Today is the Day It Has Been One Year

I feel like I should share some of my thoughts on my first year of widowhood. They might surprise you. :) The last year has been quite the journey, and if my thoughts can help anyone else who is struggling with a loss, then maybe my good intentions can be found through the sometimes-confusing words.

A year ago today, I thought I'd never be happy again. When all the condolences started rolling in, I felt as though I knew survival would be my endgame and there was nothing more for me than to "wait it out," this thing called pain, and that to "endure to the end" of my burden of days with some dignity was as much as I could hope for. 

FALSE. 

There is so much more to this life, to my being, than just my grief, and there is so much more to you than yours. Don't let it define you! I am, surprisingly, a creature of joy! And I have found tremendous joy even as I have felt tremendous pain. It has been the most pleasant surprise of the year, that my happiness is not contingent on circumstance, but a conscious choice every day to see the good in my life. That we can be so full of contradictions is what makes us interesting, right? Paul exuded happiness every day of his own short 28 3/4 years in this planet, and the 6 years we were together taught me so much about being happy, come what may. It is possible to not just survive widowhood, but to rejoice through it! It doesn't mean you loved him any less. As one who has struggled with serious depression several times in my life, this has been life-changing to discover and incredible to live.

***

A year ago today, I thought that grief would ebb and flow away slowly as time went by, that holidays and anniversaries would be impossibly hard but that every other day things would get a little bit easier. 

FALSE. 

Grief is not a decrescendo. Yes, I was weepier those first few months as I adjusted to this new life, but it's not exactly ebbed and flowed like I had pictured it. The first Christmas without him was hard, but New Year's was very peaceful. I cried a whole random week in April, but our anniversary (which I had taken off from work) turned out to be just fine, me all bored and sitting at home and wishing I hadn't wasted a day off. The truth about grief is that it hits you at random, a drive-by shooting of tears or giggles at sometimes incredibly inconvenient and surprising times, and you just have to roll with it and enjoy your very valid excuse to be a little crazy. Let yourself be sad on the days you're sad, but also let yourself be happy on the days you're happy.  He would expect no less!

***

A year ago today, I thought that, because I had lost the love of my life, I had no one left to love me...or, more accurately, that all the "lesser" love wouldn't be enough to make up for my loss.

FALSE.

I have had love pouring in from the most unexpected places and at the most unexpected times, and it has not only been "enough" but I truly feel "my cup runneth over," in the best way possible. People surprise me every day with their thoughtfulness. I have a huge family nearby that I get to spend a lot of time with, and a handful of close friends who love me no matter what kind of day I'm having, and that has helped me remember that love comes in many forms but it is never "lesser." It's just different. I'm blessed to work with children at school and in my church calling who give me so many reasons to smile and even cry happy tears, whose hugs and high fives fill a void I don't always pay attention to. Coworkers who never even knew him and really didn't even know me at the time have been a tremendous support, and countless others have just changed me for the better in small, unacknowledged ways. I have also felt God's love for me very truly and deeply, and that has been a transformative experience all on its own. Yes, it is a loss, and it is sad and hard and different. But! Love is everywhere, you just have to accept it into your life from the many, many people aching to give it.

***

A year ago today, I thought I knew what it meant to be gracious.

FALSE.

People sometimes say the worst and very "wrongest" things, but with good intentions.
Love them anyway.
People who never spoke to you before will suddenly try, inexplicably, to "cash in" on your friendship. You'll get invited to a "sympathy" dinner once, and then will be forgotten.
Love them anyway.
People who used to be your friends will suddenly no longer have anything to say to you, and you will not be invited to get-togethers and birthday parties.
Love them anyway.
Life will go on for everyone else, while a part of you will always be stuck in a very tragic moment in time. There will be weddings, babies, new jobs and homes and joys for others, and you will feel robbed of those things (and more) on some days.
Love them anyway.
Being gracious is a lifelong process of becoming, and I am still learning a lot about it myself, but compared to a year ago, I have definitely improved in my ability to be gracious to others who mean well, and I know that it is a HUGE part of finding that peace and happiness and healing that anyone with a loss searches so desperately for.

***

A year ago today, I thought I knew God.

FALSE.

But God knows me. And that has become enough. Coming to know God is a lifelong process, too, but it's worth it on the days when I can catch even the slightest glimpse of how He sees me, and how I should see those around me.  It's worth it on the days when I can see God in the faces of my friends, family, and even strangers I happen across on the street. I have learned more this year about the love of God, of His patience, of His compassion, of His mercy, and of His plans for each one of us, than I ever could have anticipated. I am humbled to think of the one short shot we get at this life, and what I believe He intends for us to do with it.

Leave the world better than you found it, and enjoy the journey!

Salvation Through Suffering

A couple of weeks ago, I gave a talk in sacrament meeting entitled "Salvation Through Suffering."  I'm finally getting around to posting. Thanks for reading. :)

Celeste’s Talk January 26, 2014

Salvation Through Suffering

The Plan of Salvation is often known by several other names.  The Plan of Happiness.  The Plan of Righteousness. The Plan of Mercy.  Those words I understand, but there is one title that has always mystified me a little, and that is the Plan of Redemption. I knew that you could redeem a coupon for free ice cream at Cold Stone.  I knew that a bad argument could be redeemed by one really great point.  I’d heard of people redeeming mortgages or the government redeeming bonds.  I knew most importantly, and this is of course the real focus of my talk today, that the scriptures are replete with testimony that the Savior of mankind came to redeem His people.  So with all these many, very different usages, what does this word really mean? 

