2018 Theme..."Let in the Light"

I began thinking about my 2018 theme sometime last August. The start of school is a lot like the New Year for me, in that I start having visions and goals of what the future should hold, and impressions about how I want to improve. I felt very strongly that I should have my theme be the same as what will go on our headstone once I can actually afford it--simply, "Called to Serve." I've spent the last 4 1/2 years since my husband's death thinking and feeling very selfishly, mostly out of necessity...but I want to do more for others and to focus on helping relieve their needs instead of my own. Last year's theme was "Go and do," which became something of a battle cry for those moments when I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything, especially that the Lord asked. It helped me stay motivated to chase after my goals, spiritual and temporal, and to focus on obedience a little more.

It worked. Mostly. For a while.

The problem with this and other themes for me is that I have this faith and goodness thing all backwards. I feel like I have to run around "going and doing" and eventually I will find/earn/create this goodness, this Light that I so desperately crave in my life.

But that Light is already there, independent of myself, whether I "go and do" or "stay and sleep." I can't change it, but I CAN let it change me. I realized that, much like the people building the Tower of Babel, I was trying to "earn" my way into heaven (or, heck, even into peace here and now) through good works. While I DEFINITELY believe in the importance of works, and could cite several scriptures and prophets that verify that our actions DO matter, I realized that my intense focus on this had the opposite effect I so desperately desired. It just left me tired--no, exhausted--and feeling inadequate, like if I didn't feel that peace or see the blessings then I just wasn't working hard enough at it. (And sometimes, that is true! Take promptings about self-correction seriously. But it's also a dangerous and proud way to think sometimes...) OR, even worse, that the Lord just didn't love me like He loves so-and-so so I'll never have what they have so WHY EVEN BOTHER spinning my wheels because I'll NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH to get that goodness in me.

General Conference changed everything for me. In two separate addresses, one to the women of the Church and one to the men, speakers spoke of Light. Light is a powerful word. The brightness that chases away the darkness and confusion, that shows the way; the strength that helps us bear heavy burdens...after listening to/reading these talks, I just had this image of the OPPOSITE of everything I had been doing. Of a moment at a beach, or along a trail, or in a garden, where I am STILL and QUIET and my eyes are closed, my face turned toward the sun and I'm just there, letting it warm me, doing nothing but turning to the sunshine and letting it in. I realized that THAT was what I wanted and needed in my life right now. I didn't want to chase after it like a prize to be won, I just wanted to access what was already there waiting for me. Peaceful and still, and then let it warm up the coldness and light up the darkness that I have seen inside of myself so acutely lately until it fills me up and spills over into everything else I do and everyone else I encounter.

There is still a lot to DO to let in this heavenly Light, I realize this. But the focus is different, and the realization that in doing I just have to turn to it, let it in, and then get out of my own way has made a huge difference in how I go about the doing. 

I'm excited to see where this year takes me. And I'm excited to be blogging and journaling again so that you can be a witness along the way. :)

This is the day I address mothers and non-mothers

Mother's Day is coming up fast.  You all know I love any excuse to party, but this is a rough one for me. So much so that I am actually blogging my thoughts, because they won't leave me alone when I try to get any of the MANY other things done that I really ought to.

To the mothers, meaning those of you who have born or adopted children that you are legally and morally responsible for: This weekend, you will be smothered with hugs and kisses by tiny bodies, or get a breakfast in bed that you can barely stomach down (but by golly, you with your mother heart, you will!), or  phone calls from older children far away, or receive cards and hand print-covered aprons from grandchildren. Some of you will mourn the wayward child or grieve a child who left this earth before you. Some of you will be so caught up in remembering your own mothers (for better or for worse) that, once again, you will fail to take time to celebrate and pamper yourself. Many of you will feel internally censured rather than celebrated, because Mother's Day focuses on the ideal mother and you feel anything but. There are a thousand ways to be happy and a thousand ways to be sad when you're a mother, and I know Mother's Day only amplifies all those feelings at once. I am aware of you, of the dailiness of every gross, sticky little thing you do to further the human race and to do it well. I hope you take the day, or even the afternoon, or an hour, or a moment, to honor yourselves and all you do so selflessly to keep the world going. It is no small thing!

However, as a non-mother, I do have a few requests. There are few days as difficult for me as Mother's Day...this was always the case, but especially once Paul and I tried to have children of our own and couldn't. I have since had some of the most intimate conversations with women from every walk and station of life, and while everyone has different "triggers," there are a few that seem to be universal. I'm not saying this to be defensive, merely to help you be more aware of what your well-meaning words sound like to those of us on the other side. What I'm writing is especially for you LDS women out there, who know just how very ETERNAL and all-encompassing the doctrine of motherhood is for EVERY woman, regardless of marital status or how many children we raise.

(1) Avoid saying--ESPECIALLY FROM THE PULPIT--"I'm so glad Heavenly Father trusts me to have and raise this child." Not only is it doctrinally false, but it is incredibly hurtful to the faithful woman who wants to raise a child and can't. Yes, Heavenly Father entrusts His precious little ones to your care, but that's not saying every child only comes to those He trusts. (So, what, the 16-year-old drug addict down the street pregnant with her second child is more trustworthy than a stable, loving married couple who have been patiently waiting for 12 years?) If the world were perfectly fair, then those who "deserve" to be parents would be, and those who do not deserve to be parents wouldn't. But life isn't fair. You didn't EARN your children. God gave them as a gift to you, not only for your joy but also for your eternal education. He has entrusted them to your care, and will hold you accountable for what you do with your time and energy where children and family are concerned. When I think about some of my closest friends that have struggled with infertility, and I imagine it would be the same for you, I know they are some of the MOST worthy and willing people in the world. Maybe there is something to that. Elder Paul V. Johnson taught,  "At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses. And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right." Perhaps, then, some women and couples who already possess many of the divine attributes of loving parents don't need to learn those same lessons in the same way, so they are given other challenges and experiences instead. The Lord loves us all equally, and He doesn't withhold anything from us that we need to achieve the full measure of our creation. Not only will those who are worthy and willing have children in the hereafter ("better late than never? Not really what the Lord is going for there...), but He will perform many mighty works through those who have only Him to lean upon.
(2) Along those lines, please know that, while it is true that there are some things you can only learn from raising children of your own, there are other, equally valuable and important things you can only learn through struggling with the loneliness of singlehood for a decade (or two, or three), or through widowhood, or through infertility. Every experience we have is unique, and all truth is of value. When we earnestly seek to learn and grow from whatever blessing or trial we are handed in this life, we learn and become perfected in that one thing. But there are other things. It's one of the reasons God wants us all to work together, to have our hearts knit together in unity and love, to do our visiting teaching, to get involved in our community...we each have something to give, and we each have something to learn. Motherhood is one incredibly important way to grow into our divine nature, and something we should strive for if possible. But it is not salvation (that comes through Christ, not through motherhood on earth), and it is not a status symbol to hold over those who are not mothers. Yes, you probably know some things now that you couldn't even imagine knowing before you were a mom. But that's true of me now, too, with widowhood and infertility. Hopefully we are ALL learning and growing because of our gifts and our trials...that's kind of the point. Please don't assume that your knowledge now is better or more important than what I have to offer.

