This is my favorite yarn ever.

Its called Parfait. Hard to find a good variety of colors around town, so I ordered some from an online vendor for the same price but with shipping. Worth every penny! Here are the colors for four new baby blankets for friends about to pop:

Girly (reminds me of neopolitan ice cream):

Boyish:

It's the same kind of soft, melt-in-your-hand, almost silky and so smooth it's almost not even there kind of yarn that I made this blanket with:

So they have some bold colors, too. And variegated yarn they call "flavors." Easier to find online than in craft stores, at least here.

Seriously, it's softer than that Bernat's baby yarn stuff! You have to feel it in its finished product to believe it. Do a double crochet stitch and you'll be amazed at how little softness it loses (my beef with most other yarn, it gets itchy when you actually make something with it!). It's my new favorite ever!

Just thought I'd share. 

This was my first Valentine's Day without Paul

And you know what? It was okay! 

I think the fact that I never loved valentine's day in the first place helped lower my expectations. Paul and I didn't make VDay as big a deal as birthdays, Christmas, and anniversaries, truthfully. So there weren't any traditions to miss, just him--which is an everyday occurrence, anyway, so...nothing new. He's always in my heart. 

I DID commemorate our eternal love by ordering our headstone that afternoon! I think it will be simple and classy and perfect for our tastes. No photos, no extra flowers and junk, just the basics in classic lines and white-on-polished-black, with "Called to Serve" inscribed on the back. Maybe it's not romantic in the traditional sense, but it IS a declaration of my undying love for him all the same. And it felt really good to get it done, should be in by Memorial Day!

Then, after actually cleaning some!, my BFF Lindsey came over and we started booking/planning our summer cruise. TO GREECE AND TURKEY, via VENICE!!! Which basically meant we got excited about it for a long while, ordered the tickets, and then watched New Girl and ate chocolate. :) Until 3:30 am. 

All this after the chaos of a party at school, with flowers from my dad AND a coworker (bless her heart!). 

My loot! Being a teacher has it's perks. ;)

It was a good day. People are kind and compassionate and thoughtful and good, and that helps a whole lot. 

Salvation Through Suffering

A couple of weeks ago, I gave a talk in sacrament meeting entitled "Salvation Through Suffering."  I'm finally getting around to posting. Thanks for reading. :)

Celeste’s Talk January 26, 2014

Salvation Through Suffering

The Plan of Salvation is often known by several other names.  The Plan of Happiness.  The Plan of Righteousness. The Plan of Mercy.  Those words I understand, but there is one title that has always mystified me a little, and that is the Plan of Redemption. I knew that you could redeem a coupon for free ice cream at Cold Stone.  I knew that a bad argument could be redeemed by one really great point.  I’d heard of people redeeming mortgages or the government redeeming bonds.  I knew most importantly, and this is of course the real focus of my talk today, that the scriptures are replete with testimony that the Savior of mankind came to redeem His people.  So with all these many, very different usages, what does this word really mean? 

I learned these past few weeks that the word redeem has its roots in Latin and means to “buy back.”  If the Savior redeemed us, He must have bought us back from something, and back to something.  What is it?  And he bought us with a price.  What price?  Elder Holland once taught (and I’m paraphrasing a little for context), “I am convinced that (gospel living) is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy.  We are The Church of Jesus Christ…how could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for him? It seems to me that (members) have to spend at least a few moments in Gethsemane…Now, please don’t misunderstand.  I’m not talking about anything anywhere near what Christ experienced…but I believe that…to come to the truth, to come to salvation, to know something of this price that has been paid, we will have to pay a token of that same price…If (the Savior) could come forward in the night…and cry, ‘Abba, Father (Papa), if this cup can pass, let it pass,’ then little wonder that salvation is not a whimsical or easy thing for us.  If you wonder if there isn’t an easier way, you should remember you are not the first one to ask that.  Someone a lot greater and a lot grander than you asked a long time ago if there wasn’t an easier way…the only way to eternity is through Him—the Way, the Truth, and the Life.”[i]

