This is the day I wore eyeshadow.

I had a roommate and friend in college, Clair, who came up with something called "red lipstick days." The philosophy was this: if you're having a terrible day, whether it's because you feel crummy inside or are just dealing with *life*, you should put on some bright red lipstick. It'll make you look (and feel) cheerier. I have come to adopt that philosophy in my life--I only try hard to look nice when I am having or anticipating a rough day, I guess to compensate. My good friends know that if I'm wearing makeup, for example, I'm either on my period and feel like I look terrible or I have some big professional thing I have to look presentable for. My colleagues are fast learning that I wear my best clothes when it is laundry day and I'm feeling frumpy and all my "normal" clothes need washed or I feel gross and need the grown-up world to be oblivious to the fact.

So today was a sort of a milestone. I wore eyeshadow just because. 

I also cooked for myself. I don't love cooking, and I haven't done much of it these past 5 months because it's just not fun to cook for one. (I buy frozen entrees and ready-made salads or eat out.) I have made a couple batches of various soups...but today I made herbed pork and a lettuce-free salad. Just because. 

Proof that I am growing...I even like mushrooms now!

I gave a talk today in church about the power of our trials to redeem us. I'd like to share it with you. When I get internet I will. :) I love going to church even on the hard days because (a) I really do believe in and love my Savior and relish the chance to worship him, and (b) I love the kids there. One came running up on stage after sacrament meeting to give me a giant hug. Another gave me lots of high fives in primary. And a third told me she loved me. I'm sad I won't get to have children of my own, but I'm grateful to the families in our ward that share their kids with me in some way. It is healing for my heart to be around little people that always have such incredible openness about their love. I learn and get so much from them.

It's been a good day. :)

This is my 2014 Theme!

I've had a few goals/things to do jumbling around in my mind as I pondered 2013 and looked forward to 2014. It's been hard to put into words all my feelings and hopes and sadnesses and I've just struggled to put it together into anything coherent.

I like the idea of a yearly theme instead of resolutions--something to remind me to keep focused on all these happenings all around me and to unite everything into one mantra. I have actual resolutions, too--gratitude 365, daily scripture study, listening to a ted talk every day, starting yoga, being a better teacher that isn't just going through the motions to survive (as I sort of had to last semester for personal reasons)...traveling, getting back in touch with the things I love to do, keeping my love for Paul alive...just being more INTENTIONAL in everything, really.

I love scripture study lately. I've really identified with the lessons Nephi's family learned while traveling through the wilderness. I was reading Nephi's "psalm" this morning (2 Nephi 4) and rediscovered that right in the middle of all his psalming, there's a lovely little verse that starts with the exclamation, "Awake, my soul!" That is exactly what I want to do. I feel like the last four months, while certainly filled with tender moments of learning and love and coming unto the Savior, have also been reactionary, like I've been asleep and dreaming and living somewhere between a nightmare and a peaceful dreamworld (it changes daily, if not hourly). I mentioned before that I am struggling with what my purpose here is, and how I can live a happier, fuller, more service-oriented life so that I WANT to be here. It's really hard when your sweetheart is waiting for you on the other side and you have no one here that *needs* you, but I have learned to be patient. :)

Anyway, rambling aside, this is my 2014 theme. "Awake, my soul!" This means to me that I will *intentionally* do things that help me draw closer to God, to other people, and to the beautiful things in this world that we only get one chance to enjoy. Whenever it IS my time to go, I want to leave peacefully, knowing that I exercised my agency instead of reacting to life as it happened to me, prioritized well, served others, learned lots, and focused on being happy and enjoying life no matter what, inside or outside of me, has challenged that happiness. I struggle to believe that "men are that they might have joy," but I want to believe it, and this year I'm going to try harder to create that joy around and within me, to awaken my soul to the hope, love, peace, and happiness that I know this life can offer.

This is the day I got my ears pierced again...

Caida and I got them pierced together yesterday, actually. :) She was very brave, and afterwards she felt so fancy she kept modeling for her mom all night. :) It was a fun, small, special moment for both of us.

It made me miss Paul, though. There are so many small moments that remind me of him, or of his absence. Caida and Paul had a very special bond--he was her "Monkey Paul" (she couldn't say uncle) since she was 4, and had been in her life for two years before that. He loved her before we ever even dated. :) He gave her a pink guitar the Christmas we started dating and she still has it--this from the child that loses or breaks EVERYTHING. :) He loved her, prayed for her, worried about her, gave her a handful of priesthood blessings, and enjoyed sharing in all the little moments with her. Especially when we realized we couldn't have kids, he really took our nieces and nephews (and his primary kiddos) under his wing all the more. It helped that he was such a child himself. ;) They played, snuggled, and joked around with each other all the time. I wish I'd taken more pictures of them together. It's really sad to think that Caida will grow up and probably not remember her Monkey Paul...but I will try to remind her how lucky we both are to be loved by such a great man. And to help her family as they prepare to get sealed in the temple this year! I know he has had a BIG role in all of it, and I know he will be there with us on that special day.