I learned these past few weeks that the word redeem has its roots in Latin and means to “buy back.”  If the Savior redeemed us, He must have bought us back from something, and back to something.  What is it?  And he bought us with a price.  What price?  Elder Holland once taught (and I’m paraphrasing a little for context), “I am convinced that (gospel living) is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy.  We are The Church of Jesus Christ…how could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for him? It seems to me that (members) have to spend at least a few moments in Gethsemane…Now, please don’t misunderstand.  I’m not talking about anything anywhere near what Christ experienced…but I believe that…to come to the truth, to come to salvation, to know something of this price that has been paid, we will have to pay a token of that same price…If (the Savior) could come forward in the night…and cry, ‘Abba, Father (Papa), if this cup can pass, let it pass,’ then little wonder that salvation is not a whimsical or easy thing for us.  If you wonder if there isn’t an easier way, you should remember you are not the first one to ask that.  Someone a lot greater and a lot grander than you asked a long time ago if there wasn’t an easier way…the only way to eternity is through Him—the Way, the Truth, and the Life.”[i]

Today, I’ve been asked to focus on a different but similar quote from Elder Holland, given in the most recent General Conference.  He taught of the struggles and trials that come to all of us, “in striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters, it is crucial to remember that we are living—and chose to live—in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again.  Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came.  It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive.”[ii]

I think most of us understand that when we actively apply the Atonement, the Savior is there to help us bear our burdens.  We think of the Comforter or of the promised blessings that await us, and we know that, first, these things are bearable.  And then, I think we mostly know, and can all testify, that our trials do become understandable, even if only in hindsight.  We learn valuable lessons and skills, we grow into our Divine Nature, we see how the Savior helps us and our testimony of Him is strengthened.  I’m not going to talk about that either.  J  I’d like to focus on the last part of Elder Holland’s quote, where our trials can be “finally redemptive,” or how we can be saved from our sins through them. 

Even more specifically, we basically have two kinds of trials—those that are consequences of our choices, and those over which we have no control.  I think we understand that, as we sin and consequently suffer, we are drawn into the repentance process and can be forgiven of sins.  So I’m not even going to cover that today.  But can we be saved from our sins even through suffering that occurs through no fault of our own?  The answer? Absolutely! 

As I’ve pondered the variety of trials I have endured in my own life, I can testify on a very personal level that there is truly salvation in suffering.  Why?  How is it done?  I’m honestly not totally sure.  But the scriptures testify of it again and again.  And I have felt it.  I noticed in studying this topic that it is particularly mentioned by the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi, the New Testament Apostle Paul, and to the early Saints in the Doctrine and Covenants.  This comes as no surprise if you consider the task that lay in front of each of them, establishing new branches of the Kingdom of God, which of necessity requires a cleansing, purifying power to make it His, make it work, and make it last. 

Nephi and his brothers endured suffering and temptations of nearly every kind, and severe chastening by the Lord.  Of course we know that Laman and Lemuel brought a lot of the chastening on themselves through wickedness, but even Nephi exclaimed in the throes of grief after his father (the prophet Lehi) passed away, “O wretched man that I am!  Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins.”[iii]  This is NEPHI.  He has come to be known to millions as the quintessential prophet of righteousness and obedience!  He had visions and blessings abound, but he was not exempt from suffering, usually at the hands of his brothers but sometimes just because that is life.  Yet even in this moment of his most profound sadness, he declared, “Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.  My God hath been my support (there’s the bearable)…He hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time (there’s the understandable)…He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh” (and THERE is the redemption).  

It is this humility, this ultimate leaning on the Lord and submissiveness to His will, patiently bearing all things, that enabled Nephi to be “bought back” from his sins and weaknesses and be made whole enough in spite of them to lead a family, and soon a whole people, into a promised land.  Nephi, a righteous prophet of God, was sanctified through his suffering.

The writings of the Apostle Paul abound with encouragement to the early Christians to not only bear their sufferings patiently but to rejoice in them.  “Rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings…if ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you.” [iv] (Bearable.) We are divine children of God with knowledge and power, “but we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.” [v] (Understandable.) “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”[vi] (There’s salvation in there.)  He taught that even Christ Himself not only earned our salvation through His suffering, but His own: “Though He were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered; And being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him.”[vii]

The early Saints in this dispensation have a similar story.  They were trying to do a massively great thing—establish the Lord’s church and kingdom again on the earth, with Jesus Christ at its head.  Sometimes mistakes were made, and sometimes they just needed refining.  “Zion cannot be built up unless it is by the principles of the law of the celestial kingdom,” the Lord taught, “and my people must needs be chastened until they learn obedience, if it must needs be, by the things which they suffer.” [viii] “Behold, this is the blessing which I have promised after your tribulations…your redemption, and the redemption of your brethren.” [ix] “Yet I will own them, and they shall be mine (for He truly bought them with a heavy price)…therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried…for those who will not endure chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified.”[x]  We know our history; we know how the Saints humbled themselves and grew through their sufferings into this divine vision.  Zion was indeed established in the Latter Days.

