The Ugly, the Bad, and the Good.

I'd say "the good, bad & ugly" but the truth is this post is probably going to go backwards.  I'll try to follow it up the negative with the good later, to leave you all on a happy note.  :)

THE UGLY

Coveting is my biggest sin these days, I think.  I try REALLY hard to count my own blessings and to be happy for others in their successes, but lately I have just had way more twinges of envy (and subsequent frustration, impatience, etc.) than I normally would. 

I realized in the car yesterday that trying to find a teaching job is a WHOLE LOT like trying to get pregnant.

At least for me.

1. Both feel completely elusive to me right now.  Which is frustrating because I have received, time and again, OVERWHELMING spiritual confirmation about both.  Waiting on the Lord's timing SUCKS SOMETIMES!  I'm so not good at it.
2. Both teaching and parenting are a LOT OF WORK.  And require a lot of preparation.  And prayers.  And, apparently, patience and timing.  And there is a lot of skill overlap.  Frankly, I doubt I'd be any less stressed even if I finally got what I wanted, because I'm me and I suck sometimes and we can ALWAYS find something to complain about.
3. There are substitutes in the waiting place--like subbing/babysitting/serving in the community/church that help alleviate some of the ache of waiting...but they are NOT THE SAME. THE CHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN.
4. On a good note, subbing/serving children is easier.  You get to play/have fun with LOTS of children in the good times for a short while and then give them back to the people they belong to at the end of the day, for someone else to deal with the long-term stuff. :)
5. Hearing of other people's successes in either field gives me the EXACT SAME TWINGES.  A WHOLE lotta happiness for the person sharing the good news, but also a whole lotta sadness for myself.  Pity party, as Clair would say, "TO THE MAX!"  This is ESPECIALLY true for newlyweds who get pregnant and for just-graduated friends who found a job right away.  And, interestingly, this is NOT TRUE AT ALL for my friends who have had to wait.  I'm SINCERELY, un-enviously happy for my friends who have had to STRUGGLE first before being blessed with children and jobs.  I know it's not fair of me, but there it is.  Why do I feel like some people deserve happiness and other's haven't worked hard enough for the blessings yet?  Like that's how the Lord works!

I'm struggling, people.

THE BAD

I've had a lot of conversations with some of my single friends lately who are as anxious about finding a soulmate as I am about all of my own problems.  And there was a lot of "you just don't remember what it was like" kind of talk, and it was REALLY frustrating, because I just wanted to shake them and tell them that being married doesn't fix everything, that you can still get lonely (even though I know it's not the same), and that we all have waiting periods, trials, and things that don't go your way or according to your plan/timetable regardless of whether you're single or married, a mom or just a mom-at-heart, rich or poor, healthy or not, and that the important thing is to count your blessings, do what you can with what you have, and lean on the Lord to get you where He wants you to go, because THAT is what will make you happy.  And then I got REALLY frustrated with myself, because I could feel the Lord saying all those exact same things to me, but I AM SO SICK OF HEARING IT!  I'm sick of even the best-intentioned people telling me that things will happen when the Lord wants it to and that there are all sorts of opportunities now.  I'M SICK OF WAITING!  And then I hated myself a little more, but at least I was more compassionate afterwards.

Man alive, am I struggling.
And there are so many things I want to do differently but don't even know how to get started.

And Caida's not doing well.
And money, and blah blah blah...once you get started on the bad, you can really go on for quite a while, huh?

THE GOOD

1. I am, relative to many people in the world, still quite healthy.  And I'm improving some bad habits to become even healthier.  Yay for progress, however slow and unquantifiable it may be!  :)
2. Talking with people and struggling with these and so many other things I haven't even gotten into has really helped me come to understand "the human condition" and be a WHOLE LOT LESS judgmental than before.  I've come to understand the universality of heartbreak of losing even the things you never found in the first place, of our own weaknesses, and of our incredible potential.  We really can make our lives what we want of it--not by the things we have or have happen to us or even what we can do ourselves, all the time, but by what we ARE and how we RELATE to others and WHO WE TURN TO in our waiting places.  I feel a kinship to humanity that makes a lot of other problems feel really insignificant by comparison.
3. I really did marry my best friend and, for all of our faults and shortcomings and human-ness, we are happy together and that is SUCH A BLESSING!  I love the days when I am particularly reminded of that.
4. I still haven't given up hope.  This is a strange thing to me.  Part of me wants to give up, because it's painful to hold onto a dream that you feel is just slipping away for so long.  Not to mention sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on other opportunities by holding on to what I want so badly.  But even with the pain I still believe in good things to come and something whispers in me, with every monthly "visit" or every email/phone call, "This could be it!"  And I like that about myself.  I never want to be the kind of person that stops hoping, especially when I've had the Lord confirm that I should do so.  Maybe not now, maybe not even in the next few years, but GOOD THINGS ARE TO COME.  And not just in an eternal scheme of things.  THIS LIFE is meant to be enjoyed and, by golly, there will be things to enjoy for me!  I can feel it in my bones.
5. Even my jealousy has taught me something of what I want out of my own life, love/marriage/relationships, career, and more.  The people I envy have given me something to aspire to.  And I'm getting better about it...slowly...
6. IT RAINED!  A few times, and yesterday it was even longer than a 10-minute downpour!!!  Prayers and fasting really do work!  Heavenly Father really does hear us!  Our stake, and then our entire state, each had a special fast last month for rain, and it is so FUN and REWARDING to see them come to fruition! 
7. MY GREAT GRANDMA'S 100th birthday celebration is this month!  WOOHOO!  If I make it to 100...whew.  Just think about it.  :)  Can't wait to see family and party it up in celebration of such a MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT!
8. I LOVE living in the information age.  I love having Google at my fingertips, and Pinterest for inspiration, and having innumerable books and social media and educational TV and SO MANY WAYS TO LEARN!  I love knowing things and learning new things.  I love the (maybe false) sense of security I feel when I need a good, healthy recipe with a limited number of ingredients, or an idea on how to teach sharing time some week or other, or when I'm wondering what friends/family are up to, and BAM!  There it is on some screen or another.  When we use these tools to better ourselves, they can be SO MUCH FUN!  (Unfortunately, I'm also easily distracted...so I'm still working on using these tools for good.  :)
9. The few friends I have are amazingly good to me.  They are so patient with me, so forgiving, so light-hearted where I am not, so encouraging and willing to help in any way.  I've been especially grateful for old and new friends lately as I struggle.  It's so wonderful to know I'm not alone in it all.  Friends rock!  So thanks, because if you've read this whole thing, you are definitely a friend to me!
10. WHERE THERE IS LIFE, THERE IS HOPE.  This is my mantra at the end of the day, when I don't know if I even want to wake up the next day and do it all over again.  We can always repent of our sins and weaknesses and become better each day.  Every day holds new chances for learning, growth, and blessings.  You really do never know what tomorrow will bring.  Isn't that amazing?  Isn't life an ADVENTURE?