This is the day I got my ears pierced again...

Caida and I got them pierced together yesterday, actually. :) She was very brave, and afterwards she felt so fancy she kept modeling for her mom all night. :) It was a fun, small, special moment for both of us.

It made me miss Paul, though. There are so many small moments that remind me of him, or of his absence. Caida and Paul had a very special bond--he was her "Monkey Paul" (she couldn't say uncle) since she was 4, and had been in her life for two years before that. He loved her before we ever even dated. :) He gave her a pink guitar the Christmas we started dating and she still has it--this from the child that loses or breaks EVERYTHING. :) He loved her, prayed for her, worried about her, gave her a handful of priesthood blessings, and enjoyed sharing in all the little moments with her. Especially when we realized we couldn't have kids, he really took our nieces and nephews (and his primary kiddos) under his wing all the more. It helped that he was such a child himself. ;) They played, snuggled, and joked around with each other all the time. I wish I'd taken more pictures of them together. It's really sad to think that Caida will grow up and probably not remember her Monkey Paul...but I will try to remind her how lucky we both are to be loved by such a great man. And to help her family as they prepare to get sealed in the temple this year! I know he has had a BIG role in all of it, and I know he will be there with us on that special day.

So this is Christmas...

We survived the first year without Paul. Barely (it just wouldn't be Christmas without a good, solid family fight, right?) but we did it. Here are some of my favorite pictures:

But that's not really why I'm posting today. I really only post anything anymore when I have something important to say, and today that something is gratitude. I'm so grateful to my Father in Heaven for the calm, insightful, reverent spirit I've had within myself since Paul's passing--He has been teaching me a lot these last few months and comforting me through even the hardest nights. I'm grateful that this experience has brought me closer to Him. I'm grateful that even though I haven't felt Paul with me directly, I've been inspired to feel his influence in my life in many ways and to also feel the Lord's Spirit take over in a few instances where I needed Him most. (Even just over Christmas!) Even in my flawed state, when tempers flare or the loneliness is overwhelming, He does not leave me forsaken. I'm just very grateful.

I'm grateful to have seen my brother yesterday. I cried when I saw him on the screen in court, I cried when I heard him talking and realized how grown-up he is now (he IS 25, when did that happen?), and I cried the whole way home. He's in prison, and has been for quite some time--he missed our wedding and Paul's funeral, and his own son being born, and a host of other major events, and it's really reaching him. He talks differently now. He has some focus for the long-term, rough road ahead and for the first time seems ready to take some responsibility for himself. For the first time in a LONG time (a decade and then some) I have *hope* for my little brother. I actually want him in my life and believe I can help support him in some way as he transitions (eventually, he's not out yet) back into the real world. I am so grateful.

My niece is getting baptized tomorrow, along with two of her stepbrothers. My sister, who for her whole adolescence and most of her adulthood has been ambivalent at best about the gospel, has been going to church with her little family since Paul passed away. They're going to be sunbeam teachers. The kids are getting baptized. Cerene and Casey are working towards being sealed. They are adopting in a few months. I hoped for these things for her for a long time, but I can't believe the peace and joy that have come when they are finally happening! I am so grateful.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not all smiles. The holidays really were hard and every day I miss Paul more, not less. I cry almost every day, the ache is so much stronger than I'd ever imagined. I am sad, and angry, and jealous of others in a very intense way I'm not proud of.

But I just have also felt so blessed lately to be a witness to so many miracles, and I know there are more to come. I'm definitely sticking around for as long as I'm given, to see what they are! And I just felt like I should share that with you today. People, and life, can be so full of contradictions. But it doesn't make the good things any less true. Even with all the hard things I'd rather not pass through, and even though I'm all those "bad" (or, more truthfully, hard) feelings, I am also so very, very blessed. God is good.

I hope your Christmas was at *least* as blessed as mine was. 

This is the day it SNOWED! Like a lot.

My back yard is my new favorite thing. It's like a postcard! The dogs are loving it, too...so much, in fact, that they don't want to come in. Even when they have to. :) But I can't blame them.