So it appears that much of our suffering is intended to humble us enough to come to the Lord again and again.  It is possible to come unto Christ without immense suffering, but most of us need a little hardship now and again as a reminder.  President Harold B. Lee taught of this suffering, “Some of us have been tried and have been tested until our very heart strings would seem to break…Sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea, for like the experience of the Master himself in the temptation on the mount, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and on the cross at Calvary, the scriptures record, ‘And behold, angels came and ministered unto him.’ Sometimes that may happen to you in the midst of your trials.”[xi]

“We don’t seek out tests, trials, and tribulations.  Our personal journey through life will provide just the right amount for our needs…At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope…it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses.  And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right.”[xii]

I know I have experienced this again and again, most recently when I lost Paul. There are no words to describe the pain that has come with this separation; it has been my greatest trial, facing day after day without him, knowing that it will be so for the rest of my time in mortality.  But there is also a very sacred sweetness that has come into my life as I have had to make the Savior my constant companion, one which I don’t have adequate words for but that doesn’t make it any less real or true. In the midst of my grief and in wrestling with the Spirit, on my knees I have come to know my Savior in a new light.  I felt this especially in the first weeks after his passing, largely, I know, because of the prayers and fasting of many of you on my behalf.  I was compelled to rely on others, and I felt the Spirit pouring down from heaven profoundly.  (It was bearable.) As I pondered this Plan of Redemption that I always believed, a more sure knowledge settled in my soul “as the dews from heaven,” and there are things of the Spirit I now know. Additionally, I was blessed to understand how the Lord had prepared me through other trials in my life to meet this challenge, and know that He would take care of me.  (It was understandable.)  I especially felt the love of our Savior when I needed it most, assuring me that I was forgiven and being purified, and that I was capable of loving and forgiving others.  (I knew I had been redeemed, and would be again and again as often as I came unto Him.) I don’t always feel this way now—life has a way of distracting us from these revelations—but I feel this especially when I sit at Paul’s graveside.  I’m human, of course--I worry and doubt and sin—but a calm assurance always comes that lets me know I am known and loved of the Lord.  I feel, again and again, saved.  Redeemed.  Bought back.  Back from my own sinfulness, back to that God that gave me life.  I have come to know that we must endure suffering to be reminded of our vulnerability, of our ultimate powerlessness and reliance on the Lord, to seek that constant connection that saves us.  I think no matter how righteous we are, we will spend our whole lives learning over and over again to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in Him, and deny (ourselves) of all ungodliness…then are (we) sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ.”[xiii]

I add my witness to that of the prophets of His redeeming power, and of the redemptive power of our trials.  We are saved through suffering—our own, and that of the Savior.  It is why we are here, and it is why He came.  I so testify in the name of our beloved Redeemer, even Jesus Christ, amen.

---

[i] “Missionary Work and the Atonement,” Jeffrey R. Holland, Mar. 2001 Ensign

[ii] “Like a Broken Vessel,” Jeffrey R. Holland, October 2013 General Conference

[iii] 2 Nephi 4: 17-21, 23

[iv] 1 Peter 4: 13-14

[v] 2 Corinthians 4: 7

[vi] 2 Corinthians 12:10

[vii] Hebrews 5: 8-9

[viii] D&C 105: 5-6

[ix] D&C 103: 13

[x] D&C 101:3-5

[xi] In Conference Report, Munich Germany Area Conference, 1973, pg. 114

[xii] “More than Conquerors Through Him that Loved Us,” Paul V. Johnson, April 2011 General Conference

[xiii] Moroni 10: 32-33

See also Romans 8: 37-39; Alma 5:26; Isaiah 43: 1-2; 2 Corinthians 1: 5-6; 1 Peter 1: 3-9; Hebrews 12: 6-14; Isaiah 53: 5; Galatians 3:24; James 1: 2-6; D&C 90: 36; Luke 21:28; Psalms 49:8; 3 Nephi 9: 13-14, 17, 21-22; Ephesians 1: 6-7; Mormon 9: 12-13; Alma 34:16; Alma 12: 33-34; “The Purifying Power of Gethsemane” by Bruce R. McConkie (April 1985 General Conference); “An High Priest of Good Things to Come” by Jeffrey R. Holland (October 1999 General Conference); “None Were With Him” by Jeffrey R. Holland (April 2009 General Conference); “Broken Things to Mend” by Jeffrey R. Holland (April 2006 General Conference)

This is the day I made something awesome...and then screwed it up. :/

4th grade is our state history year, and my friend suggested I make a big Indiana rug to use with geography in my classroom. Definitely a winner idea, unlabeled of course so I can use it to quiz them! :) So I started by getting a cheap rug from Walmart and some chalk, carefully outlining my state borders, rivers, and cities.

Anytime I messed up, I just smudged the chalk away with my fingers and started fresh. :)

Then I took bright glow-in-the-dark fabric puff paint and outlined my state. Used Walmart paints for that, and Dollar Tree colors for the rest. That was my first mistake. Anyway, blue for the waterways, red for state borders and compass rose, and yellow for major cities.

I ran out of blue really fast...

Then I let it dry for a bit. The dollar tree paints bunched up in droplets so I kept having to add more...

Then I had to move it...because if you have dogs or children, you can't just leave it in the middle of your floor!

Major drippage--all from the Dollar Tree paints. My Tulip puff paint held up well.

The yellow is sinking in and the red is dripping and I just want to cry. But I won't. I'll bike to WallyWorld tomorrow and pick up new paint and try to salvage it somehow.

At least the kids won't care. Just me. :/

Update: I think I've fixed it well enough no one will notice or care!

P.S. That is on our queen sized bed, to give you some scale of how big it is!

Today is the day I wasn't as out of shape as I thought I was. :)

I tutor a girl who lives a mile away. I say "tutor," but it's kinda a mix between tutoring and homeschooling, with a sprinkle of para work (I was her para last year in school). We hang out for two hours a day and I LOVE it. She's the coolest.

And a mile isn't that far.

But I still drive half the time anyway.

I bike the other half.

Since Paul is in Chi-town (none of the natives call it that but I still like to) this week, it's a biking week. I get on the bike and I push off.

I push and push and push.

I struggle!

I *sweat.* 

It's hot out, and uphill most of the way which is hard in my cruiser, but still...

