trying, but sometimes it does hurt too much and we need to take care of ourselves), or "at leasts"/"aren't you glad?"s. One of the most hurtful things you can say to someone who wants a child is "aren't you glad you don't have to deal with (insert random painful, gross, or silly aspect of pregnancy, birth, or childrearing)? Because, the truth is, most of us would cut off our right leg if it meant we got to experience those things firsthand. I am a school teacher, and I have been in primary for 6 years, and I'm a killer aunt and babysitter, and I happen to find a lot of joy and fill a lot of voids that way. But (a) that's just my personality, not everyone finds peace and comfort in surrounding themselves with children, and (b) I know it's not the same as having a little one cry out only for you, as hearing them call you "mommy" and running up for one-of-a-kind hugs.
What else CAN you say, then, you may be asking? Well, how about, "I love you. I'm thinking of you. You are an awesome woman of great faith and strength. Let's go out to lunch, or even better dessert (and then you have to actually go and talk about something other than your children!)." Those genuinely-stated sentiments are pretty much always a guarantee to making someone's day, mother or not, am I right?
What you do, mothers, is nothing short of miraculous. I'm not belittling any of the marvelous, selfless, difficult, timeless things you do. I hope you enjoy your special day on Sunday and that the people in your life treat you with all the LOVE that you deserve (and all the LOVE you don't!). But I would love it even more if ALL women could avoid the tears and heartache that this day brings and instead feel honored and valued for what they as strong women of faith contribute to their families, communities, and congregations, and if you can do something to lighten the load of another sister--even if it's just holding some of your thoughts in for a day--then why not?
Now, to all the NON-mothers out there, meaning you who want a child but, for any number of reasons, cannot currently hold little ones of your own in your arms: PLEASE KNOW THAT YOUR LIFE IS NOT A CONSOLATION PRIZE. You came to this planet with seeds of deity within you and a very specific mission to fulfill, and you are NOT a waste of time or space to He who created you! You are so incredible to me, and not because you're "surviving" a difficult thing but because you are radiating positivity and goodness and community right smack in the middle of it. I have been so honored to listen to your stories, so touched by your faithfulness, so saddened by your losses and shattered dreams. I have no idea why some bodies work right to reproduce and some do not or why some people find their soulmate at age 19 and others search the world their whole lives and come up short, nor do I know why you, of all amazing people in the world, must personally endure this trial. But there is One who does know. And I want to tell you that the Lord, God, creator of all, knows your name. He not only weeps with you in the bitterness of your grief, but He wants to rejoice in the goodness He has to offer you. He is not merely withholding some blessings until the next life by chance or vengeance. As I stated above, He has things He wants to give you and teach you here and now, and sometimes that means having children, and sometimes it doesn't. But that doesn't mean you are in ANY WAY less worthy of every good thing He has in store for you, and not just in eternity. HERE AND NOW. Maybe you just have other things to learn and do in this life. Certainly you have a work that ONLY YOU can do, and perhaps that mission could not be accomplished if you had a child. SOMEONE needs to be the teachers, the nurses, the engineers, the artists, the architects, and for now, that someone is YOU. I know it's not enough. But please know *YOU* ARE ENOUGH.
Please don't let your heartache over the things you DON'T have overshadow the many gifts that you DO have. Reflect on your blessings, and improve on your strengths. We need you!
Please don't take offense, even when mothers say the wrongest things. Be gracious. They mean well. Let them mother you a little in the ways they know how.
Please take time to celebrate and pamper yourself a little this weekend, whether anyone else will or not. You may not be as sleep-deprived but I know you are still a different kind of exhausted. Life is hard and it is tiring for everyone. So enjoy a day to celebrate YOU and the contribution you are already making to the world.
What you do, mothers, is nothing short of miraculous. I'm not belittling any of the marvelous, selfless, difficult, timeless things you do. I hope you enjoy your special day on Sunday and that the people in your life treat you with all the LOVE that you deserve (and all the LOVE you don't!). But I would love it even more if ALL women could avoid the tears and heartache that this day brings and instead feel honored and valued for what they as strong women of faith contribute to their families, communities, and congregations, and if you can do something to lighten the load of another sister--even if it's just holding some of your thoughts in for a day--then why not?
Now, to all the NON-mothers out there, meaning you who want a child but, for any number of reasons, cannot currently hold little ones of your own in your arms: PLEASE KNOW THAT YOUR LIFE IS NOT A CONSOLATION PRIZE. You came to this planet with seeds of deity within you and a very specific mission to fulfill, and you are NOT a waste of time or space to He who created you! You are so incredible to me, and not because you're "surviving" a difficult thing but because you are radiating positivity and goodness and community right smack in the middle of it. I have been so honored to listen to your stories, so touched by your faithfulness, so saddened by your losses and shattered dreams. I have no idea why some bodies work right to reproduce and some do not or why some people find their soulmate at age 19 and others search the world their whole lives and come up short, nor do I know why you, of all amazing people in the world, must personally endure this trial. But there is One who does know. And I want to tell you that the Lord, God, creator of all, knows your name. He not only weeps with you in the bitterness of your grief, but He wants to rejoice in the goodness He has to offer you. He is not merely withholding some blessings until the next life by chance or vengeance. As I stated above, He has things He wants to give you and teach you here and now, and sometimes that means having children, and sometimes it doesn't. But that doesn't mean you are in ANY WAY less worthy of every good thing He has in store for you, and not just in eternity. HERE AND NOW. Maybe you just have other things to learn and do in this life. Certainly you have a work that ONLY YOU can do, and perhaps that mission could not be accomplished if you had a child. SOMEONE needs to be the teachers, the nurses, the engineers, the artists, the architects, and for now, that someone is YOU. I know it's not enough. But please know *YOU* ARE ENOUGH.
Please don't let your heartache over the things you DON'T have overshadow the many gifts that you DO have. Reflect on your blessings, and improve on your strengths. We need you!
Please don't take offense, even when mothers say the wrongest things. Be gracious. They mean well. Let them mother you a little in the ways they know how.
Please take time to celebrate and pamper yourself a little this weekend, whether anyone else will or not. You may not be as sleep-deprived but I know you are still a different kind of exhausted. Life is hard and it is tiring for everyone. So enjoy a day to celebrate YOU and the contribution you are already making to the world.
