Missing her already...

I'm going to be a 4th grade teacher next year!  I'm so very stoked about it.  I will have a post all about it later.  But even in the gratitude, excitement, and eagerness this summer will inevitably bring, right now I'm just kinda sad.  Because for the last 9 months, I've been hanging out with the coolest 8-year-old ever, and now I won't...even though I still see her at church, it's just not the same. I miss her already, and it's only been 4 days!

Sitting with friends at recess.

This is how I will ALWAYS remember her!

Last day of school--joy!  :)

This year with Katherine has changed me in so many incredible, indescribable ways.  Maybe someday I will find the words and put them down on paper or screen, but for now...while teaching a classroom of my own is a dream come true and will bring its own special stories and changes into my life, there is a big part of me that wishes I could freeze time and just cuddle and learn with this inspiring, loving little girl forever...or even just one more day!

Some Primary Chorister Ideas

So, I don't remember if I mentioned this, but I got released as secretary for primary and instead am now the CHORISTER! I've only done it two weeks, but I have to say, it's probably already my favorite calling ever.  Less planning than when we were teachers, more interacting with the kids than activity days or secretary, less stress than any sort of leadership position, and yet I still get to be in primary, singing and moving with children as they learn the songs and hymns that will likely be the only thing they really remember from primary, anyway!  And with me loving kids, music, and creating fun things (or finding fun things that OTHERS have created), it's kinda perfect for me right now.

I of course had a few things to do to get ready, though.  First of all, I think it's really important to have the year planned out ASAP.  Yes, the YEAR.  There is so much to learn in so little time, and between conferences and holidays there are lots of "breaks" or extra songs to learn on top of it all...so it's important to me to have long-range plans and a vision of where you want to go.  Also, it just seems fair to the pianist and secretary.  :)  So I came up with the year-at-a-glance...since I didn't get called until mid-May, the document is only two pages long (it would likely be three or four otherwise)...which fits perfectly into my planner.  Organization is the key to success in everything!  I'm linking below two links--one is just the generic binder cover (which is really just black and white but it has cute musical fonts to make it fun), and one is my yearly planner.  If it'll help anyone to have it out there, here it is.  :)

BINDER COVER (.pdf)
YEARLY PLANNER (.docx)

Then it was time to move on to wiggle songs.  I hate wasting time waiting on kids to decide what our next action should be, so I found a really cute link via Pinterest to Susan Fitch's site, which has some REALLY CUTE activity cards for "Do As I'm Doing."  It inspired me.  So I made up some other (very much LESS cute, but still fun and quite usable) cards for "Fun to Do" and "If You're Happy and You Know It."  Links below each picture...they each print out as a 4" x 6", to be cut either in half or fourths...'cause that's how I roll.  :)

FUN TO DO:

FUN TO DO 1

FUN TO DO 2

FUN TO DO 3

FUN TO DO 4

FUN TO DO 5

FUN TO DO 6

IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT:

HAPPY 1

HAPPY 2

HAPPY 3

HAPPY 4

As I started thinking back to some of MY favorite primary choristers and the fun activities they planned, some of the goals (behavior, musical, spiritual) that I had for my primary kiddos, and all the many ideas that abound online, here are some of the ones that are easier to share.  :)  I know I will have lots more as the year rolls on, but these were some of the ideas I wanted to use right away.

"EYES ON ME"

This is a basket of dollar-store glasses that I (and eventually the kiddos, once I teach them how to conduct) can use just as a simple reminder to keep their "eyes on me" as we practice.  Pretty goofy and fun.

"SILLY HATS"
The simple genius of having silly hats in primary cannot be understated!  In 20 minutes, our primary was TRANSFORMED into a choir of angels using just these hats as a motivator!  (I had a big sombrero, too...but I guess I don't have a picture of it.)  I had some "helpers" from primary leadership come up and help me...as I conducted the children in singing, they judged each class, and whoever's class was singing the best (EVERYONE singing loudly [but never louder than lovely], smiling, sitting up straight, etc.) earned the hat for their teacher for the next round.  Those juniors especially tried SO HARD to get those hats back when their teachers lost them!  :)  No real prep work and yet they LOVED it.

"HIDE THE NOTES"/"HOT AND COLD" (and a few other odds and ends :)
Of course, I think everyone played some version of the "hot and cold" in primary.  :)  So the music notes, which I will laminate, are to hide.  But instead of everyone watching the kids who are hunting down the notes, I'm going to have them learn to watch ME and follow my dynamics using chorister motions.  The ears and mouth are for if I can't hear kids or to remind them to smile (it'll come in handy more when we're practicing for the program, I think).

