Stressed-dessertS

You know that quote that stressed is desserts spelled backwards?  It's doubly true in my world.  I have been so stressed out and flat-out ANGRY these last few days, and all I want to do is eat brownies so sugary I should've slipped into a coma by now.  I've probably gained back any weight I lost these last two weeks just by my eating habits these last two days.  I want to yell at someone...a few someones, actually...and I sublimate those angry streaks into a voracious appetite for all things unhealthy.  Not just food, but lounging around on my couch in my robe for two days straight. 

I know I said all those things I wanted to do this week, but I think my REAL problem is that I don't know how to handle stress in any healthy way.  I mean, I've studied enough to *know* them, but none of them work FOR ME.  My weight and health are absolutely tied to my mood and my mental state of being, which is probably how I got so big these last few years.  I've yelled at the air all evening.  I can only cry now.  Today is NOT a good day.

Biggest Loser, Week 3!

I pretty much failed at all my goals last week (but, thanks to a change in diet, at least I still lost a couple pounds!).  So, this week I've got the same goals as before: only have dessert two days, Wii Fit for 300 calories, and a 30-minute walk daily with Obi.  *sigh*  I have all day to myself to do pretty much whatever I want, but it's still SOOOOOO hard for me to get motivated!  I could use some perspective or bigger motivation.  All I ever want to do is watch stuff on Netflix and cuddle with Paul when he's home.

Small Victories!

I was so proud of myself last night.  Every Tuesday I have dinner with my mom and sister.  We all love dessert.  But despite several options at Mom's house and both of them trying to talk me into eating "just one" cookie or ice cream bar, I resisted!  (And that was no small feat!)  GO ME!

Hunger Games :)

I'm not actually going to talk about the book trilogy, sorry...although I suppose I will be referencing them a bit. :)

As I mentioned earlier, I'm participating in a "biggest loser" competition.  This is week 2 of 16.  The sad truth is, I'm already losing steam.  I find myself distracted and much more easily amused by other things than exercise...even if it IS Wii Fit games.  Being sick later last week didn't help matters much--I just curl up with a book on the couch and read or watch Netflix all day long when that happens.  I've been eating well, though.  Oatmeal for breakfast every day and mostly fruits and veggies throughout the day in small portions (except whatever main course I make for dinner, but I've not helped myself to seconds.  Also, only a cup of pudding and a bite-sized piece of chocolate all week for dessert!  Go me!).

ANYWHO, today is a "hollow day."  Nothing I eat satisfies me.  Usually I nibble on a few stalks of celery sticks, a small bowl of salad, a piece of fruit, or maybe some yogurt with frozen fruit throughout the day, but today I've been craving meat and carbs like CRAZY.  I had my usual oatmeal this morning, but then when I went to eat salad it was all bad (doesn't keep well in the fridge for long).  Our celery isn't great, either.  So I reheated a cup of tomato juice and ate it as soup (I'm diggin' that lately) and then reheated half a grilled chicken breast, shredding it and putting it on bread.  That lasted me a few hours.  Then I had an instant breakfast.  Then I had a bowl of cereal.  Still hungry!!!  But I haven't even made dinner yet.  And tonight's dinner (brown rice and black beans with Mexican corn) isn't the best, either. 

Between the hollow day and the complete and utter lack of motivation to MOVE, I'm not having the best week ever.  And it's only MONDAY!

GRRRR...:(

Health Care

I weighed in this morning at 200.2 pounds!  That's not too shabby, although I know our weight fluctuates daily anyway so I'm not going to get TOO excited...but to "lose" 1.8 pounds in 4 days?  Yeah, I'm feeling good.  And the exercise on the Wii has been a nice energy boost this week, even if being sick has counteracted that...so I feel pretty normal overall.  :)  Mostly, I'm excited to see *some* progress, because it motivates me more to keep it up! 

Next week's additional goal: take Obsidian for a half hour walk every day.  This is on top of the Wii and "no seconds" rule from last week.  :)

On a related note...

