This is Taco Thanksgiving

I haven't updated in a while.  Forgive me.  I'd been warned how difficult the holidays could be and I thought that meant I was prepared for it, but I really wasn't.  Here's what Thanksgiving Day looked like for me:

Grading.
Leftovers (wings and pasta mostly).
Lois and Clark, an entire season's worth (yes, I stayed up 'til 6:30 am watching TV and avoiding my melancholy).

Now, before you go feeling all sorry for me, know that I DID have several offers by wonderful people, but that Thanksgiving traditions as YOU know them are pretty meaningless to me, anyway.  I CHOSE to be alone.  I felt pretty happy to have a day to MYSELF, to get caught up on grading and housework and just lounge around in my footie pajamas with the dogs and not have anywhere to be. I relished in letting the pinpricks in my eyes come and go as they pleased, imagining and remembering and wondering in the privacy of my new home.

Besides, for me and mine, it's all about

TACO THANKSGIVING!

The tradition started the Thanksgiving when I was 15.  My parents' divorce was almost final, and my mom moved out just before Thanksgiving Day.  A new apartment with almost no furnishings, no money to speak of, and no one was in the mood to cook, anyway.  So Mom went to Taco Bell and brought back tacos.  We ate them over cardboard boxes and milk crates and it was the most relaxing, delicious Thanksgiving meal we'd ever had.  None of us love to cook, none of us love turkey or overly sweetened sweet potatoes or stuffing....but TACOS. 

So now, every year, we make WAAAAAAAY too much food for a taco bar and eat until we are about to explode.  Everyone LOVES it, and the leftovers last us all week in the most delightful way. Paul was allergic to turkey.  It was a sign.  :)

Caida crawled up onto my lap today after eating and napping.  It should be explained that she's nine and has special needs, so all of this has been hard to process for her, too.  On top of that, my mom's kitten had to be put down earlier this week and they buried her in Caida's front yard.  So, she crawled up into my lap to ask me, "Where's Paul?"
"Caida, you know where he is," I answered, not really sure if she did.
"At home?"
"No."
"At work?"
"No."
"Dead?"
"Yes."
A clumsy-caring caress of my cheek.  "Well, at least he has a kitten now."

I appreciated her bluntness over everyone else's silence.

Truthfully I'm kinda dreading this next month or so.  SO much to do with work and holiday "cheer," and I can feel the loneliness pulling at my heart more strongly each day.  It's harder than I thought it would be.  I never realized how much of my happiness and good memories were wrapped up in him and it's just been quite the adjustment.  And all the friends and family in the world can't take his place.  I find myself longing for heaven in a sad way, knowing that I'm meant to stay here for a while and figure a few things out on my own for now.  I find myself impulse buying and planning grand adventures just to be excited to be alive. 

It's not that I'm not grateful.  I have a GREAT MANY things to be thankful for, large and small, and I acknowledge those daily in public and private.  Be my friend on Facebook if you don't believe me.  :)  But knowing that and feeling that are not the same.  Right now I just feel tired and small and sad and wishing that I got to keep him here with me a little longer.

I'm told that's normal.
I wish that helped. 

I believe in scattering sunshine, friends, I really do.  I try not to share much of the HARDNESS of it all because I think there is enough hardness and darkness in the world and I want to be a beacon of happiness and hope.  And most of the time, really and truly, I feel up to the challenge.  My life is blessed in abundance, and I am not denying the miracles I've seen and felt or the incredible love of God, family, and friends. 

But today...

Today is Taco Thanksgiving, and I am an island.

Chair makeover...with help!

I found this awesome little chair at GoodWill several months ago.

Isn't it hideous? But despite the 70s colors, the heaviness of the thick wood and metal, and the courseness of the fabric on the overly-stiff cushion, I fell in love with it. Why?

1. It swivels. Every teacher needs a swivel chair!

2. It's low to the ground. I hate the huge rockers that make me feel far away from my students. 

3. It had character...and potential. I could feel it!

So, a couple cans of white spray paint & primer, some cute Lego fabric from Etsy, and some SEWING HELP from a talented friend, and here is the bright and happy final product: 

It has made my fourth-graders almost as happy as me!