A COUPLE OF POSTERS:

This one is something akin to what my chorister did for us when we were kids.  It's just a simple thermometer that moves up and down (it's thick string, looped) so you can kind of gauge kids on how well they are doing...I think I'm going to have my "judges" use this more as we get closer to the program, as well.

 
This one, what I so cleverly call the "circle game," :) is just a bunch of different ways to sing the song--clapping the beat, holding your tongue, boys vs. girls, staccato, opera, etc.  The idea is to have a magnet for each song or verse you're working on, blindfold a kid, and have them "pin the tail on the donkey," so to speak.  I've used some version of this before as a sub and it worked out well enough to incorporate it once a month or on 5th Sundays when we're reviewing everything!

CRAZY CONDUCTORS:
The last little bit of prep work so far involved what I call my "crazy conductors."  One simple goal I have for our kids, musically speaking, is for everyone to be able to feel the beat of church songs enough to conduct them correctly.  So I'm going to give them lots of practice helping me conduct as they learn the songs well.  Those children who seem to be trying their best to learn the songs and sing them reverently will be my "helpers"--they'll pick a crazy conductor (and some glasses) and lead their friends in the music (following me, still).  Hopefully by the end of the month everyone will have had a turn!

Maestro, my baby elephant, is just a sock hot glued onto a painted  canvas (I cut the hole out with a steak knife!).  She's awfully cute, even if I'm not the world's best artist, huh?  :)  

The rest of my "crazy conductors" fit into a vase--pom poms, clappers, fairy wands, teacher pointers, a loofa/back scrubber, salad tongs, and even a light saber!

I think that's about it for now.  In a few weeks I'll have more, I'm sure.  :)  Hope this helps someone, somewhere, somehow.  :)

Blessed

It is a good time.  :)

Between finding a teaching job for next year (4th grade!), getting a fun new calling (Primary Chorister!), celebrating Mother's Day AND an anniversary (with an IPAD, Paul spoils me...AND a trip to Sybaris this weekend!)...I think last week and this pretty much ROCK.  And the cherry on top, the icing on the cake?  My little sister got engaged yesterday!  WOOHOO!

I love these moments, and have to remember that they *happen.*  Sometimes life is just really good.  Even when our heart is still aching for righteous desires--the waiting doesn't have to be long and solemn.  There are things to celebrate and several "highs" interspersed between all the "lows." 

I'm grateful for that!

Emotions

This week has been so full of emotion.

I had TWO second interviews this week, at both elementary schools in the district I currently work in.  So there was a lot of anxiety, excitement, regret, and feeling an incredible amount of support from coworkers, friends, family, and especially the Lord.

Katherine has had a few major breakthroughs in her ability to communicate.  So add in some breathless gratitude, awe, joy, humility, and empowerment.  In big ways!

I have been SO sleep deprived!  So there has been some exhaustion and weepiness for no good reason, and the overwhelming desire to just be LAZY!

And I'm always either *really* hungry or REALLY NOT. 

But in less than a week I'll know about my future with WLCSC and be able to move on from there.  Which gives me plenty of time to worry about whatever the next steps are.  So today, I rest.  :)

National Infertility Awareness Week

Someday I will be a great warrior for the things I feel passionate about.  This week especially has been more about keeping my head above water and avoiding things that bring me down--like Facebook.  But while that has had its advantages, it's also meant missing out on occasionally cool things, like National Infertility Awareness Week.  It ends today, so I guess I haven't missed the boat COMPLETELY, but I would have loved to have been sharing all week long my thoughts and links that buoy me as a quiet crusador for greater understanding and compassion in this little corner of the world.

Infertility is still a personal daily struggle, and that's a fact I deny--even to myself many days.  I try to focus on all the things I *can* do right now, unencumbered by small children.  But, inevitably, there are "those moments" that bring it all back in a quick slap to the face and remind me of the *reality* we face daily.

Like earlier this week.  Baby talk is frequent in the teacher's lounge, and as long as I have something else to do while I listen I can handle it.  I'm more an observer by nature than anything, so I often just enjoy the conversations of others without having to get dragged into them. While it doesn't make me the most exciting person to talk to, my sincerity when I *do* speak and my listening ears are some of my strengths, so I'm okay with that.  But what do you do--what do you say--when a coworker turns the tables of conversation to you, and asks the DREADED question--"So, when are YOU going to start having babies?" and it's all you can do not to cry and make things even MORE awkward in that breathless beat of a moment?

Here's what I usually do.