I made it to her house in only a minute longer than usual, and I'm thinking I'm pretty awesome and also a little out of shape at this point.

We head down into the basement, and I can feel my legs just wanting to collapse.

IT'S ONLY A MILE!!! :(

This doesn't go away.

I think about going to Steak N Shake last Friday and wonder if the effects are long-lasting. :)

When all is said and done, I head back home.

I make it halfway before I literally can't bike one more foot. I decide to walk it to the gas station (a mile out of my way) and check the tires.

Now, normally I fill it up to 55 PSI, which is in the acceptable 40-65 PSI range for my tires.

My front one was at 29.

My back one was at 10.

I felt SOOOOOOO much better about myself! :)

And the ride home was cake.

(Ish. That two miles from earlier did me in for the night!)

The nice thing about where I live is that there are neighborhoods close by, and a biking trail through meadows and by ponds, and I'm almost exactly a mile from tutoring, from the gas station, from my bank, from Walmart, from the school I used to work at, and from the local snow cone place.

Guess what I will be doing tomorrow when I recover? :)

I'll take pictures.

Missing her already...

I'm going to be a 4th grade teacher next year!  I'm so very stoked about it.  I will have a post all about it later.  But even in the gratitude, excitement, and eagerness this summer will inevitably bring, right now I'm just kinda sad.  Because for the last 9 months, I've been hanging out with the coolest 8-year-old ever, and now I won't...even though I still see her at church, it's just not the same. I miss her already, and it's only been 4 days!

Sitting with friends at recess.

This is how I will ALWAYS remember her!

Last day of school--joy!  :)

This year with Katherine has changed me in so many incredible, indescribable ways.  Maybe someday I will find the words and put them down on paper or screen, but for now...while teaching a classroom of my own is a dream come true and will bring its own special stories and changes into my life, there is a big part of me that wishes I could freeze time and just cuddle and learn with this inspiring, loving little girl forever...or even just one more day!

Blessed

It is a good time.  :)

Between finding a teaching job for next year (4th grade!), getting a fun new calling (Primary Chorister!), celebrating Mother's Day AND an anniversary (with an IPAD, Paul spoils me...AND a trip to Sybaris this weekend!)...I think last week and this pretty much ROCK.  And the cherry on top, the icing on the cake?  My little sister got engaged yesterday!  WOOHOO!

I love these moments, and have to remember that they *happen.*  Sometimes life is just really good.  Even when our heart is still aching for righteous desires--the waiting doesn't have to be long and solemn.  There are things to celebrate and several "highs" interspersed between all the "lows." 

I'm grateful for that!

Emotions

This week has been so full of emotion.

I had TWO second interviews this week, at both elementary schools in the district I currently work in.  So there was a lot of anxiety, excitement, regret, and feeling an incredible amount of support from coworkers, friends, family, and especially the Lord.

Katherine has had a few major breakthroughs in her ability to communicate.  So add in some breathless gratitude, awe, joy, humility, and empowerment.  In big ways!

I have been SO sleep deprived!  So there has been some exhaustion and weepiness for no good reason, and the overwhelming desire to just be LAZY!

And I'm always either *really* hungry or REALLY NOT. 

But in less than a week I'll know about my future with WLCSC and be able to move on from there.  Which gives me plenty of time to worry about whatever the next steps are.  So today, I rest.  :)

National Infertility Awareness Week

Someday I will be a great warrior for the things I feel passionate about.  This week especially has been more about keeping my head above water and avoiding things that bring me down--like Facebook.  But while that has had its advantages, it's also meant missing out on occasionally cool things, like National Infertility Awareness Week.  It ends today, so I guess I haven't missed the boat COMPLETELY, but I would have loved to have been sharing all week long my thoughts and links that buoy me as a quiet crusador for greater understanding and compassion in this little corner of the world.

Infertility is still a personal daily struggle, and that's a fact I deny--even to myself many days.  I try to focus on all the things I *can* do right now, unencumbered by small children.  But, inevitably, there are "those moments" that bring it all back in a quick slap to the face and remind me of the *reality* we face daily.

Like earlier this week.  Baby talk is frequent in the teacher's lounge, and as long as I have something else to do while I listen I can handle it.  I'm more an observer by nature than anything, so I often just enjoy the conversations of others without having to get dragged into them. While it doesn't make me the most exciting person to talk to, my sincerity when I *do* speak and my listening ears are some of my strengths, so I'm okay with that.  But what do you do--what do you say--when a coworker turns the tables of conversation to you, and asks the DREADED question--"So, when are YOU going to start having babies?" and it's all you can do not to cry and make things even MORE awkward in that breathless beat of a moment?

Here's what I usually do.

(1) Avoid the question entirely.  Smile, shrug, and then change the subject.
(2) Reply with, "Whenever we can," or "Whenever the Lord lets me," then look down because of the shame of it--not even knowing really WHY it feels shameful.
(3) Pretend that my inability to bear children is NOT at the forefront of my mind day and night, laugh the question off as absurd and make a comment suggesting it's "not the right time financially" or something silly and outright UNTRUE to my feelings.

Then there is this week, where I paused awkwardly and then did all three.  *Facepalm.*

The truth is, people, INFERTILITY SUCKS.  It just sucks. 

The truth is, we've just finished year 3 of helplessness and despair in our unfulfilled desires (which is MINISCULE compared to some of my friends, I know, but my 3 years are not any less painful than their 7 or 12), and there are days I can barely breathe from the weight of the loneliness, disappointment, guilt, self-loathing, worry, more guilt, loss of faith, struggles with marital intimacy, struggles with others, etc.  We have sort of stopped trying for the time being, because the emotional toll is SO TERRIBLY GREAT and unless you've been there you really can't understand or judge.  Truthfully, while I am incredibly excited about some of the other avenues my life is taking in the near future, the sting of infertility never really leaves.  And, according to most people I know, it never really will, regardless of what my miracle turns out to be.