Isn't it amazing what just a little cosmetic update can do for things? :)

This was Red Ribbon Week

I had a lot of fun with Red Ribbon Week activities in the classroom. Here are a few snippets from our morning meetings:

Monday: Made our "iTune out Drugs!" Bulletin board/door display, and talked about why we shouldn't use drugs or alcohol. The kids drew an alternate activity in their iPods..."I'd rather be..." And they traced their hands. I was pretty proud of my giant MP3 player, myself. ;)

Tuesday we talked about HOW to say no--ignoring/changing the subject, suggesting an alternative, using humor, etc. I had the kids draw a single-pane comic on the back of an index card showing someone trying to get them to do drugs and them saying no, using one of the methods we'd talked about. Some of them were pretty funny:

Can't go wrong with an appeal to bacon!

My little artiste. :)

Randomest change of subject...

Great alternate activity if you happen to be a ninja.

(Yeah, not sure what 36-year-old is offering them drugs...creepy.)

Wednesday we did some shared writing (along with prewriting!) and wrote our own drug-free pledge to recite after the morning pledge and announcements every day. This is what they came up with:

I let them design a flag to go along with our new pledge, so Thursday we voted and displayed it in the room by our new pledge. The ones that didn't win still went in the hallway, so they all got to show off their hard work! And Friday was fall break so I didn't have to plan anything, although I probably would've done some role playing to help them practice saying no!

It was a fun week with a great purpose!

This is the day Paul would have been 29.

Six years ago today, I went on a casual date with a friend for his birthday.  We went to Fazoli's on campus (mostly for the free breadsticks!) and then I watched him snuggle face-first with cats he was allergic to at some friends' house. I thought to myself, What a strange, but light-hearted, kid.  I had no idea that the just-beginning-friendship of that autumn would soon burgeon into a full-blown romance, engagement, and marriage.  I had no inkling of the sadness we'd face together, whether over family happenings, job loss and financial difficulties, health on both accounts, or infertility.  I had no comprehension of the simple or profound joys that he would introduce me to--the world of science fiction, the love of puppies, traveling the country together, the wonders of marital bliss in the moments we could find them, the satisfaction of working and serving alongside one another in just about everything, the peace of a quiet night at home in our PJs.  I had no idea I'd found my better half, and I don't mean that he was better in every way than me (although that is almost true).  I mean that he complemented me, brought out my best, made up for my worst, encouraged me in every good and creative thing, and taught me more about what true love is by his own actions and even just the look in his eyes than any sermon anyone could ever preach. He was my biggest fan, my eternal love, and my very best friend in all the world.

I took him for granted.

It happens.

And now that we're separated by the veil, I have learned and felt and known a few things that I don't know how to share with you but that I want so desperately to share all the same in my own pitiful words that will sound so very trite but are the essence of all that I know and feel right now.

Life is precious.
The gospel of Jesus Christ, as restored in the latter-days, is true.  The Plan of Happiness is real.  SO REAL.
4 years of marriage or 40, it wouldn't have been enough time.
Prayers are truly heard by our Heavenly Father. Especially when it happens in big numbers for "the one" that has wandered.
People are wonderful and caring and kind, sometimes even to random strangers.
The Lord knew this would happen, and He prepared us both as much as He could for this moment in time.
I am okay.
Grief is not a decrescendo.
I have work to do!
I am not alone.

Seven weeks have passed since he passed through the veil and "returned home to that God who gave him life." I can't believe it's been that long.  I can't believe it's been that short.  Time, memory, these things escape me constantly. I have work and my church calling with our upcoming primary program and work and wonderful friends and family and puppies and hobbies and WORK to keep me busy. I try to focus on the positive things, the miracles and tender mercies of the Lord that have gotten me through it, the power of being sustained literally by hosts of angels on both sides of the veil. I try not to get *too* caught up in the new fears that come with living alone in a new house, or the sadness when I look at the clock and expect him to come walking through the door after a long day's work, then realize it's just not going to happen. Ever. Again. I pray and ponder to try to find out why I'm still here, why he couldn't just take me with him--what my purpose is, what I really want to accomplish--so that when it's my turn to join him I feel ready.  I want to leave a legacy of love and service and happiness and faith, as he did.  So I try to live worthy of him every day.  What would Paul do?

Meanwhile, I'm back here in the waiting place. I'm not waiting anymore for the children that will never be ours. I'm not waiting for that dream job or that perfect day or any of our several planned travels together that will never be. Now I just wait for the day when the promise of our temple marriage, our eternal sealing, will be fulfilled, when we will never again be separated from one another or from the God we both love and serve. I wait for those perfect bodies that will be ours forever, for the restoration of all good things one hundredfold as He has promised to the grieving and bereaved.