(1) Avoid the question entirely.  Smile, shrug, and then change the subject.
(2) Reply with, "Whenever we can," or "Whenever the Lord lets me," then look down because of the shame of it--not even knowing really WHY it feels shameful.
(3) Pretend that my inability to bear children is NOT at the forefront of my mind day and night, laugh the question off as absurd and make a comment suggesting it's "not the right time financially" or something silly and outright UNTRUE to my feelings.

Then there is this week, where I paused awkwardly and then did all three.  *Facepalm.*

The truth is, people, INFERTILITY SUCKS.  It just sucks. 

The truth is, we've just finished year 3 of helplessness and despair in our unfulfilled desires (which is MINISCULE compared to some of my friends, I know, but my 3 years are not any less painful than their 7 or 12), and there are days I can barely breathe from the weight of the loneliness, disappointment, guilt, self-loathing, worry, more guilt, loss of faith, struggles with marital intimacy, struggles with others, etc.  We have sort of stopped trying for the time being, because the emotional toll is SO TERRIBLY GREAT and unless you've been there you really can't understand or judge.  Truthfully, while I am incredibly excited about some of the other avenues my life is taking in the near future, the sting of infertility never really leaves.  And, according to most people I know, it never really will, regardless of what my miracle turns out to be.

For those who really want to know, I am not financially ready to adopt.  I am not emotionally ready to turn to the invasive options of drugs, surgeries, etc.  While I am taking the small steps to BE ready for these things--including getting healthier in every sense of the word--right now I am just trying to focus on all that is GOOD in my life--because there is SO MUCH GOOD and

I AM NOT MY INFERTILITY.

Like every struggle in life, it is part of what defines me but it is NOT ME. 

I am quiet.
I am pensive.
I am passionate.
I am a reader, a writer, an artist, a musician.
I am a friend, a sister, a wife, a daughter, an aunt.
I am a student, a teacher, a secretary, a nurse to sick puppies.
I am an emotional being, however deeply those emotions may be hidden at times from the rest of the world.
I am craving good, clean humor and fun.
And chocolate.  All the time, chocolate.
I am world-weary.
I am a dreamer.
I am a firm believer in second chances, in compassion, in succoring the ONE, and the power of people to do good things.
I am going on to do great things.

I am also, coincidentally, infertile.
I am heartbroken.
I am left out--especially in a church that has so much focus on family and parenting.
I am harder on myself than ever.  And that's saying something.
I am lonely.  It's a hard battle always, but it's extra hard for the soft-hearted and soft-spoken.
I am tired.
I am jealous.
I am bitter (but hopefully not TOO much so).

I am more compassionate and less judgmental because of my infertility.
I am more able to focus on others every day.
I am more able to appreciate especially the nature, potential, and incredible value of each child I work with.
I am able to see greater potential in the future, because there are still SO many options and so many good things to do while we are waiting.
I am more patient in suffering.
I am closer to my husband, he having quietly suffered right along with me all these years.
I am in good company, with several scriptural women as well as part of a community of couples--a "club" almost--that inspires, supports, and strengthens me.
I am not alone.

And I am grateful.

More Paint.net Fun :)

From a Clue Night pic to Uncle Sam :)

From an Easter Silly String Fight to JEDIS!

An oldie but a goodie--I managed to "photoshop" OUT her dad, and IN Derek Jeter AND Justin Bieber.  Inside joke.  ;)  It was my birthday gift to her.  :)

This is what I do when I'm avoiding all the IMPORTANT things I have to do.  :P

Some little food things.

I've learned that broiling fish is my favorite/easiest way to cook fish and still like it.  I like it grilled, but not if they're thin fillets on an indoor/kitchen grill--they fall apart too easily.  Broiling is simpler and less messy.  Just rub in a LITTLE oil, add seasonings, and broil for about 5 minutes on both sides (10, and farther away from broiler, if frozen), and when it's flaking with a fork it's done.  I've really learned to love fish in the last couple of months.