(3) Avoid saying--ESPECIALLY FROM THE PULPIT--anything along the lines of the quote from Elder Neil L. Anderson's talk (you know the one, quoted from a Christian mommy blogger--"Motherhood is not a hobby, it's a calling...It is not something you do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for"). Okay, it's a fantastic quote that makes you feel (rightfully) the awesomeness of what you do every day, I get it. But you have to consider the audience of both the blog and the conference in which it was stated. It wasn't used to shame those who, whether by virtue of personal revelation or by having a body that doesn't work right, don't have children. It was a reminder to MOTHERS of where your priorities ought to be. It was encouraging those who were struggling down the path of acceptance that their lives would forever be changed in the best of ways, and warning those who put off having children for selfish reasons that there are more important things than money, travel, etc. When you're a mother, this quote resonates for you, affirming the very honorable choice you have made. HOWEVER. When you say this quote from the pulpit or in a relief society lesson--especially on Mother's Day--then those who want to be mothers only feel an ever-deepening ache, and wonder what on earth we are doing here, then? The truth is, mothers, that mothering is what God gave YOU time for. But those for whom motherhood is not in the cards? Maybe God gave them time for something else. Because otherwise, my very existence makes no sense, and I am a waste of space and time. While I don't think you should have to walk on eggshells around the over-insensitive infertile or single women, this quote is probably one of the LEAST favorite quotes of every righteous woman who would love to have her time taken up by little ones.

(4) Avoid trying to comfort the unattached or the infertile with Sheri Dew talks (we've read them all, and also she was a single, childless member, so she is "one of us" and gets to say things to us that you, frankly, can't), lists of the many ways we can still serve children (we are aware and for the most part we are trying, but sometimes it does hurt too much and we need to take care of ourselves), or "at leasts"/"aren't you glad?"s.  One of the most hurtful things you can say to someone who wants a child is "aren't you glad you don't have to deal with (insert random painful, gross, or silly aspect of pregnancy, birth, or childrearing)? Because, the truth is, most of us would cut off our right leg if it meant we got to experience those things firsthand. I am a school teacher, and I have been in primary for 6 years, and I'm a killer aunt and babysitter, and I happen to find a lot of joy and fill a lot of voids that way. But (a) that's just my personality, not everyone finds peace and comfort in surrounding themselves with children, and (b) I know it's not the same as having a little one cry out only for you, as hearing them call you "mommy" and running up for one-of-a-kind hugs.  

What else CAN you say, then, you may be asking? Well, how about, "I love you. I'm thinking of you. You are an awesome woman of great faith and strength. Let's go out to lunch, or even better dessert (and then you have to actually go and talk about something other than your children!)." Those genuinely-stated sentiments are pretty much always a guarantee to making someone's day, mother or not, am I right?

What you do, mothers, is nothing short of miraculous. I'm not belittling any of the marvelous, selfless, difficult, timeless things you do. I hope you enjoy your special day on Sunday and that the people in your life treat you with all the LOVE that you deserve (and all the LOVE you don't!). But I would love it even more if ALL women could avoid the tears and heartache that this day brings and instead feel honored and valued for what they as strong women of faith contribute to their families, communities, and congregations, and if you can do something to lighten the load of another sister--even if it's just holding some of your thoughts in for a day--then why not?

Now, to all the NON-mothers out there, meaning you who want a child but, for any number of reasons, cannot currently hold little ones of your own in your arms: PLEASE KNOW THAT YOUR LIFE IS NOT A CONSOLATION PRIZE. You came to this planet with seeds of deity within you and a very specific mission to fulfill, and you are NOT a waste of time or space to He who created you! You are so incredible to me, and not because you're "surviving" a difficult thing but because you are radiating positivity and goodness and community right smack in the middle of it. I have been so honored to listen to your stories, so touched by your faithfulness, so saddened by your losses and shattered dreams. I have no idea why some bodies work right to reproduce and some do not or why some people find their soulmate at age 19 and others search the world their whole lives and come up short, nor do I know why you, of all amazing people in the world, must personally endure this trial. But there is One who does know. And I want to tell you that the Lord, God, creator of all, knows your name. He not only weeps with you in the bitterness of your grief, but He wants to rejoice in the goodness He has to offer you.  He is not merely withholding some blessings until the next life by chance or vengeance. As I stated above, He has things He wants to give you and teach you here and now, and sometimes that means having children, and sometimes it doesn't. But that doesn't mean you are in ANY WAY less worthy of every good thing He has in store for you, and not just in eternity.  HERE AND NOW.  Maybe you just have other things to learn and do in this life. Certainly you have a work that ONLY YOU can do, and perhaps that mission could not be accomplished if you had a child. SOMEONE needs to be the teachers, the nurses, the engineers, the artists, the architects, and for now, that someone is YOU. I know it's not enough. But please know *YOU* ARE ENOUGH.

Please don't let your heartache over the things you DON'T have overshadow the many gifts that you DO have. Reflect on your blessings, and improve on your strengths. We need you!

Please don't take offense, even when mothers say the wrongest things. Be gracious.  They mean well. Let them mother you a little in the ways they know how.

Please take time to celebrate and pamper yourself a little this weekend, whether anyone else will or not. You may not be as sleep-deprived but I know you are still a different kind of exhausted. Life is hard and it is tiring for everyone. So enjoy a day to celebrate YOU and the contribution you are already making to the world.

Today is the Day It Has Been One Year

I feel like I should share some of my thoughts on my first year of widowhood. They might surprise you. :) The last year has been quite the journey, and if my thoughts can help anyone else who is struggling with a loss, then maybe my good intentions can be found through the sometimes-confusing words.

A year ago today, I thought I'd never be happy again. When all the condolences started rolling in, I felt as though I knew survival would be my endgame and there was nothing more for me than to "wait it out," this thing called pain, and that to "endure to the end" of my burden of days with some dignity was as much as I could hope for. 

FALSE. 