For those who really want to know, I am not financially ready to adopt.  I am not emotionally ready to turn to the invasive options of drugs, surgeries, etc.  While I am taking the small steps to BE ready for these things--including getting healthier in every sense of the word--right now I am just trying to focus on all that is GOOD in my life--because there is SO MUCH GOOD and

I AM NOT MY INFERTILITY.

Like every struggle in life, it is part of what defines me but it is NOT ME. 

I am quiet.
I am pensive.
I am passionate.
I am a reader, a writer, an artist, a musician.
I am a friend, a sister, a wife, a daughter, an aunt.
I am a student, a teacher, a secretary, a nurse to sick puppies.
I am an emotional being, however deeply those emotions may be hidden at times from the rest of the world.
I am craving good, clean humor and fun.
And chocolate.  All the time, chocolate.
I am world-weary.
I am a dreamer.
I am a firm believer in second chances, in compassion, in succoring the ONE, and the power of people to do good things.
I am going on to do great things.

I am also, coincidentally, infertile.
I am heartbroken.
I am left out--especially in a church that has so much focus on family and parenting.
I am harder on myself than ever.  And that's saying something.
I am lonely.  It's a hard battle always, but it's extra hard for the soft-hearted and soft-spoken.
I am tired.
I am jealous.
I am bitter (but hopefully not TOO much so).

I am more compassionate and less judgmental because of my infertility.
I am more able to focus on others every day.
I am more able to appreciate especially the nature, potential, and incredible value of each child I work with.
I am able to see greater potential in the future, because there are still SO many options and so many good things to do while we are waiting.
I am more patient in suffering.
I am closer to my husband, he having quietly suffered right along with me all these years.
I am in good company, with several scriptural women as well as part of a community of couples--a "club" almost--that inspires, supports, and strengthens me.
I am not alone.

And I am grateful.

Weight Watchers...Weeks...um...a lot of them up until now. :)

I've been slacking in my posting, sorry.  Things really are VERY busy and when I DO have the time to blog I'm just not in the mood at all.  Mostly I'm in the mood to curl into a ball, watch a movie, and fall asleep, pretending the rest of the world doesn't exist.  But we just finished a day of delicious thunderstorms and that always has me in the mood to write.  And since I'm probably not going to get to housework much this week (it's been a stressful, eventful 3 days as it is), and I have no motivation to go write a novel at the moment, blogging is happening.

Get excited. 

:)

Anywho, I was bad for much of March, and I've been revisiting recipes or eating more basic, non-recipe type foods lately, so I don't have many recipes to share.  But I'll share a few that I DO have and hope you enjoy them.  I AM still losing weight--as of Friday I have lost 17 pounds!--but I still have very far to go until I reach my goals, no REAL motivation to stop eating any chocolate I can get my hands on, and until the weather cooperates I am not moving as much as I really ought to.  So hopefully this summer will be even better!  But let's focus on the positive.  GOOD FOOD!

Mango Chicken Spinach Salad--with homemade Mango-Curry Vinaigrette!

My own chicken noodle soup--nothing fancy but soups seem to fill me up for less points with all that water and veggies!

Ham and Beans (GREAT with cornbread!)

Amazing grilled salmon with avocado-lime dressing and fried plantains!

I mostly have perfected the method of broiling fish to the right consistency...

 

...and boiling/dying eggs...

 

...and smothering grilled meats with chimichurri sauce!

Recipes and other tips to come!

I laughed at myself today a little.  It was the first day I actually could tell I'd lost any weight at all.  I haven't gone down a pants or bra size and really I felt the same as always (just hungrier a little sometimes, especially when I'm stressed), so even though I know my scale isn't lying to spare my feelings it's been a little confusing and frustrating sometimes feeling like things aren't REALLY changing.  Well, today I wore my "fat pants," the ones I bought just a *little* too big already because there are days when bloating or self-image issues take over and I need a pair of professional pants that fit loosely and still look good.  And they were sliding down all over the place!  So funny and rewarding to have to keep hiking them up all day long.  Guess I'll either have to go to GoodWill again soon or invest in some tailoring!

Also, I have discovered another unexpected tidbit about myself through this Weight Watchers experience: I am a SHOE PERSON!  I had no idea.  I have always had about four pairs of shoes--one tennis shoe, one slightly more professional but still comfy shoe, one dressy shoe, and a pair of flip flops.   I don't accessorize and I don't invest in anything beyond the cheapest, blandest pair ('cause it has to go with EVERYTHING).  Well, ALL my shoes wound up getting holes or broken soles within two weeks of each other (darn you, WalMart!) and I decided to go to a real store and buy real, grown-up, not-on-a-$15-budget shoes.  And it has been magical.  I had no idea that a pair of red flats, a golden buckle, or a light pink studded wonder could make me feel so different.  I like it.  A lot. So now it's a motivator for me.  I get a new pair of shoes ($50 or less) for every 10 pounds I lose.  Which means I have three more pounds to go 'til I get to go shopping again!  And I still will have 50 more pounds to lose before I reach my goal so that's 5 more fancy pairs of shoes comin' my way in the next year or so (I hope!).

Do whatever it takes, right?  :)

Who's ready for a Friday? THIS GIRL!