I'm not educated enough to really understand all the aspects of our health care system or ensuing debate, but occasionally I feel I have to rebut one side or the other of the argument.  As my mind has been focused on health this week, it seemed appropriate.  :)  This morning I read on several facebook friends' walls a note from a doctor to the President or Congress or someone equally important about how unfair it is to pay for the healthcare of those who abuse their bodies and abuse the systems in place...those who spend money on tattoos, fast food, smoking a pack a day, wearing high-end shoes and chatting on brand new cell phones and other "luxuries and vices" and still wind up on Medicaid.  He stated that we have a "culture crisis" rather than a "health care crisis" and that our nation's health care difficulties would disappear once we stopped rewarding irresponsibility and dependency.  It was a powerful letter, and it made a lot of sense.  I've seen, my family has seen, many who abuse the systems our government has in place and make it that much more difficult for those who really need those systems to obtain them.  I'm all for better education, higher accountability, and conditions or stipulations that have to be met before help is offered.

But what of those who genuinely are trying?  And where do they draw the line?  How much "luxury" is too much?  What of those who, like Paul and I, are just starting out and working at jobs whose health care packages are nonexistent or completely unaffordable?  Sure, we overspend at times, but even if we saved every cent that didn't go to bills we could not afford any health care plan out there that is worth having.  I'm excited to get pregnant so I can qualify for Medicaid.  Maybe then I can get my thyroid checked out?  I don't think completely-free-for-everyone healthcare is the solution to any crisis in our country, whatever you call it, but I have to stick up for the little guys that DO need free, QUALITY health care and programs that reward those who aren't drug-dependent, or reliant on smoking and tobacco, or permiscuous and having 2-3 kids as teens, to get us through the day.  To wish it away by education and discontinuing free services is, in my opinion, oversimplifying a very complex issue.  It's certainly a valuable insight and a moving opinion, but it is not the whole story.  I have no solution to offer myself, though, so maybe my argument doesn't matter much in the end.

Just something to chew on this weekend.  :)  Happy Friday!

I WANT TO EXPLODE!!!!!!

That is all.

KSKFL:JIL:JSJ:J!!!!

So, I just wrote a nice, lengthy post about my experience yesterday as my first day in a friendly BIGGEST LOSER competition, when for some reason my mousepad deleted everything.  I hate this laptop.  Now I'm upset.  So you're getting the abbreviated version.

I have until New Year's Day to lose as much weight as I can (in a healthy, steady pace so I don't rebound back!).  I'm 202 pounds.  Yikes!  That's 50 pounds more than I was when I had my hip injury.  Between my hip problems and my thyroid, there are some things I just can't do.  But between my funky diet and my not-at-all-stable sleep schedule and my total lack of exercise, there are some things that I certainly CAN do.  And that's what I'm focusing on.  :)  Plus, with 13 other people to be accountable to, and with each of them pitching in $10 to the winner, I've got a little extra motivation!

Each week, I'm setting a small goal to help lead me to a healthier lifestyle.  It makes more sense to me than trying to change everything about my life all at once, and it'll stick better, too...this week, I'm playing on the Wii Fit we got last Christmas until I burn 300 calories each day.  I'm also not allowing myself seconds at the dinner table and I'm only making dessert twice this week (sadly, that is an improvement!). 

Yesterday was rough, though.  Being overwhelmed by the prospect of changes, and the soreness from that crazy rhythm boxing and super hula hooping, and being sick as a dog at night as I have been every night for the last week (migraine-related nausea, a strange trend this week I can't seem to get rid of by sleeping, eating, stretching, or hydrating, but it only comes at night)...I pretty much wanted to give up last night.  Maybe even die a little.  After one day.  Sad.  But I slept REALLY well and every morning is new, and I feel fine right now (except a little sore, but you'll have that!).  I decided I will write and journal as much as I can about this EPIC weight-loss journey because there is SOOOOO much more involved in it than what I do.  I have issues surrounding and inside and zig zagging all over this WEIGHT business, and they are just as important as what I do (or don't) in this struggle.  

So, welcome to my journey.

Just some really long-winded, random thoughts...

Lately I've been feeling kinda crazy.  Depressed one minute, exhausted the next, elated not too long later...just conflicting in every way.  And being at home all day doesn't help matters much, because I have WAY too much free time on my hands, time which I usually use to procrastinate housework and think random thoughts.  And since I have no friends here to talk to (besides Paul, but he's sleeping and we've talked about all of this, anyway), I'm going to blog a bit because I sometimes turn this family journal into a travel log...but our lives are so much more than what we DO.