There is so much more to this life, to my being, than just my grief, and there is so much more to you than yours. Don't let it define you! I am, surprisingly, a creature of joy! And I have found tremendous joy even as I have felt tremendous pain. It has been the most pleasant surprise of the year, that my happiness is not contingent on circumstance, but a conscious choice every day to see the good in my life. That we can be so full of contradictions is what makes us interesting, right? Paul exuded happiness every day of his own short 28 3/4 years in this planet, and the 6 years we were together taught me so much about being happy, come what may. It is possible to not just survive widowhood, but to rejoice through it! It doesn't mean you loved him any less. As one who has struggled with serious depression several times in my life, this has been life-changing to discover and incredible to live.

***

A year ago today, I thought that grief would ebb and flow away slowly as time went by, that holidays and anniversaries would be impossibly hard but that every other day things would get a little bit easier. 

FALSE. 

Grief is not a decrescendo. Yes, I was weepier those first few months as I adjusted to this new life, but it's not exactly ebbed and flowed like I had pictured it. The first Christmas without him was hard, but New Year's was very peaceful. I cried a whole random week in April, but our anniversary (which I had taken off from work) turned out to be just fine, me all bored and sitting at home and wishing I hadn't wasted a day off. The truth about grief is that it hits you at random, a drive-by shooting of tears or giggles at sometimes incredibly inconvenient and surprising times, and you just have to roll with it and enjoy your very valid excuse to be a little crazy. Let yourself be sad on the days you're sad, but also let yourself be happy on the days you're happy.  He would expect no less!

***

A year ago today, I thought that, because I had lost the love of my life, I had no one left to love me...or, more accurately, that all the "lesser" love wouldn't be enough to make up for my loss.

FALSE.

I have had love pouring in from the most unexpected places and at the most unexpected times, and it has not only been "enough" but I truly feel "my cup runneth over," in the best way possible. People surprise me every day with their thoughtfulness. I have a huge family nearby that I get to spend a lot of time with, and a handful of close friends who love me no matter what kind of day I'm having, and that has helped me remember that love comes in many forms but it is never "lesser." It's just different. I'm blessed to work with children at school and in my church calling who give me so many reasons to smile and even cry happy tears, whose hugs and high fives fill a void I don't always pay attention to. Coworkers who never even knew him and really didn't even know me at the time have been a tremendous support, and countless others have just changed me for the better in small, unacknowledged ways. I have also felt God's love for me very truly and deeply, and that has been a transformative experience all on its own. Yes, it is a loss, and it is sad and hard and different. But! Love is everywhere, you just have to accept it into your life from the many, many people aching to give it.

***

A year ago today, I thought I knew what it meant to be gracious.

FALSE.

People sometimes say the worst and very "wrongest" things, but with good intentions.
Love them anyway.
People who never spoke to you before will suddenly try, inexplicably, to "cash in" on your friendship. You'll get invited to a "sympathy" dinner once, and then will be forgotten.
Love them anyway.
People who used to be your friends will suddenly no longer have anything to say to you, and you will not be invited to get-togethers and birthday parties.
Love them anyway.
Life will go on for everyone else, while a part of you will always be stuck in a very tragic moment in time. There will be weddings, babies, new jobs and homes and joys for others, and you will feel robbed of those things (and more) on some days.
Love them anyway.
Being gracious is a lifelong process of becoming, and I am still learning a lot about it myself, but compared to a year ago, I have definitely improved in my ability to be gracious to others who mean well, and I know that it is a HUGE part of finding that peace and happiness and healing that anyone with a loss searches so desperately for.

***

A year ago today, I thought I knew God.

FALSE.

But God knows me. And that has become enough. Coming to know God is a lifelong process, too, but it's worth it on the days when I can catch even the slightest glimpse of how He sees me, and how I should see those around me.  It's worth it on the days when I can see God in the faces of my friends, family, and even strangers I happen across on the street. I have learned more this year about the love of God, of His patience, of His compassion, of His mercy, and of His plans for each one of us, than I ever could have anticipated. I am humbled to think of the one short shot we get at this life, and what I believe He intends for us to do with it.

Leave the world better than you found it, and enjoy the journey!

Salvation Through Suffering

A couple of weeks ago, I gave a talk in sacrament meeting entitled "Salvation Through Suffering."  I'm finally getting around to posting. Thanks for reading. :)

Celeste’s Talk January 26, 2014

Salvation Through Suffering

The Plan of Salvation is often known by several other names.  The Plan of Happiness.  The Plan of Righteousness. The Plan of Mercy.  Those words I understand, but there is one title that has always mystified me a little, and that is the Plan of Redemption. I knew that you could redeem a coupon for free ice cream at Cold Stone.  I knew that a bad argument could be redeemed by one really great point.  I’d heard of people redeeming mortgages or the government redeeming bonds.  I knew most importantly, and this is of course the real focus of my talk today, that the scriptures are replete with testimony that the Savior of mankind came to redeem His people.  So with all these many, very different usages, what does this word really mean? 

I learned these past few weeks that the word redeem has its roots in Latin and means to “buy back.”  If the Savior redeemed us, He must have bought us back from something, and back to something.  What is it?  And he bought us with a price.  What price?  Elder Holland once taught (and I’m paraphrasing a little for context), “I am convinced that (gospel living) is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy.  We are The Church of Jesus Christ…how could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for him? It seems to me that (members) have to spend at least a few moments in Gethsemane…Now, please don’t misunderstand.  I’m not talking about anything anywhere near what Christ experienced…but I believe that…to come to the truth, to come to salvation, to know something of this price that has been paid, we will have to pay a token of that same price…If (the Savior) could come forward in the night…and cry, ‘Abba, Father (Papa), if this cup can pass, let it pass,’ then little wonder that salvation is not a whimsical or easy thing for us.  If you wonder if there isn’t an easier way, you should remember you are not the first one to ask that.  Someone a lot greater and a lot grander than you asked a long time ago if there wasn’t an easier way…the only way to eternity is through Him—the Way, the Truth, and the Life.”[i]

Today, I’ve been asked to focus on a different but similar quote from Elder Holland, given in the most recent General Conference.  He taught of the struggles and trials that come to all of us, “in striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters, it is crucial to remember that we are living—and chose to live—in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again.  Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came.  It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive.”[ii]

I think most of us understand that when we actively apply the Atonement, the Savior is there to help us bear our burdens.  We think of the Comforter or of the promised blessings that await us, and we know that, first, these things are bearable.  And then, I think we mostly know, and can all testify, that our trials do become understandable, even if only in hindsight.  We learn valuable lessons and skills, we grow into our Divine Nature, we see how the Savior helps us and our testimony of Him is strengthened.  I’m not going to talk about that either.  J  I’d like to focus on the last part of Elder Holland’s quote, where our trials can be “finally redemptive,” or how we can be saved from our sins through them. 