Quick lil' blog post:

I feel like this week has lasted about a thousand years.  I feel like I could slip into silent slumber for about a thousand more.  It has been a trying week, emotionally and physically, at the school in which I work, and I think everyone around me feels just about the same way.  :) 

• The flu is going around--and kids are germy enough on their own, but when you add special needs into the mix, germs spread like wildfire! 
• I've been fighting off germs of my OWN.  Especially a little dizziness, which makes reading and crafting and watching TV (my usual passtimes) especially unappealing.
• Several teachers have had life-altering crises this week, including the teacher in whose classroom I spend my mornings. We are a tight community and it has been a wonderfully exhausting week of many prayers and miracles, but also of much worrying in between.  And worrying really does wear you out.
• I've been dropping little "surprises" in my birthday buddy's mailbox every day.  This may not seem like a big deal to some but when it's out of your comfort zone and you don't really know the person, it can be exhausting to find things to give each day!
• I've been battling dozens of children who are tired of sitting inside all day (has this winter been EXTRA COLD or is it just me?), sick as a dog (but not a fever or throwing up so they can still come to school), and just incredibly unmotivated to listen to a word any of us "know-nothing grown-ups" say.  I can handle sadness, cluelessness, etc., but flat-out defiance?  Not my favorite thing.  I may have snapped at more than one child this week.
• The teacher I work with in the afternoons had her official observation this week--but I felt like it was a third my own!  The principal came in for about an hour and just went back and forth between watching her and watching me (which could be a good thing since I'm hoping to score a teaching job next year?).  "The Beach" is a fun but stressful place to work at all the time anyway, but this week with evaluations and ISTEP+ and sickness and starting to think about NEXT year in serious terms it has just been a little extra rough.
• My own to-do list has grown EXPONENTIALLY this week, and my motivation these days is inversely proportionate to the length of my to-do list. 

I've even been eating relatively decently, taking my vitamins, drinking plenty of water, and trying to get 8+ hours of sleep at night, but I am still SO TIRED.

The truth is, I am weary.  Which is worse than tired.

I am weary of contention, in all its forms.  I am weary of worrying about what other people think, and just as weary of my own regrets and the consequences when I swing the pendulum to the other side and stop caring altogether about what other people think!  I am weary of routine, as much as I need it.  I am weary of anything that breaks me out of that routine.  I am weary of negativity and sadness and overthinking everything to the point of exhaustion.  I'm weary of pregnancy (not my own, just everyone around me--I'm weary of baby talk!!!).  I'm just incredibly weary of the world right now, and don't really feel like I've found my place in it--and I feel like I SHOULD have by now, as I am almost 30 and still feel like my "real life" hasn't even begun.  I am especially weary of hearing myself say that over and over these last few years--like a broken record that I don't even like but I don't know how to just STOP LISTENING.

I wonder when you feel like a grown-up?  I was told once (half-jokingly) that you had to be 28 before anyone took you seriously as an adult, but I'm past that and still don't even take MYSELF seriously.  Or maybe I take myself TOO seriously.  I don't know.  This is not the life I had envisioned for myself, AT ALL, but it has been absolutely marvelous and a total adventure nonetheless and I don't have a right to complain even for a second. 

Miracles happen, they really do.  I feel incredibly blessed lately to have witnessed several of them, this week and last alone.  I LOVE my job, even if it is trying.  I can't imagine doing anything else right now.  I LOVE my ward.  I might not have a LOT of friends, but the ones I have are REAL and we have lots to celebrate.  I have a great calling in which I get to work with sweet children every week and incredible, devoted women who buoy me up with their friendship and love and validation.  We had a charity auction at our relief society meeting last night and it was SO FUN--they even brought in a professional auctioneer for the event!  I'm learning to be more grateful for the little things, and it helps.  I have seen more BIG miracles this month than the last year combined, which helps a lot, too.  And I have the most FABULOUS, relaxed husband to distract me from myself, which helps most of all. 

But if I happen to sleep in almost all weekend, or start a countdown to spring break even though I have no travel plans, or if I get a little grouchy or a little less done than usual, now you know why, and I hope the people around me will be patient.  This, too, shall pass. 

One of *those* days!

So, to be short and sweet, I'm grumpy and exhausted today.  It was a CRAZY day.  I was taking Paul to the bus stop before work this morning, and as I turned left we heard a really weird sound.  We thought maybe it was our CDs falling over in our under-the-seat compartment...loudly...but then as I continued my turn I realized we no longer had power steering.  At all.  Freaking out and focusing hard, I made my way the .5 miles back home (I didn't want to risk a 180 turn near the school when I could barely make a 90 degree one).

So I call the school and let them know that I will probably be 10-15 minutes late, because I'm going to BIKE to school.  There is some pause as they see if anyone can pick me up, but really it's such an imposition and everyone there really has to be there (that's why they're, y'know...there) so I know I really just need to bike.  Backstory: I haven't ridden a bike, really, since I was like 11 years old.  I just bought this bike FRIDAY so I would have a secondary means of transportation, and we had filled up the tires earlier this week so I really haven't had a chance to ride it at all.  Also important to this story is that even though I only live 1.3 miles from the school, I live in the middle of THREE CONSTRUCTION ZONES.  Sidewalks randomly end and roads disappear into I don't even know what and you think driving a mile out of your way is difficult?  Try walking or biking!  So the route of least resistance is about 2.2 miles...IF you know where you're going.  Which I didn't this morning.

Well, I made it to school in 15 minutes, and for a 2.5 mile ride that was my first in 18 years I'm feeling pretty good about myself.  Not even too sore or too out of breath.  I'm thinking to myself, Even if we get this car fixed, I should bike when the weather is agreeable because it's great exercise and I *can* do it!  I was even almost EXCITED about riding home and seeing if I could find an easier way home or seeing if I could beat my time. 