Can you see Obi way back there?

This is Dawn's birthday!

My good friend Dawn turned something-something today, so of course we ha to celebrate in style! Charissa and I took her to see Wicked in Indy! It was AH-MAZING. Just incredible. So fun, too, to finally check something off the bucket list! 

Yes, that poster is signed by the entire cast! They gave out incentives for donations to charity!

I actually look kinda good in this one!

Sitting and waiting for the show to start!

A pic of the initial setup...I was a good girl and didn't use any photo/video during the production, even though I REALLY wanted to! :)

Afterwards, we went with my mom to see Frozen. Oh. My. Word. If you haven't seen it yet, do it! It is officially my favorite Disney movie yet. And that's saying something! I can't get "Let it Go" out of my head. It may be my new theme song! Also, a historic movie for me: first one I ever saw in 3D AND the first one I saw twice in the theater. :)

Aaaaaand, of course, we watched an episode of Lois and Clark to wind down the slumber party before we passed out. :)

This is pure nostalgia for me. Seriously!

Hope you enjoyed your birthday, Dawn! I know I did!

This is Taco Thanksgiving

I haven't updated in a while.  Forgive me.  I'd been warned how difficult the holidays could be and I thought that meant I was prepared for it, but I really wasn't.  Here's what Thanksgiving Day looked like for me:

Grading.
Leftovers (wings and pasta mostly).
Lois and Clark, an entire season's worth (yes, I stayed up 'til 6:30 am watching TV and avoiding my melancholy).

Now, before you go feeling all sorry for me, know that I DID have several offers by wonderful people, but that Thanksgiving traditions as YOU know them are pretty meaningless to me, anyway.  I CHOSE to be alone.  I felt pretty happy to have a day to MYSELF, to get caught up on grading and housework and just lounge around in my footie pajamas with the dogs and not have anywhere to be. I relished in letting the pinpricks in my eyes come and go as they pleased, imagining and remembering and wondering in the privacy of my new home.

Besides, for me and mine, it's all about

TACO THANKSGIVING!

The tradition started the Thanksgiving when I was 15.  My parents' divorce was almost final, and my mom moved out just before Thanksgiving Day.  A new apartment with almost no furnishings, no money to speak of, and no one was in the mood to cook, anyway.  So Mom went to Taco Bell and brought back tacos.  We ate them over cardboard boxes and milk crates and it was the most relaxing, delicious Thanksgiving meal we'd ever had.  None of us love to cook, none of us love turkey or overly sweetened sweet potatoes or stuffing....but TACOS. 

So now, every year, we make WAAAAAAAY too much food for a taco bar and eat until we are about to explode.  Everyone LOVES it, and the leftovers last us all week in the most delightful way. Paul was allergic to turkey.  It was a sign.  :)

Caida crawled up onto my lap today after eating and napping.  It should be explained that she's nine and has special needs, so all of this has been hard to process for her, too.  On top of that, my mom's kitten had to be put down earlier this week and they buried her in Caida's front yard.  So, she crawled up into my lap to ask me, "Where's Paul?"
"Caida, you know where he is," I answered, not really sure if she did.
"At home?"
"No."
"At work?"
"No."
"Dead?"
"Yes."
A clumsy-caring caress of my cheek.  "Well, at least he has a kitten now."

I appreciated her bluntness over everyone else's silence.

Truthfully I'm kinda dreading this next month or so.  SO much to do with work and holiday "cheer," and I can feel the loneliness pulling at my heart more strongly each day.  It's harder than I thought it would be.  I never realized how much of my happiness and good memories were wrapped up in him and it's just been quite the adjustment.  And all the friends and family in the world can't take his place.  I find myself longing for heaven in a sad way, knowing that I'm meant to stay here for a while and figure a few things out on my own for now.  I find myself impulse buying and planning grand adventures just to be excited to be alive. 