Even more specifically, we basically have two kinds of trials—those that are consequences of our choices, and those over which we have no control.  I think we understand that, as we sin and consequently suffer, we are drawn into the repentance process and can be forgiven of sins.  So I’m not even going to cover that today.  But can we be saved from our sins even through suffering that occurs through no fault of our own?  The answer? Absolutely! 

As I’ve pondered the variety of trials I have endured in my own life, I can testify on a very personal level that there is truly salvation in suffering.  Why?  How is it done?  I’m honestly not totally sure.  But the scriptures testify of it again and again.  And I have felt it.  I noticed in studying this topic that it is particularly mentioned by the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi, the New Testament Apostle Paul, and to the early Saints in the Doctrine and Covenants.  This comes as no surprise if you consider the task that lay in front of each of them, establishing new branches of the Kingdom of God, which of necessity requires a cleansing, purifying power to make it His, make it work, and make it last. 

Nephi and his brothers endured suffering and temptations of nearly every kind, and severe chastening by the Lord.  Of course we know that Laman and Lemuel brought a lot of the chastening on themselves through wickedness, but even Nephi exclaimed in the throes of grief after his father (the prophet Lehi) passed away, “O wretched man that I am!  Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins.”[iii]  This is NEPHI.  He has come to be known to millions as the quintessential prophet of righteousness and obedience!  He had visions and blessings abound, but he was not exempt from suffering, usually at the hands of his brothers but sometimes just because that is life.  Yet even in this moment of his most profound sadness, he declared, “Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.  My God hath been my support (there’s the bearable)…He hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time (there’s the understandable)…He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh” (and THERE is the redemption).  

It is this humility, this ultimate leaning on the Lord and submissiveness to His will, patiently bearing all things, that enabled Nephi to be “bought back” from his sins and weaknesses and be made whole enough in spite of them to lead a family, and soon a whole people, into a promised land.  Nephi, a righteous prophet of God, was sanctified through his suffering.

The writings of the Apostle Paul abound with encouragement to the early Christians to not only bear their sufferings patiently but to rejoice in them.  “Rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings…if ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you.” [iv] (Bearable.) We are divine children of God with knowledge and power, “but we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.” [v] (Understandable.) “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”[vi] (There’s salvation in there.)  He taught that even Christ Himself not only earned our salvation through His suffering, but His own: “Though He were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered; And being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him.”[vii]

The early Saints in this dispensation have a similar story.  They were trying to do a massively great thing—establish the Lord’s church and kingdom again on the earth, with Jesus Christ at its head.  Sometimes mistakes were made, and sometimes they just needed refining.  “Zion cannot be built up unless it is by the principles of the law of the celestial kingdom,” the Lord taught, “and my people must needs be chastened until they learn obedience, if it must needs be, by the things which they suffer.” [viii] “Behold, this is the blessing which I have promised after your tribulations…your redemption, and the redemption of your brethren.” [ix] “Yet I will own them, and they shall be mine (for He truly bought them with a heavy price)…therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried…for those who will not endure chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified.”[x]  We know our history; we know how the Saints humbled themselves and grew through their sufferings into this divine vision.  Zion was indeed established in the Latter Days.

So it appears that much of our suffering is intended to humble us enough to come to the Lord again and again.  It is possible to come unto Christ without immense suffering, but most of us need a little hardship now and again as a reminder.  President Harold B. Lee taught of this suffering, “Some of us have been tried and have been tested until our very heart strings would seem to break…Sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea, for like the experience of the Master himself in the temptation on the mount, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and on the cross at Calvary, the scriptures record, ‘And behold, angels came and ministered unto him.’ Sometimes that may happen to you in the midst of your trials.”[xi]

“We don’t seek out tests, trials, and tribulations.  Our personal journey through life will provide just the right amount for our needs…At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope…it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses.  And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right.”[xii]

I know I have experienced this again and again, most recently when I lost Paul. There are no words to describe the pain that has come with this separation; it has been my greatest trial, facing day after day without him, knowing that it will be so for the rest of my time in mortality.  But there is also a very sacred sweetness that has come into my life as I have had to make the Savior my constant companion, one which I don’t have adequate words for but that doesn’t make it any less real or true. In the midst of my grief and in wrestling with the Spirit, on my knees I have come to know my Savior in a new light.  I felt this especially in the first weeks after his passing, largely, I know, because of the prayers and fasting of many of you on my behalf.  I was compelled to rely on others, and I felt the Spirit pouring down from heaven profoundly.  (It was bearable.) As I pondered this Plan of Redemption that I always believed, a more sure knowledge settled in my soul “as the dews from heaven,” and there are things of the Spirit I now know. Additionally, I was blessed to understand how the Lord had prepared me through other trials in my life to meet this challenge, and know that He would take care of me.  (It was understandable.)  I especially felt the love of our Savior when I needed it most, assuring me that I was forgiven and being purified, and that I was capable of loving and forgiving others.  (I knew I had been redeemed, and would be again and again as often as I came unto Him.) I don’t always feel this way now—life has a way of distracting us from these revelations—but I feel this especially when I sit at Paul’s graveside.  I’m human, of course--I worry and doubt and sin—but a calm assurance always comes that lets me know I am known and loved of the Lord.  I feel, again and again, saved.  Redeemed.  Bought back.  Back from my own sinfulness, back to that God that gave me life.  I have come to know that we must endure suffering to be reminded of our vulnerability, of our ultimate powerlessness and reliance on the Lord, to seek that constant connection that saves us.  I think no matter how righteous we are, we will spend our whole lives learning over and over again to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in Him, and deny (ourselves) of all ungodliness…then are (we) sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ.”[xiii]

I add my witness to that of the prophets of His redeeming power, and of the redemptive power of our trials.  We are saved through suffering—our own, and that of the Savior.  It is why we are here, and it is why He came.  I so testify in the name of our beloved Redeemer, even Jesus Christ, amen.