So I come out to find my bike exactly where I locked it up in the school's bike rack.  Except that the rest of my bike that wasn't locked to the rack was knocked over (I'm thinking, Rude! but that's about it).  I unlock my bike, get my helmet on, and only THEN do I see this:

Yeah.  I don't know how, but somehow in the 6 hours I was at the school my front tire went COMPLETELY FLAT and was falling off the rim of the wheel. 

So I had to walk the bike AND myself home.  With several detours as I explored a little more in the 80-something-degree heat.  50 minutes later, I finally get home.

But I have no car to drive and no bike to ride and no water in the fridge waiting for me and a third of a pan of brownies sitting on my stove. 

Can you guess what happened next?  :)

Overall, it was kinda a crappy day.  Certainly not even SORT OF the worst day ever, but I've definitely had better days.  I sure hope our car can be fixed soon and without too much money!  Or my bike at least.  On the plus side, I don't have to worry about working out today!  And now I've got another funny story to tell my future grandkids.  :)

Mom's Bday and other catch-up. :)

Birthdays tend to happen in groups in our family.  Charissa (my sister) and Mom celebrate 8 days apart, and my step-mom is the week after that, so I always get REALLY caked out around this time of year.  (And in January, where my dad and little brother are 3 days apart...and again in March, with three sisters and I all having our birthdays a week apart from each other...)

ANYWHO.  I've also lost the passion for cute cake making.  I'm going for delicious these days, maybe because I don't eat sweets as much so I really want it to be worth it!  I'm sure someday I'll get back into fun cakes again, but...times and seasons, friends.  :)  So here's the German chocolate cake (my mom's favorite) I made:

And here is the festivities: balloon throwing in Mom's and Charissa's new living room.  It was a low-key birthday, with pizza and cake and balloons and tired people.  :)  But it was still nice.  Happy birthday, Mom!

I haven't been in the mood to blog.  I've been a little down about the job thing (yup, no teaching job for me right now), and it has brought up a lot of hard feelings and kept me from feeling much motivation at ALL this week.  Other than dishes, I've done NO CLEANING all week!  I got a little more LEGO crafting done for my someday classroom on Monday, but between needing more money to finish them and the sad truth that they won't be put to good use anytime soon, well...lost my mojo.  I've caught up on some TV shows I hadn't been watching all summer, taken the dogs on some longer walks than usual, and just generally been a bummer to be around.  Pity party, complete with violins.  Not pretty. 

NO MORE!  I have struggled harder than usual even to find peace with this and so many other things in my life I don't like and feel powerless to change, but the last few days have been very odd and I've found the beginnings of a tranquility I can't totally explain.  I'm not completely there yet, but it's taking root more and more each day, and the thought keeps coming to mind that it's going to be okay, this is just a MOMENT and the Lord's plan for me is so much more than this moment.  Maybe I'm just meant to do something else right now (even though I prayed and thought long and hard about it and felt led in this direction...but that's the way it is sometimes).  Part of me is almost excited to figure out what that something else is with the Lord.  And I keep thinking back to other major life disappointments and remembering the things I learned from those moments, the strength and perspective I gained, and that most of them DID END WELL.  I'm grateful to have those solid, happy moments to dwell on, and to know that life is a roller coaster--the downs are always followed by big UPs, and sometimes even the falling can be a thrill.  (Not for me, though...I actually hate roller coasters...but still. :)

So...maybe tomorrow is the day I will feel the cleaning and the crafting and the photo-taking bug again.  Or maybe not.  But I will get there.  I'll try not to keep you waiting too long.  ;)

A few other pictures of my life right now:

I've had banana ice cream or banana/peanut butter milk shakes like every day.  YUM.

Stinkin' cute puppies.  I love that Voodoo still follows Obi around everywhere and copies even her body language.  :)

Found the most amazing ever FREE font to use in my someday-classroom: LEGOTHICK!  Outlined in yellow and put on a red background, it looks SO GOOD, don't you think?  :)  I'll have to post the final products of these two signs soon.  :)

Filled in for activity days last week.  The cute girls learned some babysitting-appropriate games to play...here they are blowing a cotton ball from one side of the room to the other.  So fun!

The Ugly, the Bad, and the Good.

I'd say "the good, bad & ugly" but the truth is this post is probably going to go backwards.  I'll try to follow it up the negative with the good later, to leave you all on a happy note.  :)

THE UGLY

Coveting is my biggest sin these days, I think.  I try REALLY hard to count my own blessings and to be happy for others in their successes, but lately I have just had way more twinges of envy (and subsequent frustration, impatience, etc.) than I normally would. 

I realized in the car yesterday that trying to find a teaching job is a WHOLE LOT like trying to get pregnant.

At least for me.

1. Both feel completely elusive to me right now.  Which is frustrating because I have received, time and again, OVERWHELMING spiritual confirmation about both.  Waiting on the Lord's timing SUCKS SOMETIMES!  I'm so not good at it.
2. Both teaching and parenting are a LOT OF WORK.  And require a lot of preparation.  And prayers.  And, apparently, patience and timing.  And there is a lot of skill overlap.  Frankly, I doubt I'd be any less stressed even if I finally got what I wanted, because I'm me and I suck sometimes and we can ALWAYS find something to complain about.
3. There are substitutes in the waiting place--like subbing/babysitting/serving in the community/church that help alleviate some of the ache of waiting...but they are NOT THE SAME. THE CHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN.
4. On a good note, subbing/serving children is easier.  You get to play/have fun with LOTS of children in the good times for a short while and then give them back to the people they belong to at the end of the day, for someone else to deal with the long-term stuff. :)
5. Hearing of other people's successes in either field gives me the EXACT SAME TWINGES.  A WHOLE lotta happiness for the person sharing the good news, but also a whole lotta sadness for myself.  Pity party, as Clair would say, "TO THE MAX!"  This is ESPECIALLY true for newlyweds who get pregnant and for just-graduated friends who found a job right away.  And, interestingly, this is NOT TRUE AT ALL for my friends who have had to wait.  I'm SINCERELY, un-enviously happy for my friends who have had to STRUGGLE first before being blessed with children and jobs.  I know it's not fair of me, but there it is.  Why do I feel like some people deserve happiness and other's haven't worked hard enough for the blessings yet?  Like that's how the Lord works!