Speaking of what we do, or don't do, my greatest conflicting emotions revolve around work.  I am still waiting for my teaching license to show up in the mail (they've taken the money out of my bank account, so I'd better get it eventually!!!).  I love teaching.  Period.  I am really good at it, which I don't say often about myself in anything but in this one thing it is true.  Reading the statuses of my friends who graduated with me and are teaching now, I feel an intense jealousy of their freedom to go wherever and their jobs, the impact they are having on the future.  I want that.

The next moment, however, I see statuses from stay-at-hom moms whose kids are at various stages in their lives, and I am jealous of THEM, too.  Paul and I have been trying for babies since pretty much we were married (minus a few months, because I couldn't afford to have a baby in the middle of student teaching!).  But, unlike everyone else in my family, I apparently struggle somehow with making babies.  We have no insurance, so I have no idea why, or when we'll ever figure it out, but let's just say that until the last month or so we genuinely thought that I'd be pregnant by now and wouldn't have to WORK to have something to do with my time.  I guess the Lord has different plans for us.  Maybe.  I don't know how much hope to hold on to and how much to "let go and let God," so part of me wants to move on and do SOMETHING and part of me wants to just hold on to that hope and wait just a little longer...maybe next month, I keep telling myself. 

Everyone wants me to work.  They try to find me jobs.  They try to find Paul a better one. I appreciate their love and concern, I really do.  But I don't want a full-time job.  Not right now.  I want at most to sub a few days a week and volunteer a bit and wait--if that.  Hope a little longer.  Not sure if I'm lazy, scared, or inspired.  Maybe that sounds pathetic, but it feels right.  At least, in my most sane and spiritual moments it does...and I've decided to go with that over my jealous facebook/blog moments.

MOVING ON...

I'm not too open about my political views because no one ever wants to change them, so why argue about it?  But I will say this, that when we allow so-called "freedom" of speech to protect threatening, hateful gestures by ignorant, vengeful people (such as the Qur'an burning or this ridiculous argument about a mosque at the ground zero site--really?!), I have little hope for America's future.  Where do you draw the line, people?  Personally, I think having your own opinions and beliefs is a wonderful, freeing thing--but building your life around discrediting another's opinions and beliefs and skewing facts to feed your bitterness is not only draining and a waste of precious, limited time and resources--it's pathetic and sad.  So I'm not thinking about it anymore, and maybe you should find a more productive way to spend your time, as well.

OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS

My grandmother got really excited, when I got engaged, to send me this china set that she's supposedly had since her own wedding in 1955.  My mom never saw it, and I never heard about it until my engagement, but what does that matter?  :)  Anyway, she finally got the means to send it to me in two large boxes.  The pattern is called "Celeste," and was produced from 1955-1970, so there may be some truth to my grandmother's claims.  At home, we all kind of laugh about it because my grandmother and I aren't really close (I've seen her a handful of times in my life) and her excitement about this china that we had no clue existed seemed a little over the top.  But I actually really love it.  I love the delicate, subtle pattern (just google image Syracuse "Celeste" china pattern), but I love even more that it came from her.  We don't do heirloom stuff in my family, and I have very few ties to extended family or stories of their lives.  This makes me feel a little more in touch with my heritage, more "normal".  As I was washing them yesterday I kept thinking about how simple and precious this was, and I thought about those early Saints who had china that meant even MORE to them and they had to crush it up, and my heart crushed a little in the thought.

Someone at church found out I like arts and crafts, and now I'm on the hunt for easy, cheap, but cute Christmas cards to make for our enrichment meeting in November.  I have a few ideas, but if any of you reading this far down a pointless post have a card you're in love with, feel free to share!

I'm starting a biggest loser-type competition.  I've got 3-4 friends so far interested, and I'm going to keep at it until the weekend. It'll go 'til New Year's Day.  I've gotten HUGE and it's part of the problem in my social life and even my marital one, so I'm pretty motivated to make some lifestyle changes already--but having a few friends to keep me accountable and whatnot is even better.