---

[i] “Missionary Work and the Atonement,” Jeffrey R. Holland, Mar. 2001 Ensign

[ii] “Like a Broken Vessel,” Jeffrey R. Holland, October 2013 General Conference

[iii] 2 Nephi 4: 17-21, 23

[iv] 1 Peter 4: 13-14

[v] 2 Corinthians 4: 7

[vi] 2 Corinthians 12:10

[vii] Hebrews 5: 8-9

[viii] D&C 105: 5-6

[ix] D&C 103: 13

[x] D&C 101:3-5

[xi] In Conference Report, Munich Germany Area Conference, 1973, pg. 114

[xii] “More than Conquerors Through Him that Loved Us,” Paul V. Johnson, April 2011 General Conference

[xiii] Moroni 10: 32-33

See also Romans 8: 37-39; Alma 5:26; Isaiah 43: 1-2; 2 Corinthians 1: 5-6; 1 Peter 1: 3-9; Hebrews 12: 6-14; Isaiah 53: 5; Galatians 3:24; James 1: 2-6; D&C 90: 36; Luke 21:28; Psalms 49:8; 3 Nephi 9: 13-14, 17, 21-22; Ephesians 1: 6-7; Mormon 9: 12-13; Alma 34:16; Alma 12: 33-34; “The Purifying Power of Gethsemane” by Bruce R. McConkie (April 1985 General Conference); “An High Priest of Good Things to Come” by Jeffrey R. Holland (October 1999 General Conference); “None Were With Him” by Jeffrey R. Holland (April 2009 General Conference); “Broken Things to Mend” by Jeffrey R. Holland (April 2006 General Conference)

TOFW Indy 2013

I thought I'd share a few insights, quotes, pictures, etc., from Time Out For Women this year, so if you couldn't make it you'd feel like you were there with me.  :)  Also, I have a lot to ponder and work on and I want to remember it all!  So, here are the highlights:

About 2,000 LDS women gathered in the Indianapolis Convention Center this weekend to hear fantastic speakers and musicians provide inspiration and promote unity, which is especially nice so close to Conference weekend!  The place was packed--this was during a break so you can't tell how truly full it was, but it was!

The fun ladies I got to travel and sit with:

I was ESPECIALLY grateful for the company.  After 2012's TOFW in Salt Lake City, with old roommates and friends (which was LOVELY, but they are ALL stay-at-home-moms and conversations were often, unintentionally, irrelevant and even sometimes hurtful), I *knew* I wanted to take a few friends who were in the same stage of life as me (working, with no kids) to a TOFW a little closer to home.  I love these ladies like family and I think a simple girl's weekend out with some amazing speakers was just what all of us needed!

We got to stay in a pretty sweet hotel, not only because it was a huge hotel with a great view (see below) but because it had a skywalk to our parking garage, which had a skywalk to the convention center--so it was very convenient!  And the BREAKFAST (which we got for free because they gave us a room with a king instead of 2 queens and couldn't rearrange anything) was AMAZING!!!

Gorgeous view of the city from our room, on the 24th floor!

 I also actually bought a few things.  :)  A lil' book from Sister Mary Ellen Edwards (HILARIOUS), and a CD from Jenny Oaks Baker (RIDICULOUSLY talented).  Also, check out the cute tote, navy with chevron pockets and a sweet TOFW logo:

ANYWHO, the theme for TOFW this year is "Higher"--think, believe, live higher, in faith and action.  So I doodled the theme (among other things) as I listened:

Side note before I go into the actual notes from the speakers and presenters: When did Jericho Road get so old?  ;)  I remember, vaguely, knowing who they were back in 2001 when they premiered, and let's just say boy bands aren't the same when they are all in their 30s with children.  :)  Still a fun group, though--I especially loved their homage to every major boy band, ever--that had us all up and moving!

Okay, on to the speakers.  :)

John Bytheway

We came in late on Friday, so we missed about 1/2 hour of introductions and John Bytheway's talk.  But we came in enough time to hear him recite this beloved poem:

My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow,
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.

Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.
~Unknown

He also quoted a lady in his ward, who had been through some truly difficult challenges, and I think every pen in the room went flying when he said it:

"I'm going to stop looking at my God and telling Him how big my problems are, and I'm going to start looking at my problems and tell them how big my God is!" 

I love this.  Can you imagine if we really could do this with simple faith?  That's a paradigm shift right there, at least for me.  I know I often start expecting things and complaining to God when they don't happen just as I want them to, and many of my problems probably stem from that.  What if, instead of expecting, I just started giving and moving forward with simple faith that God can fight my battles for me?

He also reminded us all that God specializes in fixing broken things.  And He wants us to come to Him, no matter who we are, what we've done, or how broken we think we might be--just accept, admit that you are broken--that's what having a broken heart is all about!

Laurel Christensen, "Letting Go of Our Fears"

This was "that talk" for me, the one that was the reason I needed to go to TOFW.  I love so many of the things she said, and it really spoke to the common experience of every woman in the world--so many times we divide ourselves up into little camps, the "I've experienced this trial or that fear" camps, but in reality they all boil down to the same fears--fear of loneliness, of loss, of disappointment (which, as she pointed out, hasn't killed anyone yet!), of failure, of success, of stepping out of our comfort zones, of not being enough.  There are so many fears, and many of us let them consume us, and that can be devastating and debilitating!  We can find ourselves, even after thoughtful prayer and action, like Oliver Cowdery in D&C 9:11: "Behold, it was expedient when you commenced; but you feared, and the time is past, and it is not expedient now."  What sort of opportunities are we missing out on because of our fears?  Because God won't give us any blessings we are too afraid to tackle.  She challenged us, and I challenge you, to write down ONE.  Give it a name and a voice so you can battle it.

Then she quoted 2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  These are the things we (and the Lord, p.s.) fight our fears with! 

1. Fighting fear with POWER:
"Your identity, even if you don't like it, is your comfort zone."  Strike a power pose!  (That "Wonder Woman" or Victory pose, for 2 minutes--your body language doesn't just give cues to other people, according to studies it also sends YOURSELF messages--if you strike that power pose for 2 minutes, testosterone levels rise and cortizone levels fall!)  That power pose, p.s., can be prayer!  (See 2 Corinthians 5:17)

2. Fighting fear with LOVE:
"When you stop praying for what you really want, your heart stops wanting what you are no longer willing to pray for."  Think about that for a second.  I know I can relate to this--are there things in your life that you have stopped hoping for, or praying for?  When you give up, your heart really does start wanting other things to take its place--lesser, easier things, usually.  This is not to say that our goals cannot change over our lives, but when it comes to important, life-changing, righteous desires, LOVE and HOPE are the same, and we have to petition God faithfully for those things even for as long as we live!  "God will not waste a miracle on a doubter."  You know that idea of a faith-experiment in Alma 32?  Well, the opposite is true, as well--if you stop experimenting, you lose your belief and then even your desires.  "The real tragedy is not in not getting something you desire, the tragedy is not wanting it anymore."  Of course, she points out, not always will this mean that you'll get it in the end, there are many, many factors that go into which blessings and trials we receive in this life, "but don't let one of the factors be YOU."  God *IS* Love, and we call that love of Him HOPE.  So fighting fears with love is really fighting with hope and faith in Him, and letting Him fight those battles for us.

