But that's not really why I'm posting today. I really only post anything anymore when I have something important to say, and today that something is gratitude. I'm so grateful to my Father in Heaven for the calm, insightful, reverent spirit I've had within myself since Paul's passing--He has been teaching me a lot these last few months and comforting me through even the hardest nights. I'm grateful that this experience has brought me closer to Him. I'm grateful that even though I haven't felt Paul with me directly, I've been inspired to feel his influence in my life in many ways and to also feel the Lord's Spirit take over in a few instances where I needed Him most. (Even just over Christmas!) Even in my flawed state, when tempers flare or the loneliness is overwhelming, He does not leave me forsaken. I'm just very grateful.
I'm grateful to have seen my brother yesterday. I cried when I saw him on the screen in court, I cried when I heard him talking and realized how grown-up he is now (he IS 25, when did that happen?), and I cried the whole way home. He's in prison, and has been for quite some time--he missed our wedding and Paul's funeral, and his own son being born, and a host of other major events, and it's really reaching him. He talks differently now. He has some focus for the long-term, rough road ahead and for the first time seems ready to take some responsibility for himself. For the first time in a LONG time (a decade and then some) I have *hope* for my little brother. I actually want him in my life and believe I can help support him in some way as he transitions (eventually, he's not out yet) back into the real world. I am so grateful.
My niece is getting baptized tomorrow, along with two of her stepbrothers. My sister, who for her whole adolescence and most of her adulthood has been ambivalent at best about the gospel, has been going to church with her little family since Paul passed away. They're going to be sunbeam teachers. The kids are getting baptized. Cerene and Casey are working towards being sealed. They are adopting in a few months. I hoped for these things for her for a long time, but I can't believe the peace and joy that have come when they are finally happening! I am so grateful.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not all smiles. The holidays really were hard and every day I miss Paul more, not less. I cry almost every day, the ache is so much stronger than I'd ever imagined. I am sad, and angry, and jealous of others in a very intense way I'm not proud of.
But I just have also felt so blessed lately to be a witness to so many miracles, and I know there are more to come. I'm definitely sticking around for as long as I'm given, to see what they are! And I just felt like I should share that with you today. People, and life, can be so full of contradictions. But it doesn't make the good things any less true. Even with all the hard things I'd rather not pass through, and even though I'm all those "bad" (or, more truthfully, hard) feelings, I am also so very, very blessed. God is good.
I hope your Christmas was at *least* as blessed as mine was.