I have also been experimenting with boiling eggs, which is funny since we don't eat eggs much (allergies, and all that).  But sometimes it's nice to know these things.  Here are some tips:
1. If you bring the water and eggs to a boil, then TURN OFF THE HEAT and let it all steam for about 10 minutes, the egg yolk doesn't turn all green and weird.  It's actually a lovely egg.
2.  If you poke a small hole in the large end of the egg with a thumbtack before boiling (which isn't as easy as it sounds, but it was okay), the shell comes off much more easily.
3. With egg dying, the easiest way to still be pretty is to use food coloring with just the tiniest bit of vinegar in a coffee mug.  (Really DO use a mug, I did a few in other similar bowls but they reacted weirdly and I have no idea why, but they ate through the egg shells a little bit.  :)  Anywho, to make an ombre egg in each color, just put a lot of food coloring with the water, leave it for 10 minutes, then fill the mug up a little more with a little more water, leave it for 10 MORE minutes, etc.  After 30 to 40 minutes, rinse the eggs in cold water and let dry on paper towels.  Lovely.  :)

Lastly, chimichurri sauce.  This herbal magical wonder is DELICIOUS on grilled meats of all kinds--I love it most of all on steaks, but we've done chicken and pork and enjoyed them just as much.  We've also played with the parsley-cilantro ratios and enjoyed a slightly more cilantro-ey version a little better.  But experiment!  This is a South American condiment and you can use it a LOT, as a bread dip (mix with a little more oil) or just on meats like us.  :)

CHIMICHURRI SAUCE:
1 c. fresh parsley
1/2 c. fresh cilantro
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 oz water
1 Tbsp red wine vinegar
2 tsp. olive oil
1 tsp. lemon juice
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 pepper

Blend on high, pulsing, until a smooth but thick sauce is formed. 

The picture above has chicken covered with chimichurri sauce, served with tri-colored peppers.  Delicious!

Grilled Salmon with Avocado-lime "salsa" (WW 10+ Points)

This was delicious in every way--summery, a little spicy, but true to the natural tastes of the food and the avocado really cut the bite out of it all.  Definitely going to be making this one again.  And fried plantains!  I ate SO MANY of them.  They aren't included in the point count, sadly, but they are well-worth a little frying up as a side.  But eat them fresh...they don't reheat well.  AT ALL.  Lesson learned.

INGREDIENTS
1 pound uncooked salmon fillets
2 Tbsp. olive oil

RUB:
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. ground coriander
1 tsp. ground cumin
1 tsp. paprika
1 tsp. onion powder
1 tsp. black pepper

DRESSING:
2 Tbsp. olive oil
1 tsp. salt
1 avocado
1 small red onion, sliced thin
2 small jalapeno peppers, seeded and diced (can use any small peppers)
4 Tbsp. fresh lime juice (about 2 limes)
1/4 c. cilantro, finely chopped

DIRECTIONS
1. Mix spices together; rub oil on salmon and rub mix in; refrigerate at least 30 minutes.
2. Preheat grill.
3. Combine avocado, onion, peppers, cilantro, lime juice, oil, and salt, and chill until ready to use.
4. Grill salmon to desired doneness.
5. Top with salsa.  Serve with rice, plantains, etc.

Crockpot Ham and Beans (WW 6+ Points)

Served with honey-drizzled cornbread, ham and beans are cheap dining at its finest.  It doesn't look like much, especially in this picture of leftovers a few days later, but the taste more than makes up for it.  I think it's the cloves.  :)  I really enjoyed my first EVER attempt at using dry beans.  I'll definitely be doing this one again.  :)

INGREDIENTS
1 lb. dry white beans (I used pinto from our food storage), soaked overnight, rinsed, and drained
3 cloves garlic, sliced
1 large yellow onion, chopped
1/4 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. pepper
1 Tbsp. fresh parsley
1 lb. cooked, smoked lean ham, chopped into bite-sized pieces
6 c. water, or broth (I used a combination, 3 c. broth and 3 c. water)

Just put all ingredients in a crockpot and cook on low for 8 hours!  Serves at LEAST 8, although I think it was more like 10 or 12...so the point count might actually be even lower.  So eat an extra piece of cornbread, guilt-free.  :)

Mango Chicken Spinach Salad (WW 6+ Points)

It was the vinaigrette that really made this salad special--mango, curry, and other yummy things that I never would have paired on my own!

The salad base is just spinach, grilled chicken, and mango.  Cook the chicken in a little broth on the stove, covered, until cooked through.  Allow to cool before cutting; this will give you some nice, juicy chicken.  The dressing is the following all mixed up together--pour over the salad and toss to coat.  Serves 4, with about 2 cups per serving.  Enjoy!

Mango-Curry Vinaigrette
1/3 c. mango nectar (I didn't know what this was, but I happened to have some mango-ey orange juice so I used that, and it turned out just fine. :)
2 tsp. honey mustard (again, I didn't have that, but I did have dijon, so I used it and it still worked out fine)
1/2 tsp. curry powder
1 Tbsp White wine vinegar
1 tsp. olive oil
1/4 tsp. pepper
1/4 tsp. salt