3. Fighting fear with A SOUND MIND:
"We sometimes use 'God's will' as a way to abdicate the responsibility to exercise our own."  He expects us to make choices, to decide (and tell Him) what we want, to help Him along in answering our prayers.  He trusts us as agents unto ourselves (kinda an incredible thought, really), and He doesn't want us paralyzed by fears, disappointments, and all the things that accompany it.  She mentioned here that familiar phrase, "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window," and she said it's not really like that at all.  It's not like He says, "Well, you can't walk through this awesome, amazing door, but I'll give you this itty bitty window to crawl through as a consolation prize."  :)  In truth, He is a master architect and He has doors hidden all over the walls of our lives, and through faith and works we find the doors He planned for us to find.  Our job is to walk through them!  Just as miracles come after the trials of our faith, PEACE comes after the COURAGE!  We don't always get peace before we act, because acting is exercising our agency in courage, or in faith, and THAT'S what He rewards.  Remember, "Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them." (2 Kings 6:16)  They will always be there, in defense of Abraham's seed.

See why I liked it so much?  :)

Mary Ellen Edmunds, "Change Your Mind"

"You don't plant corn and hope and pray for a melon!"  This started a great talk about likening the thoughts we have, which ultimately determine our actions and destiny, to planting seeds in a garden.  You can't plant anger and other "naughty stuff" in your heart and expect to have compassion, patience, etc.  Prepare the soil, nourish it by PONDERING.  (She quoted bits of Joseph B. Wirthlin's talk that you can find HERE--it's a great one about the importance and implications of pondering!)  What happens when you don't plant anything?  It's not that NOTHING grows.  WEEDS grow, and they grow fast!  Idle thoughts are our weeds.  "To be spiritually minded is life eternal," and that means our minds should be actively engaged in spiritual things.  Meditation, daily or weekly, "Thinking On Purpose," is time well spent.  Also, it takes time to grow good thoughts and deeds.  I think that's one of the many reasons we have been counseled to plant a garden.  It's not just about food storage, it's about learning diligence and important principles of faith and timing in an instant world.  :)  Also, she quoted D&C 6:16, and she emphasized "yea"--like, "YAY!"  Yay, you!  God knows the thoughts and intents of your heart and he sees good things there!  :)

Sandra Turley, "Sparks of Creation"

I also really liked her messages, even though it was all too brief.  Of course, she quoted President Uchtdorf's talk (READ IT AGAIN!) about our innate need as people, and especially as women, to create something that hasn't existed before--because we are children of God, the master Creator, and we each have that spark inside of us.  She would share a personal story and then share a broadway song that had new meaning to her (and us) because of that experience.  Like "Think of Me" as how Heavenly Father must've felt as He sent each of us to earth.  Or "For Good" (from Wicked) as a love letter to her almost-adopted daughter, whom she held and loved after years of awful infertility struggles and a miscarriage, for 43 days before her birth mother changed her mind and took her back.  It was touching and moving in every way and I loved it.  :)

D. Kelly Ogden, "Pain Amidst the Plan"

I didn't take very many notes, although truthfully it's more because I was getting hungry and sore from sitting at this point. :) So I'm not going to do this talk justice.  He likened faith in adversity to climbing a mountain.  He talked about his son, who has one leg I think, and a few of his friends with other disabilities who took days to climb this incredible mountain, and the lessons learned through that experience.  We recited a lot of hymns that had to do with turning to Christ in our pains and adversity.  He quoted Elder Marvin J. Ashton, "Greatness is best measured by how well an individual responds to the happenings in life that appear to be totally unfair, unreasonable, and undeserved."  (Love that!)  And he said that we are a "Yes" people; because of our faith in Christ, we can say "yes" to answering all the challenges ahead of us.

Jennifer Brinkerhoff Platt, "The Intentional Life"
If you could do just one more thing in your life, one big thing, one big goal, what would it be?  She had challenged herself to live with a heightened sense of awareness, to see the parable or lesson in the experiences she has, and her talk reflected this!  She noted that "the mission of Jesus Christ is to gather.  The mission of Satan is to separate."  How true that is!  How does Satan lie to you and make you feel separated from others, or from the Love of God?  Well, whatever it is, our #1 weapon to combat those lies is the Spirit.  And the Spirit comes through intentional, deliberate living.  "Does your daily routine reflect what you claim to value?"  That's a good question to ponder.  She says that we must be confident in serving and doing--we must prepare, participate, and remember.  And by participate, she doesn't mean show up or go through the motions--she means willfully, deliberatly take part in.  "A talk a day keeps Satan away."  Study general conference talks and scriptures with a purpose--ask, "What would the Lord have me see, hear, and know as I study?"  Identify principles, promises, and make commitments to act.  This all doesn't mean you have to add MORE into your lives!  "Just do what you're already doingn with greater intensity and purpose."  I love that idea.  I think I try hard to live an intentional life, but I know I have areas where I could apply this more--especially in my gospel study as of late!

Emily Freeman, "Reaches My Reaching"
"Welcome the tasks that take you beyond yourself."  "Launch out into the deep," like Peter.  Peter was a big focus of her talk, actually--what it must've been like for him to leave his nets full of fish, to have the biggest day of his career ever, and to leave it all to follow Christ.  Then, later, to walk on water!  And then get distracted, sink a little, and reach out to Christ to save him.  How we all can relate to that moment!  But Christ DOES reach our reaching.  "Be wise-hearted, not half-hearted," in following Christ.  She quoted one of my favorite quotes of ALL TIME:

“To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing, unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour."  ~Winston Churchill

What holds you back from "walking on water," or whatever your personal miracle and life of faith is?  Leave your nets and follow Him!  Offer your WHOLE SOUL, and He will reach out for you and lift you up.

***

I hope as you study and ponder these words and the associated talks, scriptures, and music, that you feel inspired to "live higher," too.  I feel like we are reaching a critical moment in our world's history in which you are either "going into the mountains" of the Lord and thinking, believing, living HIGHER--or else we're falling fast into the valleys and getting eaten by wolves and vultures.  It's a scary time, but it's also a marvelous time, and those who seek Him will be safe.  I want to be there, to be able to sing, "It is well with my soul."

