Who's ready for a Friday? THIS GIRL!

Quick lil' blog post:

I feel like this week has lasted about a thousand years.  I feel like I could slip into silent slumber for about a thousand more.  It has been a trying week, emotionally and physically, at the school in which I work, and I think everyone around me feels just about the same way.  :) 

• The flu is going around--and kids are germy enough on their own, but when you add special needs into the mix, germs spread like wildfire! 
• I've been fighting off germs of my OWN.  Especially a little dizziness, which makes reading and crafting and watching TV (my usual passtimes) especially unappealing.
• Several teachers have had life-altering crises this week, including the teacher in whose classroom I spend my mornings. We are a tight community and it has been a wonderfully exhausting week of many prayers and miracles, but also of much worrying in between.  And worrying really does wear you out.
• I've been dropping little "surprises" in my birthday buddy's mailbox every day.  This may not seem like a big deal to some but when it's out of your comfort zone and you don't really know the person, it can be exhausting to find things to give each day!
• I've been battling dozens of children who are tired of sitting inside all day (has this winter been EXTRA COLD or is it just me?), sick as a dog (but not a fever or throwing up so they can still come to school), and just incredibly unmotivated to listen to a word any of us "know-nothing grown-ups" say.  I can handle sadness, cluelessness, etc., but flat-out defiance?  Not my favorite thing.  I may have snapped at more than one child this week.
• The teacher I work with in the afternoons had her official observation this week--but I felt like it was a third my own!  The principal came in for about an hour and just went back and forth between watching her and watching me (which could be a good thing since I'm hoping to score a teaching job next year?).  "The Beach" is a fun but stressful place to work at all the time anyway, but this week with evaluations and ISTEP+ and sickness and starting to think about NEXT year in serious terms it has just been a little extra rough.
• My own to-do list has grown EXPONENTIALLY this week, and my motivation these days is inversely proportionate to the length of my to-do list. 

I've even been eating relatively decently, taking my vitamins, drinking plenty of water, and trying to get 8+ hours of sleep at night, but I am still SO TIRED.

The truth is, I am weary.  Which is worse than tired.

I am weary of contention, in all its forms.  I am weary of worrying about what other people think, and just as weary of my own regrets and the consequences when I swing the pendulum to the other side and stop caring altogether about what other people think!  I am weary of routine, as much as I need it.  I am weary of anything that breaks me out of that routine.  I am weary of negativity and sadness and overthinking everything to the point of exhaustion.  I'm weary of pregnancy (not my own, just everyone around me--I'm weary of baby talk!!!).  I'm just incredibly weary of the world right now, and don't really feel like I've found my place in it--and I feel like I SHOULD have by now, as I am almost 30 and still feel like my "real life" hasn't even begun.  I am especially weary of hearing myself say that over and over these last few years--like a broken record that I don't even like but I don't know how to just STOP LISTENING.

I wonder when you feel like a grown-up?  I was told once (half-jokingly) that you had to be 28 before anyone took you seriously as an adult, but I'm past that and still don't even take MYSELF seriously.  Or maybe I take myself TOO seriously.  I don't know.  This is not the life I had envisioned for myself, AT ALL, but it has been absolutely marvelous and a total adventure nonetheless and I don't have a right to complain even for a second. 

Miracles happen, they really do.  I feel incredibly blessed lately to have witnessed several of them, this week and last alone.  I LOVE my job, even if it is trying.  I can't imagine doing anything else right now.  I LOVE my ward.  I might not have a LOT of friends, but the ones I have are REAL and we have lots to celebrate.  I have a great calling in which I get to work with sweet children every week and incredible, devoted women who buoy me up with their friendship and love and validation.  We had a charity auction at our relief society meeting last night and it was SO FUN--they even brought in a professional auctioneer for the event!  I'm learning to be more grateful for the little things, and it helps.  I have seen more BIG miracles this month than the last year combined, which helps a lot, too.  And I have the most FABULOUS, relaxed husband to distract me from myself, which helps most of all. 

But if I happen to sleep in almost all weekend, or start a countdown to spring break even though I have no travel plans, or if I get a little grouchy or a little less done than usual, now you know why, and I hope the people around me will be patient.  This, too, shall pass.