This is the day I address mothers and non-mothers

Mother's Day is coming up fast.  You all know I love any excuse to party, but this is a rough one for me. So much so that I am actually blogging my thoughts, because they won't leave me alone when I try to get any of the MANY other things done that I really ought to.

To the mothers, meaning those of you who have born or adopted children that you are legally and morally responsible for: This weekend, you will be smothered with hugs and kisses by tiny bodies, or get a breakfast in bed that you can barely stomach down (but by golly, you with your mother heart, you will!), or  phone calls from older children far away, or receive cards and hand print-covered aprons from grandchildren. Some of you will mourn the wayward child or grieve a child who left this earth before you. Some of you will be so caught up in remembering your own mothers (for better or for worse) that, once again, you will fail to take time to celebrate and pamper yourself. Many of you will feel internally censured rather than celebrated, because Mother's Day focuses on the ideal mother and you feel anything but. There are a thousand ways to be happy and a thousand ways to be sad when you're a mother, and I know Mother's Day only amplifies all those feelings at once. I am aware of you, of the dailiness of every gross, sticky little thing you do to further the human race and to do it well. I hope you take the day, or even the afternoon, or an hour, or a moment, to honor yourselves and all you do so selflessly to keep the world going. It is no small thing!

However, as a non-mother, I do have a few requests. There are few days as difficult for me as Mother's Day...this was always the case, but especially once Paul and I tried to have children of our own and couldn't. I have since had some of the most intimate conversations with women from every walk and station of life, and while everyone has different "triggers," there are a few that seem to be universal. I'm not saying this to be defensive, merely to help you be more aware of what your well-meaning words sound like to those of us on the other side. What I'm writing is especially for you LDS women out there, who know just how very ETERNAL and all-encompassing the doctrine of motherhood is for EVERY woman, regardless of marital status or how many children we raise.

(1) Avoid saying--ESPECIALLY FROM THE PULPIT--"I'm so glad Heavenly Father trusts me to have and raise this child." Not only is it doctrinally false, but it is incredibly hurtful to the faithful woman who wants to raise a child and can't. Yes, Heavenly Father entrusts His precious little ones to your care, but that's not saying every child only comes to those He trusts. (So, what, the 16-year-old drug addict down the street pregnant with her second child is more trustworthy than a stable, loving married couple who have been patiently waiting for 12 years?) If the world were perfectly fair, then those who "deserve" to be parents would be, and those who do not deserve to be parents wouldn't. But life isn't fair. You didn't EARN your children. God gave them as a gift to you, not only for your joy but also for your eternal education. He has entrusted them to your care, and will hold you accountable for what you do with your time and energy where children and family are concerned. When I think about some of my closest friends that have struggled with infertility, and I imagine it would be the same for you, I know they are some of the MOST worthy and willing people in the world. Maybe there is something to that. Elder Paul V. Johnson taught,  "At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses. And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right." Perhaps, then, some women and couples who already possess many of the divine attributes of loving parents don't need to learn those same lessons in the same way, so they are given other challenges and experiences instead. The Lord loves us all equally, and He doesn't withhold anything from us that we need to achieve the full measure of our creation. Not only will those who are worthy and willing have children in the hereafter ("better late than never? Not really what the Lord is going for there...), but He will perform many mighty works through those who have only Him to lean upon.
(2) Along those lines, please know that, while it is true that there are some things you can only learn from raising children of your own, there are other, equally valuable and important things you can only learn through struggling with the loneliness of singlehood for a decade (or two, or three), or through widowhood, or through infertility. Every experience we have is unique, and all truth is of value. When we earnestly seek to learn and grow from whatever blessing or trial we are handed in this life, we learn and become perfected in that one thing. But there are other things. It's one of the reasons God wants us all to work together, to have our hearts knit together in unity and love, to do our visiting teaching, to get involved in our community...we each have something to give, and we each have something to learn. Motherhood is one incredibly important way to grow into our divine nature, and something we should strive for if possible. But it is not salvation (that comes through Christ, not through motherhood on earth), and it is not a status symbol to hold over those who are not mothers. Yes, you probably know some things now that you couldn't even imagine knowing before you were a mom. But that's true of me now, too, with widowhood and infertility. Hopefully we are ALL learning and growing because of our gifts and our trials...that's kind of the point. Please don't assume that your knowledge now is better or more important than what I have to offer.