More than that, though, I am waiting on the Lord. Not waiting around. Waiting--serving, trusting, hoping, acting, emulating in my own small and unremarkable way that will never measure up to His example no matter how hard I try. Waiting for Him to rescue me, as my faith in His Atonement assures, from all sin, grief, weakness, and longing of mortality.

This kind of waiting is a peaceful, happy, busy thing.  

But today, I miss him extra.

I love you, Paul. Thanks for being my everything. Thanks for living so we had no regrets. Thanks for making so many things work out and taking care of me even after you've gone. I wouldn't have traded a single second of it.

Happy birthday, love.

This is the day I started a new kind of date night...

This might sound strange or morbid, but it was kinda awesome. I've decided that since Paul and I are still married, just separated for a while, I can still work on strengthening our marriage once a week. I went to his grave after school and talked/cried with him for a while, and then I started writing in a new journal, all of which will be letters to him about our past, my present, and our future. The cemetery is so beautiful and peaceful, even if it's a sad peace, and after I talked for a while I was in a very good place to finally start writing about everything. Just a short date, I couldn't get far, and I didn't even bring dinner! :) But it was actually really nice. I hope in the future to not just talk but pray and think about how I can help him in the work he's doing, still partners, just on both sides of the veil.

I'm also excited to be doing 29 random acts of kindness in his honor for his birthday next month. I have a friend or two who will be helping me. It'll be a good focus for our FHE for the next month or so!

This is the day I bury my husband.

I have no words today. But I do have some pictures. These are the things I'm burying him with:

Pictures from our nieces and nephews:

A dapper (and stopped) Navy pocket watch:

A Star Trek communicator...I'm keeping the other one so we can chat later. :)

And a puppy, of course. 

I wanted to find his missionary tag but I couldn't...guess I was meant to keep it. It's okay, because "called to serve" is going to be engraved on our tombstone. 

My LEGO classroom!

It's been a long week and a half, friends, but the time is drawing near and I'm as finished and ready as I will ever be for the  first day! Copies made, room done, orientations and paperwork and random last-minute and late-night runs to Walmart are ebbing down. I think it's looking good. :) Let me take you on a tour of the room!

Here are pieces of my front door, including names, my magnetic "Where are we?" Board, and a week-at-a-glance board (dry erase) where I hope to be writing a few fun objectives/activities for each day.

Here's the view as you walk in!

As you shut the door, you see my reminders board (for homework and last-minute switches in rides, etc.) and my "how we get home" board...names are on clothespins so we can change it out easily.

On my back wall I'm using some of the MANY storage closets as my student work bulletin board! I'll write funny or profound things they say or write on the quote boards in dry-erase and take a picture of them, then actual work will be taped to the cabinets.

In front of it is my Indiana rug! 

My cozy library...it's not quite as cramped as it looks in this picture, but still. :) Books are organized by genres/series so they can easily find something fun...I'm still working on labeling them with Lexile numbers though. You can kinda see the closets in the background that we also turned into giant LEGOs--with plastic tablecloths and paper plates! :) The front drawers (behind the chairs) are normal white cabinets from Walmart or Target and I just used mini frisbees from the Dollar Tree as the "bumps." A coat or two of spray paint and they were set!

Since my room isn't very big, part of my library is here. :) Picture books (most of them nonfiction) and some more storage. Young Hoosier Books, Title 30 books, etc. will be displayed in the appropriate 9 weeks in the hanging shelves. And you also see my math stations on the right there, all 10 ready to go!

Just a shot of our supply station (on top of the LEGO cabinets in the library)...complete with office supplies, paper, a book hospital, dry erase and clip boards tucked in containers on either side, and my Pringles Box Tops container!

A pic of our mailboxes. Saw an idea on Pinterest about using binder clips and labels to name each mailbox, and SO glad I did, since my class list has gone through multiple changes in the last few days! Easy to change out.

On the back right is my guided reading group area. Anchor charts will be posted on the wall, and supplies/books for each group will go in the shelving. The Lego guy pic says, "We are builders--building knowledge, building character, building community." It's my dream, mantra, class rules and philosophy all rolled into one. :)

Sliding down the right wall a bit are my absent work and extra activities tubs (for early finishers, a folder for each student). Also my class jobs list. They have to apply, be interviewed, and keep their jobs for a full 9 weeks. :)

My boggle board, mobile document camera, and behind it are some supplies and my birthday stuff.