Apparently I'm not finished thinking yet. :)

I love being Mormon.  I do.  I believe the gospel it in its *entirety.*  I focus my life on it.  I mourn my family and friends who have lost the influence of the goodness of the gospel of Christ as restored and revealed to modern-day prophets, through modern-day scripture. 

But I understand sometimes why people leave.  People are people, and Mormons are no exception. 

One thing that has recently bothered me, not about our doctrine but about our CULTURE, is that as Mormons we put a lot of focus on WORKS.  And works are important.  FOR SURE!!!  The commandments, ancient and modern, are meant to bring us peace and progression.  Numerous scriptures, quotes from general authorities, even secular theories tout the importance of building good habits and living a good life.  I firmly believe that actions speak louder than words, that living righteously makes us worthy of the Spirit and revelation that follows, that you can't have a solid democracy/republic without the virtue of its citizens, and that hyposcrisy, contention, drugs, laziness, etc. are of the devil. 

The problem is not in teaching righteousness, but in teaching it separately and compartmentalized from the Atonement.  I know this is a main factor in most of my family leaving the Church.  We focus an awful lot on our duty to the law--the Word of Wisdom, the Law of Chastity, For the Strength of Youth standards, tithing, and a million other laws to follow and things to avoid because, let's face it, that's what we can CONTROL.  And we have to teach these things, by word and example.  But all of these things are appendages to the gospel, not the gospel itself.  BEING GOOD PEOPLE IS NOT THE GOOD NEWS!  The good news should MAKE you a good person.  Sometimes I feel like we teach these things backwards, like "after all we can do" comes BEFORE the "it is by grace that we are saved" part.  Does that make sense?

This makes me remember something else I read earlier this week, an article by someone of another faith. (You can read the whole thing HERE) who was pondering the reasons kids leave church, even for a short while.  The whole thing is great, even if we have different faiths we agree on one thing: the doctrine of CHRIST MUST be at the center.  Forgive me, I am just going to quote some of my favorite parts because he says exactly what I've been thinking much better than I ever could:

"The evangelical church isn’t catechizing or teaching our kids the fundamentals of the faith, we’re simply encouraging them to “be nice” and “love Jesus”. (Insert any other "doing" law here.)  When they leave home, they realize that they can be “spiritually fulfilled” and get the same subjective self-improvement principles (and warm-fuzzies) from the latest life-coach or from spending time with friends or volunteering at a shelter. And they can be truly authentic, and they jump at the chance because…

They can’t do it. They know it. All that “be nice” moralism they’ve been taught? The bible has a word for it: Law. And that’s what we’ve fed them, undiluted, since we dropped them off at the Noah’s Ark playland: Do/Don’t Do. As they get older it becomes “Good Kids do/don’t” and as adults “Do this for a better life”. The gospel appears briefly as another “do” to “get saved.” But their diet is Law, and scripture tells us that the law condemns us. So that smiling, upbeat “Love God and Love People” vision statement? Yeah, you’ve just condemned the youth with it. Nice, huh? They either think that they’re “good people” since they don’t “do” any of the stuff their denomination teaches against (drink, smoke, dance, watch R rated movies), or they realize that they don’t meet Jesus own words of what is required. There’s no rest in this law, only a treadmill of works they know they aren’t able to meet. So, either way, they walk away from the church because…

Our kids are smart. They picked up on the message we unwittingly taught. If church is simply a place to learn life-application principals to achieve a better life in community… you don’t need a crucified Jesus for that...As we jettisoned the gospel, our students are never hit with the full impact of the law, their sin before God, and their desperate need for the atoning work of Christ. Now THAT is relevant, THAT is authentic, and THAT is something the world cannot offer."

Something to think about as we teach our children, our primary and youth classes, our wards...are you putting it all into perspective of the PLAN OF SALVATION?  Is Christ REALLY at the center of your lessons, your lives, or is He only in words?  Because if not, you are treading dangerous, exhausting waters.  In my humble opinion.

Thank goodness for a Heavenly Father who stands ready as our lifeguard, every moment!  And the Savior is the lifesaver He throws to us.  We can tread water and swim like pros, set our course and do our best, but it won't get us out of the water.  "He, Only One" can do that for us--and, in fact, He already has and continues to do so every day we let Him.

Just a quick something that I learned today...

We had a particularly awesome sacrament meeting today.  A friend of mine got up and gave one of the most honest, humbling talks I may have ever heard.  And I don't even remember most of it.  But the point was this:

The gospel doesn't always make your life HAPPIER.  But it DOES make it BETTER.

What do we do when all the little discouragments and setbacks "don't lead us to a happy, shiny ending, but instead prepare us" for the even bigger disappointments yet to come?  What if life is just plain hard, always, with only a few fleeting moments of respite in between?  Is the gospel still worth it?

This is something I have been pondering myself lately, this fact that "happier" and "better" aren't the same thing.  This idea of pleasure vs. happiness vs. joy.  The purpose of our trials, especially when you can't seem to catch a break from them.  The command to "be of good cheer."  Or even just the absence of noticeable blessings, especially if you've been praying and working for them for a long time.  And while I DO think that the perspective the gospel brings CAN bring happiness and peace in the NOW, I don't think that's the point of it.  If it is, we've ALL OF US missed the mark at some point or another and have no reason to continue.  And I know from experience that it's not always true that living righteously brings happiness in this life.  The point is that even if NOT, the gospel is still true.  The GOOD NEWS is still TRUE!  We have a Savior that succors us, that walks through these things with us.  He has suffered for our sins and made salvation possible.  We suffer to learn and grow.  You can't really learn and grow WITHOUT suffering and sacrificing (at least a little).  Especially when it comes to things of the Spirit.  We become more like the Savior when we stop trying to be happy (which is, at its core, a little selfish, even if it's necessary) and start trying to be better, to reach out to others and make THEM happier (isn't that what He did?).  Once again, that awesome talk, "But If Not," reiterates the fact that none of us are exempt from this thing we call LIFE.  Life isn't fair.  It's not easy, it doesn't go according to plan, and even if you try really hard to be grateful and faithful, most days are just "okay" at best.  But even if we have to wait 'til the next life for everything to be settled or fair or to receive the FULNESS of joy, the gospel is still worth knowing and living.  Because we're trying to become GODLY. 

That is a pretty lofty goal, don't you think? 

General Conference Weekend!

I love Conference weekend.  Tons.  Even if I don't *need* it some years as much as others (oh, you know what I mean), it's always a fun and relaxing weekend.  I am SO GRATEFUL to know that we have modern prophets, seers, and revelators on the earth today who speak in the name of Christ and direct His church.  And I can't wait to study the talks and themes of Conference for the next 6 months.  I love the rededication I feel, the goals I always inevitably set, and the Spirit of peace that attends Conference weekend.