It's not that I'm not grateful.  I have a GREAT MANY things to be thankful for, large and small, and I acknowledge those daily in public and private.  Be my friend on Facebook if you don't believe me.  :)  But knowing that and feeling that are not the same.  Right now I just feel tired and small and sad and wishing that I got to keep him here with me a little longer.

I'm told that's normal.
I wish that helped. 

I believe in scattering sunshine, friends, I really do.  I try not to share much of the HARDNESS of it all because I think there is enough hardness and darkness in the world and I want to be a beacon of happiness and hope.  And most of the time, really and truly, I feel up to the challenge.  My life is blessed in abundance, and I am not denying the miracles I've seen and felt or the incredible love of God, family, and friends. 

But today...

Today is Taco Thanksgiving, and I am an island.

Chair makeover...with help!

I found this awesome little chair at GoodWill several months ago.

Isn't it hideous? But despite the 70s colors, the heaviness of the thick wood and metal, and the courseness of the fabric on the overly-stiff cushion, I fell in love with it. Why?

1. It swivels. Every teacher needs a swivel chair!

2. It's low to the ground. I hate the huge rockers that make me feel far away from my students. 

3. It had character...and potential. I could feel it!

So, a couple cans of white spray paint & primer, some cute Lego fabric from Etsy, and some SEWING HELP from a talented friend, and here is the bright and happy final product: 

It has made my fourth-graders almost as happy as me!

Isn't it amazing what just a little cosmetic update can do for things? :)

This was Red Ribbon Week

I had a lot of fun with Red Ribbon Week activities in the classroom. Here are a few snippets from our morning meetings:

Monday: Made our "iTune out Drugs!" Bulletin board/door display, and talked about why we shouldn't use drugs or alcohol. The kids drew an alternate activity in their iPods..."I'd rather be..." And they traced their hands. I was pretty proud of my giant MP3 player, myself. ;)

Tuesday we talked about HOW to say no--ignoring/changing the subject, suggesting an alternative, using humor, etc. I had the kids draw a single-pane comic on the back of an index card showing someone trying to get them to do drugs and them saying no, using one of the methods we'd talked about. Some of them were pretty funny:

Can't go wrong with an appeal to bacon!

My little artiste. :)

Randomest change of subject...

Great alternate activity if you happen to be a ninja.

(Yeah, not sure what 36-year-old is offering them drugs...creepy.)

Wednesday we did some shared writing (along with prewriting!) and wrote our own drug-free pledge to recite after the morning pledge and announcements every day. This is what they came up with:

I let them design a flag to go along with our new pledge, so Thursday we voted and displayed it in the room by our new pledge. The ones that didn't win still went in the hallway, so they all got to show off their hard work! And Friday was fall break so I didn't have to plan anything, although I probably would've done some role playing to help them practice saying no!

It was a fun week with a great purpose!

This is the day Paul would have been 29.

Six years ago today, I went on a casual date with a friend for his birthday.  We went to Fazoli's on campus (mostly for the free breadsticks!) and then I watched him snuggle face-first with cats he was allergic to at some friends' house. I thought to myself, What a strange, but light-hearted, kid.  I had no idea that the just-beginning-friendship of that autumn would soon burgeon into a full-blown romance, engagement, and marriage.  I had no inkling of the sadness we'd face together, whether over family happenings, job loss and financial difficulties, health on both accounts, or infertility.  I had no comprehension of the simple or profound joys that he would introduce me to--the world of science fiction, the love of puppies, traveling the country together, the wonders of marital bliss in the moments we could find them, the satisfaction of working and serving alongside one another in just about everything, the peace of a quiet night at home in our PJs.  I had no idea I'd found my better half, and I don't mean that he was better in every way than me (although that is almost true).  I mean that he complemented me, brought out my best, made up for my worst, encouraged me in every good and creative thing, and taught me more about what true love is by his own actions and even just the look in his eyes than any sermon anyone could ever preach. He was my biggest fan, my eternal love, and my very best friend in all the world.

I took him for granted.

It happens.