Today, I’ve been asked to focus on a different but similar quote from Elder Holland, given in the most recent General Conference.  He taught of the struggles and trials that come to all of us, “in striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters, it is crucial to remember that we are living—and chose to live—in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again.  Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came.  It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive.”[ii]

I think most of us understand that when we actively apply the Atonement, the Savior is there to help us bear our burdens.  We think of the Comforter or of the promised blessings that await us, and we know that, first, these things are bearable.  And then, I think we mostly know, and can all testify, that our trials do become understandable, even if only in hindsight.  We learn valuable lessons and skills, we grow into our Divine Nature, we see how the Savior helps us and our testimony of Him is strengthened.  I’m not going to talk about that either.  J  I’d like to focus on the last part of Elder Holland’s quote, where our trials can be “finally redemptive,” or how we can be saved from our sins through them. 

Even more specifically, we basically have two kinds of trials—those that are consequences of our choices, and those over which we have no control.  I think we understand that, as we sin and consequently suffer, we are drawn into the repentance process and can be forgiven of sins.  So I’m not even going to cover that today.  But can we be saved from our sins even through suffering that occurs through no fault of our own?  The answer? Absolutely! 

As I’ve pondered the variety of trials I have endured in my own life, I can testify on a very personal level that there is truly salvation in suffering.  Why?  How is it done?  I’m honestly not totally sure.  But the scriptures testify of it again and again.  And I have felt it.  I noticed in studying this topic that it is particularly mentioned by the Book of Mormon prophet Nephi, the New Testament Apostle Paul, and to the early Saints in the Doctrine and Covenants.  This comes as no surprise if you consider the task that lay in front of each of them, establishing new branches of the Kingdom of God, which of necessity requires a cleansing, purifying power to make it His, make it work, and make it last. 

Nephi and his brothers endured suffering and temptations of nearly every kind, and severe chastening by the Lord.  Of course we know that Laman and Lemuel brought a lot of the chastening on themselves through wickedness, but even Nephi exclaimed in the throes of grief after his father (the prophet Lehi) passed away, “O wretched man that I am!  Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins.”[iii]  This is NEPHI.  He has come to be known to millions as the quintessential prophet of righteousness and obedience!  He had visions and blessings abound, but he was not exempt from suffering, usually at the hands of his brothers but sometimes just because that is life.  Yet even in this moment of his most profound sadness, he declared, “Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.  My God hath been my support (there’s the bearable)…He hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time (there’s the understandable)…He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh” (and THERE is the redemption).  

It is this humility, this ultimate leaning on the Lord and submissiveness to His will, patiently bearing all things, that enabled Nephi to be “bought back” from his sins and weaknesses and be made whole enough in spite of them to lead a family, and soon a whole people, into a promised land.  Nephi, a righteous prophet of God, was sanctified through his suffering.

The writings of the Apostle Paul abound with encouragement to the early Christians to not only bear their sufferings patiently but to rejoice in them.  “Rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings…if ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you.” [iv] (Bearable.) We are divine children of God with knowledge and power, “but we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.” [v] (Understandable.) “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”[vi] (There’s salvation in there.)  He taught that even Christ Himself not only earned our salvation through His suffering, but His own: “Though He were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered; And being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him.”[vii]

The early Saints in this dispensation have a similar story.  They were trying to do a massively great thing—establish the Lord’s church and kingdom again on the earth, with Jesus Christ at its head.  Sometimes mistakes were made, and sometimes they just needed refining.  “Zion cannot be built up unless it is by the principles of the law of the celestial kingdom,” the Lord taught, “and my people must needs be chastened until they learn obedience, if it must needs be, by the things which they suffer.” [viii] “Behold, this is the blessing which I have promised after your tribulations…your redemption, and the redemption of your brethren.” [ix] “Yet I will own them, and they shall be mine (for He truly bought them with a heavy price)…therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried…for those who will not endure chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified.”[x]  We know our history; we know how the Saints humbled themselves and grew through their sufferings into this divine vision.  Zion was indeed established in the Latter Days.