I have a really hard time making new friends.  It's true.  I'm shy(er) than I used to be.  I feel like with my almost bipolarness these days I'm unstable around people for a lengthy period of time, and I don't feel very confident in what I have to offer anyone.  I don't do anything worth talking about.  I don't make small talk well.  I'd rather just be with kids.  I love my ward, but I miss having close friends at church who made me want to be there.  (Not that I need social reasons to go!  It's just extra nice to feel wanted when you're there and missed when you aren't...)  I understand you have to reach out of your comfort zone to do this, but that doesn't mean reaching out guarantees a social fix.  In fact, lately, when I've gone to various social events, I've felt that much MORE friendless, because these people see each other every day and I am the outsider that shows up for enrichment or a dinner date, etc....

I'll live.

I've been feeling lately like Paul and I need a BIG CHANGE.  Like a fresh start at a "real" job somewhere across the country...not that we could afford moving right now anyway, and we really are hoping that we'll still magically overcome whatever fertility issues we're having and get pregnant and need my mommy around...but still.  We both feel like we've reached a plateau here and are just in limbo until something happens TO us...but I want to be the kind of person that MAKES something happen.  More internal conflict...

I recently read "Mockingjay," the third and final book in the Hunger Games series, and I loved it.  I love the whole series.  A lot a lot.  It's got a lot of violence, so I never recommend it to others, but I personally enjoyed it a TON.  Maybe that makes me a bad person.  Whatev.

Psych = happiness.  Can't wait 'til November!  And Bones starts in two weeks.  That's something.

I've started DIGITAL scrapbooking.  I'm torn between "real" and digital...they both have their pros and cons.  But it's still kinda fun.  If you're interested, check out some of the pages here.  (WARNING: They really aren't that good...I'm still getting the hang of Paint.net, and I haven't been too inspired about page layouts, either.  You can just deal.)  :)

I have many more thoughts tumbling around in my skull, but I'm getting tired.  (I only sleep 5-6 hours a night, which is ridiculous since I am not working NOR tending children, so I could sleep as much as my body will allow).  I'm off to eat breakfast and plan for a day of actually DOING something, so here's to today.  And to you, faithful reader, for lasting this long inside my head.  :)

Kindergarten Fundraiser!

Okay, I know so few people read this blog that it may be pointless AND tacky to put in a plug for my niece's kindergarten fundraiser, but...I don't really care.  She's only got a little more time until the online sale is over, and while I KNOW everything on this site is kinda pricey, even *I* could swing a $5 "sale" gift.  Especially check out some of the great Christmas stuff--you could get some holiday shopping in early!  And all the proceeds go to a GREAT cause, her kindergarten classroom!  Go HERE: http://www.teamschoolfundraiser.com/cart/index.lasso?id=369

I remember how disappointed I felt after every fundraiser we ever had...trying to compete with all the neighborhood kids and share the market with my not-too-younger siblings meant at MOST I had three or four people buy a couple of candy bars.  I don't want my niece to feel the same way.  This fundraiser is MUCH more versatile, and MUCH MUCH more convenient because it ships to your home (so you know no one'll forget to give your loot to you).  It's safer than having kids walk the streets, and you can do it at your leisure.  But don't wait TOO long, because I don't think it lasts much longer!!!

New Everything in New York City!

We got to take Emilie (Paul's little sis) to get settled in at Pace University in Manhattan!  It was a whirlwind trip (we drove there, got her set up, and drove back in four days...impressed?  So were we!)  Unfortunately, my camera died and because of Paul's having to be home for work, we didn't really end up going sightseeing, anyway.  Just enough to whet our appetites and want to go back to visit her once she knows where everything is!  (Spring Break?)  We had a remarkably safe and relaxed trip, there AND back.  And we are SO proud of Emilie for sticking to her dreams and going to college in the Big Apple!

Emilie, obviously thrilled with the idea of unpacking.

Emilie's Corner of her dorm room...cute, right?  Bunk bed, so she gets her own little closet and desk in her own personal space!

Proud to be at PACE!

Sad to say goodbye...

Driving by the Brooklyn Bridge.

Big ships...Paul likes those!

And Wall Street.

Not pictured are the world trade center ground zero sight, which we walked by and which isn't too far at all from her dorm, and the Statue of Liberty, which we saw from a distance.