Why I Believe Wednesday: Seth

I've been thinking a lot about my brother today.  Allow me to get extra personal for a moment. 

My brother and I were never very close.  I was the oldest, he was the youngest; I was a girl, he was the only boy; I was kind of a goody-goody, and he liked to get into trouble; I was shy and introverted, he made easy conversation with anyone he met and everyone was his buddy.  Things like family and creation were my passions.  Money and fame were his.  We had so little in common that, while I love him the way any sister loves her baby brother, we were never really friends.

He is now in prison, for the umpteenth time he's been in trouble with the law since his teenage years.  He had a lot of potential to be a leader, but he chose to be a follower instead, and he followed all the wrong people.  While he was sweet and tender and protective of us all, and he is still one of the funniest people I've ever known (you know Shia LaBeouf?  Yeah, that's basically Seth's personality in a nutshell...), he made a series of choices that changed him from a basically good kid who did occasionally stupid/bad things to a really not-so-good kid whose intentions aren't even honorable.  He's done some REALLY bad things, and people who talk with him keep saying he'll change, but he's a great deceiver, because he is SO DANG charismatic.  I do truly believe people CAN change, especially if they rely on the Savior to help them through that process, but I have a hard time believing that Seth WILL change.  I'm not saying never, but I'm not holding my breath, either.  We've been down that road too many times, and it hurts every time.  I need to work on that.

Today I resumed transcribing the first novel Seth wrote in jail.  I know that every writer reveals a huge part of him- or herself in their writings, but this book is especial evidence of the fact.  The main character is himself with a different name, and his best friend (JT in real life) is Jay.  It's practically an autobiography of sorts.  And it's fascinating.

Coming to understand Seth's perspective on things has really had an effect on me.  In reading his words, I see how he views the world, and how he views himself.  Some of it is actually kind of enlightening, and I feel grateful to be getting to know him now and to be serving him in this way.  Even though he's miles away, I feel closer to him now than I may ever have.  And some of it is kinda frightening, because I can see so vividly the influence of the world and his friends on the path his life has taken.

If I hadn't had the friends and the teachers/leaders I had, especially at Church, I could have easily been swept away by those same tides.  "There but for the grace of God go I."

Then I think about some of my students, especially some of the kids from my student teaching class.  There were a few boys that SO reminded me of my brother I wanted to cry.  I felt like I made a difference for them, the kind of difference I couldn't or didn't for my brother, but it was only a few short weeks.  And they were only third graders.  The world is going to keep coming at them, and us, fast.  And it isn't going to get any easier.  You have to be stronger, and smarter, and more comfortable being alone, and have deeper conviction, to be good in the world anymore.  I want to teach because I want to give children more so they won't fall into those same traps and trials.

How did I ever get so lucky to understand these things, to see them so clearly?

I still have hope for Seth, especially in light of his recent struggles in this very dangerous prison.  I wish he hadn't made the choices he did, but he did.  And I've learned some very important lessons from his experiences so that I don't have to make the same mistakes.  Like, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you look up, especially if you're as proud as our family can be.  Or sometimes we are our own worst enemies.  Or labeling people does more harm than any outright cruel thing you could say.  Or there's a bit of good in everyone, which makes everyone worth saving. 

I'm so grateful that the Savior doesn't give up on any of us.  I'm so grateful that He sees the potential in all of us, even when everyone else around us may not.  I need to be more like that.  I'm so grateful for second chances and for the hope that the gospel brings for the change in people.  I'm so grateful for the discernment of the spirit and for the right to exert righteous judgment so that I don't get caught up in the world's snares.  I'm also grateful that, because I know my brother and his struggles as I do, I am less prone to judging unrighteously.  I'm especially grateful for healthy, righteous influences, particularly my closest friends who probaby unwittingly kept me from complete and total self-destruction.  When I think about my brother, it is clear what paths I do NOT want to go down, and that's a start.  All of these things make clear the necessity of absolute obedience to the commandments of the Lord, and the blessings that faithful obedience brings.  I know, quite intimately, that when we follow His words in all things, we are happy and we bring good things into being.  And when we don't, we are miserable, and our misery consumes others beyond ourselves.  By the fruits ye shall know them...and that is why I believe.