(3) Avoid saying--ESPECIALLY FROM THE PULPIT--anything along the lines of the quote from Elder Neil L. Anderson's talk (you know the one, quoted from a Christian mommy blogger--"Motherhood is not a hobby, it's a calling...It is not something you do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for"). Okay, it's a fantastic quote that makes you feel (rightfully) the awesomeness of what you do every day, I get it. But you have to consider the audience of both the blog and the conference in which it was stated. It wasn't used to shame those who, whether by virtue of personal revelation or by having a body that doesn't work right, don't have children. It was a reminder to MOTHERS of where your priorities ought to be. It was encouraging those who were struggling down the path of acceptance that their lives would forever be changed in the best of ways, and warning those who put off having children for selfish reasons that there are more important things than money, travel, etc. When you're a mother, this quote resonates for you, affirming the very honorable choice you have made. HOWEVER. When you say this quote from the pulpit or in a relief society lesson--especially on Mother's Day--then those who want to be mothers only feel an ever-deepening ache, and wonder what on earth we are doing here, then? The truth is, mothers, that mothering is what God gave YOU time for. But those for whom motherhood is not in the cards? Maybe God gave them time for something else. Because otherwise, my very existence makes no sense, and I am a waste of space and time. While I don't think you should have to walk on eggshells around the over-insensitive infertile or single women, this quote is probably one of the LEAST favorite quotes of every righteous woman who would love to have her time taken up by little ones.

(4) Avoid trying to comfort the unattached or the infertile with Sheri Dew talks (we've read them all, and also she was a single, childless member, so she is "one of us" and gets to say things to us that you, frankly, can't), lists of the many ways we can still serve children (we are aware and for the most part we are trying, but sometimes it does hurt too much and we need to take care of ourselves), or "at leasts"/"aren't you glad?"s.  One of the most hurtful things you can say to someone who wants a child is "aren't you glad you don't have to deal with (insert random painful, gross, or silly aspect of pregnancy, birth, or childrearing)? Because, the truth is, most of us would cut off our right leg if it meant we got to experience those things firsthand. I am a school teacher, and I have been in primary for 6 years, and I'm a killer aunt and babysitter, and I happen to find a lot of joy and fill a lot of voids that way. But (a) that's just my personality, not everyone finds peace and comfort in surrounding themselves with children, and (b) I know it's not the same as having a little one cry out only for you, as hearing them call you "mommy" and running up for one-of-a-kind hugs.  

What else CAN you say, then, you may be asking? Well, how about, "I love you. I'm thinking of you. You are an awesome woman of great faith and strength. Let's go out to lunch, or even better dessert (and then you have to actually go and talk about something other than your children!)." Those genuinely-stated sentiments are pretty much always a guarantee to making someone's day, mother or not, am I right?

What you do, mothers, is nothing short of miraculous. I'm not belittling any of the marvelous, selfless, difficult, timeless things you do. I hope you enjoy your special day on Sunday and that the people in your life treat you with all the LOVE that you deserve (and all the LOVE you don't!). But I would love it even more if ALL women could avoid the tears and heartache that this day brings and instead feel honored and valued for what they as strong women of faith contribute to their families, communities, and congregations, and if you can do something to lighten the load of another sister--even if it's just holding some of your thoughts in for a day--then why not?