And now that we're separated by the veil, I have learned and felt and known a few things that I don't know how to share with you but that I want so desperately to share all the same in my own pitiful words that will sound so very trite but are the essence of all that I know and feel right now.

Life is precious.
The gospel of Jesus Christ, as restored in the latter-days, is true.  The Plan of Happiness is real.  SO REAL.
4 years of marriage or 40, it wouldn't have been enough time.
Prayers are truly heard by our Heavenly Father. Especially when it happens in big numbers for "the one" that has wandered.
People are wonderful and caring and kind, sometimes even to random strangers.
The Lord knew this would happen, and He prepared us both as much as He could for this moment in time.
I am okay.
Grief is not a decrescendo.
I have work to do!
I am not alone.

Seven weeks have passed since he passed through the veil and "returned home to that God who gave him life." I can't believe it's been that long.  I can't believe it's been that short.  Time, memory, these things escape me constantly. I have work and my church calling with our upcoming primary program and work and wonderful friends and family and puppies and hobbies and WORK to keep me busy. I try to focus on the positive things, the miracles and tender mercies of the Lord that have gotten me through it, the power of being sustained literally by hosts of angels on both sides of the veil. I try not to get *too* caught up in the new fears that come with living alone in a new house, or the sadness when I look at the clock and expect him to come walking through the door after a long day's work, then realize it's just not going to happen. Ever. Again. I pray and ponder to try to find out why I'm still here, why he couldn't just take me with him--what my purpose is, what I really want to accomplish--so that when it's my turn to join him I feel ready.  I want to leave a legacy of love and service and happiness and faith, as he did.  So I try to live worthy of him every day.  What would Paul do?

Meanwhile, I'm back here in the waiting place. I'm not waiting anymore for the children that will never be ours. I'm not waiting for that dream job or that perfect day or any of our several planned travels together that will never be. Now I just wait for the day when the promise of our temple marriage, our eternal sealing, will be fulfilled, when we will never again be separated from one another or from the God we both love and serve. I wait for those perfect bodies that will be ours forever, for the restoration of all good things one hundredfold as He has promised to the grieving and bereaved.

More than that, though, I am waiting on the Lord. Not waiting around. Waiting--serving, trusting, hoping, acting, emulating in my own small and unremarkable way that will never measure up to His example no matter how hard I try. Waiting for Him to rescue me, as my faith in His Atonement assures, from all sin, grief, weakness, and longing of mortality.

This kind of waiting is a peaceful, happy, busy thing.  

But today, I miss him extra.

I love you, Paul. Thanks for being my everything. Thanks for living so we had no regrets. Thanks for making so many things work out and taking care of me even after you've gone. I wouldn't have traded a single second of it.

Happy birthday, love.

This is the day I started a new kind of date night...

This might sound strange or morbid, but it was kinda awesome. I've decided that since Paul and I are still married, just separated for a while, I can still work on strengthening our marriage once a week. I went to his grave after school and talked/cried with him for a while, and then I started writing in a new journal, all of which will be letters to him about our past, my present, and our future. The cemetery is so beautiful and peaceful, even if it's a sad peace, and after I talked for a while I was in a very good place to finally start writing about everything. Just a short date, I couldn't get far, and I didn't even bring dinner! :) But it was actually really nice. I hope in the future to not just talk but pray and think about how I can help him in the work he's doing, still partners, just on both sides of the veil.

I'm also excited to be doing 29 random acts of kindness in his honor for his birthday next month. I have a friend or two who will be helping me. It'll be a good focus for our FHE for the next month or so!

This is the day I bury my husband.

I have no words today. But I do have some pictures. These are the things I'm burying him with:

Pictures from our nieces and nephews:

A dapper (and stopped) Navy pocket watch:

A Star Trek communicator...I'm keeping the other one so we can chat later. :)

And a puppy, of course. 

I wanted to find his missionary tag but I couldn't...guess I was meant to keep it. It's okay, because "called to serve" is going to be engraved on our tombstone.