I also love the treats.  :)

I try to make at least one treat (sometimes more) to get us through the strangely-(for-us)-timed breaks between sessions.  And yummy meals to boot.  This weekend I bought pudding (a favorite treat around here that I rarely buy), made pumpkin-carrot-chocolate chip cake with a cream cheese frosting, and for dinners made Italian chicken in the crockpot on Saturday and chicken alfredo spaghetti squash tonight.  I was gonna make crab rangoon, too, but I'm just TOO FULL!  Maybe as a mid-week treat.  :)

Please note the jealous puppy in the background.  ;)

I have to doodle while I listen, too, because it helps me focus.  I've been a doodler since high school chemistry.  :)  So here are some of my "masterpieces" from these sessions:

See?  I take NOTES, too.  :)  I AM listening.

I'm apparently into zentangle allasudden.  :)

I was going for something tribal at first with the elephant head, but it failed miserably and I wound up just doodling a little and then quitting before I ruined it any more.  :)

My favorite.  Notice my awesome lettering skills, NO RULER.  Hahaha.  :)

BUT, obviously, Conference is not about doodles or treats.  It's about inspiration and revelation and building testimony.  Here are the most important take-away thoughts from Conference *for me.*  :)

(1) I am SO EXCITED for all youth, but especially for young women, that the age for missionary service was lowered!  I could do a whole post on this, but I won't.  Let me just say that I think it's gonna be a game changer for a lot of women--not because now they'll all go, because it still may not be right for a zillion reasons and a woman needs to be inspired after much prayer to make that decision no matter what age.  But I think it'll change the timeline of life for a lot of women, and help erase the cultural stigma there sometimes is (however unwarranted) about sister missionaries.  It'll make family and education easier for sisters who also want to serve the Lord.  What incredible youth we have, too, can I just say?!  To be entrusted with such sacred work at 18 or 19 years of age.  While part of me is jealous that it didn't happen when I was younger, I know my life has panned out so far the way the Lord wanted for me.  I'm just excited that this opportunity will open more doors for more women and youth in the Church to serve well.  SUCH AN EXCITING TIME IN OUR HISTORY!  :)

(2) I have felt even more strongly that the children in my ward have special gifts to offer our community and our activities should be more service-oriented, in more authentic ways, taking into consideration our children's unique talents and interests.  Ideas?  I'll have to think on it more.  :)  Along that vein, *I* really need to "first observe, then serve" more.  No excuses or cop-outs or half-tries.

(3) I am so excited to try the FHE blog again.  Fresh start.  That's important, right?  :)  And I have some new ideas to make it better and more applicable for families of all shapes and sizes.  Hold on to your hats.  Good things are a-comin'.  :)

(4) I need to journal--legit journal--more!  Definitely a goal, among two other more personal goals I felt impressed to set during Conference that I won't share here.  But I love being inspired on ways to improve myself, my marriage, and our quality of life during Conference!

For those of you who are LDS, what were YOUR favorite parts?  Thoughts about the age limit lowering?  Family traditions related to Conference weekend? 

For those of you who are NOT LDS, I invite you to learn more about the INCREDIBLE gift we have of a modern prophet speaking for Christ in His restored Church by visiting mormon.org.  Or, if you're curious what these prophets and apostles and other leaders of our Church have to say that makes us all so passionate about them, check out their biannual messages at gc.lds.org. 

The weekend was TOO SHORT.  Back to the grindstone...  :)

Who are your scripture heroes?

I have a lot of heroes in the scriptures, for sure, but lately as I've been studying in Alma (in the Book of Mormon) I have really fallen in love with the story of Amulek.  Now THERE is a man who had trials!  There he was, minding his own business--doing well, financially, and having lots of family and friends, being respected by his people...not sinning greatly but not really turning his heart to God, either.  He felt promptings occasionally, but ignored them--which I relate to far better than those that openly rebelled against the Church--until, one day, an angel came and told him to receive the prophet Alma into his house.  His obedience to this set a whole COURSE of events in motion.  He went from being comfortable to leaving his home for a time and preaching the gospel.  That alone must have been kinda scary, especially dealing with the feelings of unworthiness or fear of rejection.  But THEN, he saw the heart-heartedness of his people, who for the most part turned on him--tried to trap him and bore false witness that he had spoken against their laws, burned all those that believed on his and Alma's testimony, imprisoned him and denied him food, water, and clothing...and even when the Lord delivered them, his people were destroyed, the few righteous that escaped now refugees.  It was deserved, but that doesn't mean it was easy for him.  Amulek forsook his gold and silver and precious things and, on faith, followed Alma to Zarahemla.  I love the part in Alma 18:15 where it says, "Now as I said, Alma having seen all these things, therefore he took Amulek and came over to the land of Zarahemla, and took him to his own house, and did administer unto him in his tribulations, and strengthened him in the Lord."  I think he must have needed A LOT of strengthening and comfort after all of that.

I just think that is a LOT for a relatively new convert to experience.  I was thinking about what it would be like to have joined with Alma, hoping to share the message of redemption--which you had just experienced--with all the people you love most in the whole world, and to have them turn on you like that.  To see the few that believed your words consumed by fire and wanting to exercise the power of God against the wicked and spare the righteous, but having the prophet next to you say that he felt constrained not to do it.  To then be imprisoned--naked, hungry, spit upon--for two weeks and to wonder if maybe you'd been better off to never have followed the angel's advice in the first place.  Even with all that I know and all I believe, I have NO IDEA how I'd react in a similar situation. But good ol' Amulek was faithful--sure, he needed strengthening afterwards, but he never once doubted his path, no matter what trials came upon him. 

I guess I had just never really given him much thought in my many readings of the Book of Mormon, other than as a missionary companion to Alma, but this time around I was really impressed by his faith and example, all by himself.  We always think of people like Job, Joseph Smith, or Christ as the ultimate examples of faith through adversity, but I think Amulek is right up there with them for me.  The truth is that it is often when we are on the RIGHT path that our hardest trials come...sometimes as a result of our own choices or living in an imperfect world, sometimes because of the devil's temptations to try and keep us from joining forces with great works and movements of the righteous, and sometimes as tests or chastening or humbling experiences from the Lord.  But no matter what we go through, we can always turn to the Lord and his disciples for strength to carry on in the right path.  I just love that.  :) I love knowing that my trials aren't all punishments and that, in my suffering, I'm in good company.  For some reason I wanted to share it here.

Who are YOUR scripture heroes lately?