Holiday Blues

Let me preface this post by saying that few people in this world understand better than I do the power of positive thinking. You HAVE to be a positive thinker to survive my wonderful but very broken family, my marvelous but exhausting friends, the amount of hypocrisy and red tape involved in my schooling, the precious but challenging students in my line of work, and really just my life in general. I've been told often (though not lately...) that I'm a positive and forward-looking person, and that's a quality that I'm trying to cultivate again in my life. A series of events has sort of taken it out of me, and I'm not proud about that.

However. There is nothing anywhere that says you have to be happy all the time. In fact, even scripture dictates otherwise. There are times and seasons that are wonderful and times and seasons that are gut-wrenchingly bad and, too often, times right in the middle that seem to come and go without any particular note at all. I'd hardly say that this season is a terrible time, or an in-betweenie. But it certainly isn't wonderful, either.

My dad is having surgery in about a week and a half to have his eye removed. His cancer isn't really getting better, and the medicine makes him SO sick and tired. I'm incredibly grateful that he's still alive and that he's a part of my life, but seeing him suffer is an awful way to spend the holiday season--although it's completely preferable to the alternative. I am SO TERRIFIED that he will die before seeing my wedding. It's selfish, I know, but I want him there. And I want him there for my first child. And my second. And so on.

Actually, it's not entirely selfish. My parents have both had close encounters with death, multiple times. They have also both known more than their fair share of misery and mediocrity in their lives. I want them both to experience something grand and glorious, something that this life alone can offer, before they pass on. I want them to have an experience that changes their entire lives, that makes every moment of sacrifice and pain worth it.

Paul isn't here. Our last holiday season as "singles," and it's frankly boring, dull, and lonely without him. He's my best friend in the whole world and it's strange to be celebrating anything without him by my side. He also FINALLY got the chance to tell his parents about our engagement, and they're...less than thrilled. More like apalled and angry and disappointed all rolled up into one. It's a big party for him...and I don't even get to hold his hand through it. :(

I have been having a few health problems of my own lately. I had a back/hip issue that resulted in my withdrawing from BYU a few years ago, going through physical therapy, that whole bit. Recently, the pains have been returning and I have no idea what to do. I've also had some internal issues that I'm sure you don't care to hear about and am STILL gaining weight, which may very well be my thyroid as my mom suggests but I can't really worry about that right now because I have no insurance and I have a wedding to pay for. And I woke up this morning bleeding out of both nostrils.

I'm terrified. I made the choice to do my student teaching in Chicago, and I'm not as excited about it yet as I'd like to be. But it's for the best, and I believe in my decision. I'm just scared to pieces about all the lives I'm going to screw up...hopefully not...but still...

My brother's...well, if you know anything about my brother, then I need no further explanation.

Every holiday season for years and years has been like this, only worse. I feel like I'm always just holding my breath come November because sometime in the next two months something big and awful is going to happen. And it always does. Then last year, with just starting to date Paul, I was pretty optimistic and didn't have the holiday blues nearly at all. And the bad news waited until after New Year's to creep up, which was a blessing. And now I'm engaged, for crying out loud!!! I should be over this by now.

I just don't understand how Christmas, and really every holiday, just never lives up to what it was in my childhood. I feel worse than blue. I feel numb. I'm afraid to feel anything right now, because I'll just cry like I seem to do at least once a day now. I'm happy, I cry. I'm sad, I cry. I'm angry, I cry. It's insane. Ah, my life...you're crazy, dear reader, for being my friend!