I'm struggling, people.

THE BAD

I've had a lot of conversations with some of my single friends lately who are as anxious about finding a soulmate as I am about all of my own problems.  And there was a lot of "you just don't remember what it was like" kind of talk, and it was REALLY frustrating, because I just wanted to shake them and tell them that being married doesn't fix everything, that you can still get lonely (even though I know it's not the same), and that we all have waiting periods, trials, and things that don't go your way or according to your plan/timetable regardless of whether you're single or married, a mom or just a mom-at-heart, rich or poor, healthy or not, and that the important thing is to count your blessings, do what you can with what you have, and lean on the Lord to get you where He wants you to go, because THAT is what will make you happy.  And then I got REALLY frustrated with myself, because I could feel the Lord saying all those exact same things to me, but I AM SO SICK OF HEARING IT!  I'm sick of even the best-intentioned people telling me that things will happen when the Lord wants it to and that there are all sorts of opportunities now.  I'M SICK OF WAITING!  And then I hated myself a little more, but at least I was more compassionate afterwards.

Man alive, am I struggling.
And there are so many things I want to do differently but don't even know how to get started.

And Caida's not doing well.
And money, and blah blah blah...once you get started on the bad, you can really go on for quite a while, huh?

THE GOOD

1. I am, relative to many people in the world, still quite healthy.  And I'm improving some bad habits to become even healthier.  Yay for progress, however slow and unquantifiable it may be!  :)
2. Talking with people and struggling with these and so many other things I haven't even gotten into has really helped me come to understand "the human condition" and be a WHOLE LOT LESS judgmental than before.  I've come to understand the universality of heartbreak of losing even the things you never found in the first place, of our own weaknesses, and of our incredible potential.  We really can make our lives what we want of it--not by the things we have or have happen to us or even what we can do ourselves, all the time, but by what we ARE and how we RELATE to others and WHO WE TURN TO in our waiting places.  I feel a kinship to humanity that makes a lot of other problems feel really insignificant by comparison.
3. I really did marry my best friend and, for all of our faults and shortcomings and human-ness, we are happy together and that is SUCH A BLESSING!  I love the days when I am particularly reminded of that.
4. I still haven't given up hope.  This is a strange thing to me.  Part of me wants to give up, because it's painful to hold onto a dream that you feel is just slipping away for so long.  Not to mention sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on other opportunities by holding on to what I want so badly.  But even with the pain I still believe in good things to come and something whispers in me, with every monthly "visit" or every email/phone call, "This could be it!"  And I like that about myself.  I never want to be the kind of person that stops hoping, especially when I've had the Lord confirm that I should do so.  Maybe not now, maybe not even in the next few years, but GOOD THINGS ARE TO COME.  And not just in an eternal scheme of things.  THIS LIFE is meant to be enjoyed and, by golly, there will be things to enjoy for me!  I can feel it in my bones.
5. Even my jealousy has taught me something of what I want out of my own life, love/marriage/relationships, career, and more.  The people I envy have given me something to aspire to.  And I'm getting better about it...slowly...
6. IT RAINED!  A few times, and yesterday it was even longer than a 10-minute downpour!!!  Prayers and fasting really do work!  Heavenly Father really does hear us!  Our stake, and then our entire state, each had a special fast last month for rain, and it is so FUN and REWARDING to see them come to fruition! 
7. MY GREAT GRANDMA'S 100th birthday celebration is this month!  WOOHOO!  If I make it to 100...whew.  Just think about it.  :)  Can't wait to see family and party it up in celebration of such a MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT!
8. I LOVE living in the information age.  I love having Google at my fingertips, and Pinterest for inspiration, and having innumerable books and social media and educational TV and SO MANY WAYS TO LEARN!  I love knowing things and learning new things.  I love the (maybe false) sense of security I feel when I need a good, healthy recipe with a limited number of ingredients, or an idea on how to teach sharing time some week or other, or when I'm wondering what friends/family are up to, and BAM!  There it is on some screen or another.  When we use these tools to better ourselves, they can be SO MUCH FUN!  (Unfortunately, I'm also easily distracted...so I'm still working on using these tools for good.  :)
9. The few friends I have are amazingly good to me.  They are so patient with me, so forgiving, so light-hearted where I am not, so encouraging and willing to help in any way.  I've been especially grateful for old and new friends lately as I struggle.  It's so wonderful to know I'm not alone in it all.  Friends rock!  So thanks, because if you've read this whole thing, you are definitely a friend to me!
10. WHERE THERE IS LIFE, THERE IS HOPE.  This is my mantra at the end of the day, when I don't know if I even want to wake up the next day and do it all over again.  We can always repent of our sins and weaknesses and become better each day.  Every day holds new chances for learning, growth, and blessings.  You really do never know what tomorrow will bring.  Isn't that amazing?  Isn't life an ADVENTURE?