Here's a shot from the back of the room, sans white shelving yet. :) My giant pencil-shaped writing process poster, my ASL signs, word wall, command center, etc.

The students will learn some ASL this year and we will use these signs especially a lot. My command center includes behavior clip chart, daily schedule cards (laminated so they are dry erase clocks), and lunch count.

Next to it I have my Fact of the Day (to get them reading more nonfiction), homework club, and extra dry erase makers with pom poms hot glued on back.

By my teacher desk I have my team points (earning Popsicle sticks for transitions, good teamwork, etc.). a few supplies, and a big tub to turn in homework!

My handy supplies...love those Scentos markers! 

Here is our whole class area...still need to recover the cushion for my chair. :)

My (way too big) teacher desk. 

Drawers for everything!

Whole-class incentives with the Legos, and my "thought bubbles" and junk store on top.

Past the student computers and right by the door (we've come full circle!) I have my bathroom passes, out-of-the-room cups, first aid kit, and storage for random things. Once we make our class rules together, the poster will go above the "Rate Yourself!" exit ticket poster.

Here's a shot from the front of the room, with the amazing Lindsey as my super helper (even late nights!). You can see my white storage shelves for shared team supplies and all binders/notebooks here now. 

So, yeah, here's my room!

I have gotten a lot of compliments. A LOT. But the best part was being here for registration and hearing kids gasp, ooh and aah, and run to tell their friends or parents all about the Lego room. I think it's unique, inviting, playful but not overwhelming or over stimulating, and just a great setup for a great year! It makes me happy and calm and excited to be in my room and have a place for everything. What do YOU think?

This is the day I dyed my hair and cried in primary...twice.

The light in my hallway is SO BAD. It really doesn't do the subtle change justice in these pictures...but I dyed my hair. It was time--I wore my hair half-up for church today and more than one person asked me if I had highlighted it...nope, just my grays, thanks. :) I think I may get a simple trim/shape kinda cut before school starts next week, too.

BEFORE

AFTER

Also, teaching primary music is always a little emotional for me, but this is the first time I just broke down about it. We had a fabulous fast and testimony meeting where I just felt the Spirit testify to ME that the Lord loves us all, but especially the children. To have to teach "A Child's Prayer" afterwards was just unfair and asking for tears. :) 

Senior primary especially. The girl I para-ed and tutored also goes to my church. We started talking about the primary program, in which the kids get to write their own parts in our ward (each class has a different monthly theme to talk about). Her class is talking about what it means to them to know that they are children of God. She said, "When I had my brain tumor, I was really scared, but I knew Heavenly Father was watching over me." A whole sentence. I've heard that a lot, especially lately, but not many other people have. It brought tears to her teacher as well.

THEN, since senior primary already knew all the words, we talked about the meaning of the song more. I showed them the picture of Christ and the children and asked them to tell me the story (Mark 10:13-26). Then I talked about why this song is so special to so many people, and it's not just the beautiful overlapping melodies. It's about knowing that Christ loves YOU, knowing you can pray anytime, anywhere and He will hear and answer. I asked them all to think of a time when they had prayers answered, THEN we sang the song. They sounded like angels. I cried a lot. :) 

Afterwards, with a few minutes to spare, I asked if anyone wanted to share their prayer-experiences, and at first it was kinda silent. But, being an experienced teacher :), I let the silence work its magic. In matters of the Spirit especially, silence can be a *golden* teaching moment. After a while, kids slowly started raising their hands to share their simple, pure testimonies of prayer--from being healed from illnesses to having good dreams at night to finding things that were lost. We ran out of time for everyone and will have to continue sharing every week this next month. :)

It was a very special Sunday, at least for me.

Quick FHE idea

Check out a post on my other blog for an easy, simple, fun FHE idea involving the Kirtland Temple and wooden blocks!

http://givethemheaven.blogspot.com/2013/08/fhe-for-kids-kirtland-temple.html?m=1

This is the day that may be almost perfect.

Rainy and 70 degrees.

Airing out the house.

Baking chocolate-peanut butter cookies.

The smell of last night's lumpia still hanging in the air.

Reading for FUN instead of for school. ;)

Cuddling with my puppies.

Got the key to my classroom this morning.

Got to tutor and shop and do housework and have my visiting teachers over...so it wasn't a WASTE of a day!

It's just been a good day.

I love summer. I plan on enjoying every last minute of the next week and a half until school starts!