Why I Believe Wednesday: The Comforter

I've been kind of an emotional wreck all week.  I seriously have been crying several times a day and I just feel really, really confused and disappointed and frustrated and regretful and angry all at once about my life.  Paul and I have been in the process of planning to move to Chicago at the end of next month.  It was going to be glorious--getting OUT of this place and ON with our lives, all that jazz.  Long story short, some things have transpired (and some things HAVEN'T transpired) that have caused us to rethink our life plan for the next year, and it looks like we may be staying here, after all.  Of course, with less than a month's notice, finding a place is difficult, anyway, and especially so with our over-25-pound dog (seriously? What does it matter if they're a larger dog or smaller one?  What REALLY matters is if they're chewers or not, if they're a "dangerous breed," and if they're housetrained...our 55-pound puppy is waaaaay less destructive and mean than many 15-pound dogs.  But that's a debate for another day.)

I really wanted to go to Chicago this summer.  I don't even like Chicago that much, but I just wanted a fresh start, like we all need once in a while, and doing it in a big city with the comfort of family close by just felt kinda great.  I have been feeling trapped, invisible, and all around unhappy living in my hometown, and I thought that moving meant moving on.  And I still do think that.  And even though we'll only be staying here one more year and THEN going to Chicago (we haven't lost the dream, just changed the timeline of it), when I think about how LONG and HARD this last year was for me, I pretty much break down at thinking about having to go through it all again.  I love our ward, but it's SO HARD to find real friends when you don't have kids or a husband who's in grad school.  And not working hasn't helped my self-esteem or my sanity or our money problems at all.  Now, I'm sure I'll find a substitute teaching job or something for next year, but it's not quite the vision of me teaching and Paul working full-time so we can be saving money for Paul's return to schooling that we had hoped.  And this morning, we realized that in all the hustle and bustle of trying to scrounge up an apartment in a month (which I'd have to pack up, sign a lease to it, and move on my own because of Paul's upcoming business trip so he can get the promotion that has us in such a whirl), it really just made economic sense to stay in this very apartment--the apartment I loathe, not because of space but because of the management and maintenance people--which just made me bawl all over again.

This comes a day after hard fasting for both of us.

The strange thing, and the really great thing, is that even in the midst of my utter despair and confusion and worry and heartbreak and frustration, I also feel this really out-of-place sense of peace.  I know that no matter what we decide, and no matter what roadblocks are in our way, and no matter what we or other people think or say or feel about it, we will be okay.  Maybe it's not what I want, but since when is that new?  And, whatever happens, we will just have to face it, together, and make the best out of it.  As long as we're honestly trying our best to do the right thing, and to be wise stewards over what we have, the Lord won't let us fail.  We WILL go to Chicago next summer.  And we've figured a few things out this time around--mostly through our own mistakes, and also just because--that will make moving in a year that much easier for us, so I can just chalk this all up to a learning experience and move on. 

Maybe it won't be what I wanted.  But maybe it'll be even better.  Or maybe it won't, but it'll still be okay.  You never know.  As long as there is life, there is hope.  That is very comforting, and comforting is just ONE of the many roles of the Spirit.  I know I'm only keeping it together because of that Spirit.  And that is why I believe.