Now, to all the NON-mothers out there, meaning you who want a child but, for any number of reasons, cannot currently hold little ones of your own in your arms: PLEASE KNOW THAT YOUR LIFE IS NOT A CONSOLATION PRIZE. You came to this planet with seeds of deity within you and a very specific mission to fulfill, and you are NOT a waste of time or space to He who created you! You are so incredible to me, and not because you're "surviving" a difficult thing but because you are radiating positivity and goodness and community right smack in the middle of it. I have been so honored to listen to your stories, so touched by your faithfulness, so saddened by your losses and shattered dreams. I have no idea why some bodies work right to reproduce and some do not or why some people find their soulmate at age 19 and others search the world their whole lives and come up short, nor do I know why you, of all amazing people in the world, must personally endure this trial. But there is One who does know. And I want to tell you that the Lord, God, creator of all, knows your name. He not only weeps with you in the bitterness of your grief, but He wants to rejoice in the goodness He has to offer you.  He is not merely withholding some blessings until the next life by chance or vengeance. As I stated above, He has things He wants to give you and teach you here and now, and sometimes that means having children, and sometimes it doesn't. But that doesn't mean you are in ANY WAY less worthy of every good thing He has in store for you, and not just in eternity.  HERE AND NOW.  Maybe you just have other things to learn and do in this life. Certainly you have a work that ONLY YOU can do, and perhaps that mission could not be accomplished if you had a child. SOMEONE needs to be the teachers, the nurses, the engineers, the artists, the architects, and for now, that someone is YOU. I know it's not enough. But please know *YOU* ARE ENOUGH.

Please don't let your heartache over the things you DON'T have overshadow the many gifts that you DO have. Reflect on your blessings, and improve on your strengths. We need you!

Please don't take offense, even when mothers say the wrongest things. Be gracious.  They mean well. Let them mother you a little in the ways they know how.

Please take time to celebrate and pamper yourself a little this weekend, whether anyone else will or not. You may not be as sleep-deprived but I know you are still a different kind of exhausted. Life is hard and it is tiring for everyone. So enjoy a day to celebrate YOU and the contribution you are already making to the world.

Happy Mother's Day!

I honestly thought today would be much harder than it was.

Confession: part of what made this week so rough was learning that we were NOT pregnant (we had thought I miraculously was, I mean, who is 3 weeks late for no good reason? And there were other reasons, too...but I digress, the point is, I'm not). It was a tough day on Monday and I was glad Paul was home sick so he could hold me all day. I was NOT looking forward to church today, or the day in general. But I'm so glad I moved on and put the focus on MY three AWESOME mothers and came to church anyway, sick but smiling. If I hadn't had such a cough, it would've been as good a Mothers Day as any of you have had, I bet! I even got presents. :)

I got woken up by my babies. These are them.

Happily chewing away at new bones.  After the blow of Monday, I went out and got $30 worth of new toys/treats to spoil my only babies with.  :)

They're not usually allowed in our bedroom, but there they were on the bed this morning, to lick my face and wake me up before my alarm went off--super early, I might add. :)

Voodoo gave me this card:

(Paul said the paw print was extra hard to trace. :)

And in it was an iTunes gift card! Woohoo!

Obi gave me this card:

(Love the margerita glass filled with chocolate milk. ;)

And in it was a GIANT Hershey's special dark chocolate bar. Score!

And then they all (Paul included) went back to bed for an hour. When I got ready for church and then came out to the living room, Paul had left this sweet card on the tv table for me to find:

(The center, when it opens up, says, "You deserve a wonderful day." Paul said he concurred. :)

I have the coolest, sweetest hubby ever.  :)

At church, we learned about some awesome women in the scriptures, and the young men passed out chocolate and live flowers to all the women in the ward 18 and over.  Can't wait to add them to my mini-garden out on our patio.

