Just some really long-winded, random thoughts...

Lately I've been feeling kinda crazy.  Depressed one minute, exhausted the next, elated not too long later...just conflicting in every way.  And being at home all day doesn't help matters much, because I have WAY too much free time on my hands, time which I usually use to procrastinate housework and think random thoughts.  And since I have no friends here to talk to (besides Paul, but he's sleeping and we've talked about all of this, anyway), I'm going to blog a bit because I sometimes turn this family journal into a travel log...but our lives are so much more than what we DO.

Speaking of what we do, or don't do, my greatest conflicting emotions revolve around work.  I am still waiting for my teaching license to show up in the mail (they've taken the money out of my bank account, so I'd better get it eventually!!!).  I love teaching.  Period.  I am really good at it, which I don't say often about myself in anything but in this one thing it is true.  Reading the statuses of my friends who graduated with me and are teaching now, I feel an intense jealousy of their freedom to go wherever and their jobs, the impact they are having on the future.  I want that.

The next moment, however, I see statuses from stay-at-hom moms whose kids are at various stages in their lives, and I am jealous of THEM, too.  Paul and I have been trying for babies since pretty much we were married (minus a few months, because I couldn't afford to have a baby in the middle of student teaching!).  But, unlike everyone else in my family, I apparently struggle somehow with making babies.  We have no insurance, so I have no idea why, or when we'll ever figure it out, but let's just say that until the last month or so we genuinely thought that I'd be pregnant by now and wouldn't have to WORK to have something to do with my time.  I guess the Lord has different plans for us.  Maybe.  I don't know how much hope to hold on to and how much to "let go and let God," so part of me wants to move on and do SOMETHING and part of me wants to just hold on to that hope and wait just a little longer...maybe next month, I keep telling myself. 

Everyone wants me to work.  They try to find me jobs.  They try to find Paul a better one. I appreciate their love and concern, I really do.  But I don't want a full-time job.  Not right now.  I want at most to sub a few days a week and volunteer a bit and wait--if that.  Hope a little longer.  Not sure if I'm lazy, scared, or inspired.  Maybe that sounds pathetic, but it feels right.  At least, in my most sane and spiritual moments it does...and I've decided to go with that over my jealous facebook/blog moments.

MOVING ON...

I'm not too open about my political views because no one ever wants to change them, so why argue about it?  But I will say this, that when we allow so-called "freedom" of speech to protect threatening, hateful gestures by ignorant, vengeful people (such as the Qur'an burning or this ridiculous argument about a mosque at the ground zero site--really?!), I have little hope for America's future.  Where do you draw the line, people?  Personally, I think having your own opinions and beliefs is a wonderful, freeing thing--but building your life around discrediting another's opinions and beliefs and skewing facts to feed your bitterness is not only draining and a waste of precious, limited time and resources--it's pathetic and sad.  So I'm not thinking about it anymore, and maybe you should find a more productive way to spend your time, as well.

OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS

My grandmother got really excited, when I got engaged, to send me this china set that she's supposedly had since her own wedding in 1955.  My mom never saw it, and I never heard about it until my engagement, but what does that matter?  :)  Anyway, she finally got the means to send it to me in two large boxes.  The pattern is called "Celeste," and was produced from 1955-1970, so there may be some truth to my grandmother's claims.  At home, we all kind of laugh about it because my grandmother and I aren't really close (I've seen her a handful of times in my life) and her excitement about this china that we had no clue existed seemed a little over the top.  But I actually really love it.  I love the delicate, subtle pattern (just google image Syracuse "Celeste" china pattern), but I love even more that it came from her.  We don't do heirloom stuff in my family, and I have very few ties to extended family or stories of their lives.  This makes me feel a little more in touch with my heritage, more "normal".  As I was washing them yesterday I kept thinking about how simple and precious this was, and I thought about those early Saints who had china that meant even MORE to them and they had to crush it up, and my heart crushed a little in the thought.

Someone at church found out I like arts and crafts, and now I'm on the hunt for easy, cheap, but cute Christmas cards to make for our enrichment meeting in November.  I have a few ideas, but if any of you reading this far down a pointless post have a card you're in love with, feel free to share!

I'm starting a biggest loser-type competition.  I've got 3-4 friends so far interested, and I'm going to keep at it until the weekend. It'll go 'til New Year's Day.  I've gotten HUGE and it's part of the problem in my social life and even my marital one, so I'm pretty motivated to make some lifestyle changes already--but having a few friends to keep me accountable and whatnot is even better.

I have a really hard time making new friends.  It's true.  I'm shy(er) than I used to be.  I feel like with my almost bipolarness these days I'm unstable around people for a lengthy period of time, and I don't feel very confident in what I have to offer anyone.  I don't do anything worth talking about.  I don't make small talk well.  I'd rather just be with kids.  I love my ward, but I miss having close friends at church who made me want to be there.  (Not that I need social reasons to go!  It's just extra nice to feel wanted when you're there and missed when you aren't...)  I understand you have to reach out of your comfort zone to do this, but that doesn't mean reaching out guarantees a social fix.  In fact, lately, when I've gone to various social events, I've felt that much MORE friendless, because these people see each other every day and I am the outsider that shows up for enrichment or a dinner date, etc....

I'll live.

I've been feeling lately like Paul and I need a BIG CHANGE.  Like a fresh start at a "real" job somewhere across the country...not that we could afford moving right now anyway, and we really are hoping that we'll still magically overcome whatever fertility issues we're having and get pregnant and need my mommy around...but still.  We both feel like we've reached a plateau here and are just in limbo until something happens TO us...but I want to be the kind of person that MAKES something happen.  More internal conflict...

I recently read "Mockingjay," the third and final book in the Hunger Games series, and I loved it.  I love the whole series.  A lot a lot.  It's got a lot of violence, so I never recommend it to others, but I personally enjoyed it a TON.  Maybe that makes me a bad person.  Whatev.

Psych = happiness.  Can't wait 'til November!  And Bones starts in two weeks.  That's something.

I've started DIGITAL scrapbooking.  I'm torn between "real" and digital...they both have their pros and cons.  But it's still kinda fun.  If you're interested, check out some of the pages here.  (WARNING: They really aren't that good...I'm still getting the hang of Paint.net, and I haven't been too inspired about page layouts, either.  You can just deal.)  :)

I have many more thoughts tumbling around in my skull, but I'm getting tired.  (I only sleep 5-6 hours a night, which is ridiculous since I am not working NOR tending children, so I could sleep as much as my body will allow).  I'm off to eat breakfast and plan for a day of actually DOING something, so here's to today.  And to you, faithful reader, for lasting this long inside my head.  :)