I feel pretty spoiled. :)

Even more important than all this gift-giving and segregating into "mom" and "not moms" is the doctrine of motherhood, of womanhood. I love being a woman (most days ;) because I know the power I have to influence the world for the better. Love you men, for sure, but even prophets have said that no power or influence is stronger in changing the nations of the world than that of women and mothers. People who think the church is all about anti-feminism and taking away the rights/education/futures of its women REALLY DON'T GET IT AT ALL!!! Women are so loved in the gospel plan, and so honored, and so remembered. They are the crowning glory of creation. Eve is venerated as the true mother of all the earth, even before she had given birth, because she sacrificed her own comfort in a feat of heroic faith, setting the Plan in motion to make this life possible for each and every one of us (isn't that what mothers do?).  Women are all over the scriptures if you read them carefully--in some of the most touching moments, especially interacting with the Savior, women have been missionaries, pillars of strength, friends to the friendless, and heroes in their own right.  We can partake in every necessary ordinance and blessing the church and the gospel has to offer--not just as a side note or an afterthought but as VITAL, EQUAL PARTNERS in an eternal companionship that is the highest of all blessings the Lord can give us. We have sacred responsibilities in our homes and in our communities that NO ONE ELSE CAN DO.  Bearing children is really only one small part of the doctrine of motherhood, and I feel SO EMPOWERED when I think of how the Lord sees me and my role, in my family, my ward, and His kingdom.

CHECK OUT THIS TALK.  It's one of my favorites EVER about the eternal nature of womanhood and motherhood.  There are LOTS more like it out there, too.  We have a specific role to play, women, no matter what our situations are.  And today is a day to celebrate THAT.  To celebrate YOU.  I'm so happy to know this, and to have a husband that knows and understands it, as well.  I love being a woman and knowing what that really *means*!  SO HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to you ALL!  :)

My Moms

I'm blessed to have lots of women in my life who have acted as mother figures in my times of need--especially in young women's organizations at Church.  But only three special ladies get to claim the word mother in the official title (as they are related to me): my step-mother, my mother-in-law, and my mother.

I'm so blessed to have each of them in my life!  Where would we be without mothers?

A shout-out to Carri, my step-mother, who tries her hardest to teach us what is right.  Her protectiveness doesn't just extend to our family; she has given more than 20 years of military service to our country, which has come at no small price to her, personally.  She is my example in all things crafty, and she fills her life with things that give it purpose and meaning.

Another shout-out to Paulette, my mother-in-law.  While I've only had her as a "mom" for a short time, she has really made me feel at home in our family.  She is the most generous person I know, and she passes it off as a cultural thing but I know better--it's just what's in her heart.  She is STILL helping us, financially and otherwise, and just genuinely loves being around and serving other people.  She is a healer.  She is fiery and funny.  She raised the man I fell in love with and has lots of great advice to give me about everything in life.  She also raised my sister-in-law, who I adore.  You can't raise people like them and be bad.  :)

A special shout-out to my mother-who-birthed-and-raised me.  I was a difficult child to raise--I didn't think it then, because I didn't get into a lot of trouble or anything, but now I know better.  I had an insatiable curiosity and a steep learning curve, not to mention a fiercely independent streak.  I wasn't a terribly social kid, and I was a depressed teenager.  It couldn't have been easy to raise a child who thought they knew everything.  Or to see her grow up, thinking she didn't need you, and yet also seeing her be too afraid to take any real chances.  Mom has always been on my side, which is what I've needed most.  She always encouraged me to love learning, not only in words and the toys she bought me (I had my own microscope, telescope, and chemistry set by the time I was 10) but also by example.  I know of no one who exemplifies honest living and a charitable heart more than my mother.  She loves the Earth we live on and has a very Native spirit to her.  She is quick to forgive, always ready to help anyone, and beautiful inside and out.  Her biggest flaw (one all of us inherited) is that she is so self-deprecating that she can't see how much good she brings into the world.  I would be lost without her!

Happy Mother's Day, to all women everywhere (for we are all mothers of children), but especially to my moms.  I hope I can take the best parts of you and pass them along to the future generations of our family.