So it appears that much of our suffering is intended to humble us enough to come to the Lord again and again.  It is possible to come unto Christ without immense suffering, but most of us need a little hardship now and again as a reminder.  President Harold B. Lee taught of this suffering, “Some of us have been tried and have been tested until our very heart strings would seem to break…Sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea, for like the experience of the Master himself in the temptation on the mount, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and on the cross at Calvary, the scriptures record, ‘And behold, angels came and ministered unto him.’ Sometimes that may happen to you in the midst of your trials.”[xi]

“We don’t seek out tests, trials, and tribulations.  Our personal journey through life will provide just the right amount for our needs…At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope…it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses.  And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right.”[xii]

I know I have experienced this again and again, most recently when I lost Paul. There are no words to describe the pain that has come with this separation; it has been my greatest trial, facing day after day without him, knowing that it will be so for the rest of my time in mortality.  But there is also a very sacred sweetness that has come into my life as I have had to make the Savior my constant companion, one which I don’t have adequate words for but that doesn’t make it any less real or true. In the midst of my grief and in wrestling with the Spirit, on my knees I have come to know my Savior in a new light.  I felt this especially in the first weeks after his passing, largely, I know, because of the prayers and fasting of many of you on my behalf.  I was compelled to rely on others, and I felt the Spirit pouring down from heaven profoundly.  (It was bearable.) As I pondered this Plan of Redemption that I always believed, a more sure knowledge settled in my soul “as the dews from heaven,” and there are things of the Spirit I now know. Additionally, I was blessed to understand how the Lord had prepared me through other trials in my life to meet this challenge, and know that He would take care of me.  (It was understandable.)  I especially felt the love of our Savior when I needed it most, assuring me that I was forgiven and being purified, and that I was capable of loving and forgiving others.  (I knew I had been redeemed, and would be again and again as often as I came unto Him.) I don’t always feel this way now—life has a way of distracting us from these revelations—but I feel this especially when I sit at Paul’s graveside.  I’m human, of course--I worry and doubt and sin—but a calm assurance always comes that lets me know I am known and loved of the Lord.  I feel, again and again, saved.  Redeemed.  Bought back.  Back from my own sinfulness, back to that God that gave me life.  I have come to know that we must endure suffering to be reminded of our vulnerability, of our ultimate powerlessness and reliance on the Lord, to seek that constant connection that saves us.  I think no matter how righteous we are, we will spend our whole lives learning over and over again to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in Him, and deny (ourselves) of all ungodliness…then are (we) sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ.”[xiii]

I add my witness to that of the prophets of His redeeming power, and of the redemptive power of our trials.  We are saved through suffering—our own, and that of the Savior.  It is why we are here, and it is why He came.  I so testify in the name of our beloved Redeemer, even Jesus Christ, amen.

---

[i] “Missionary Work and the Atonement,” Jeffrey R. Holland, Mar. 2001 Ensign

[ii] “Like a Broken Vessel,” Jeffrey R. Holland, October 2013 General Conference

[iii] 2 Nephi 4: 17-21, 23

[iv] 1 Peter 4: 13-14

[v] 2 Corinthians 4: 7

[vi] 2 Corinthians 12:10

[vii] Hebrews 5: 8-9

[viii] D&C 105: 5-6

[ix] D&C 103: 13

[x] D&C 101:3-5

[xi] In Conference Report, Munich Germany Area Conference, 1973, pg. 114

[xii] “More than Conquerors Through Him that Loved Us,” Paul V. Johnson, April 2011 General Conference

[xiii] Moroni 10: 32-33

See also Romans 8: 37-39; Alma 5:26; Isaiah 43: 1-2; 2 Corinthians 1: 5-6; 1 Peter 1: 3-9; Hebrews 12: 6-14; Isaiah 53: 5; Galatians 3:24; James 1: 2-6; D&C 90: 36; Luke 21:28; Psalms 49:8; 3 Nephi 9: 13-14, 17, 21-22; Ephesians 1: 6-7; Mormon 9: 12-13; Alma 34:16; Alma 12: 33-34; “The Purifying Power of Gethsemane” by Bruce R. McConkie (April 1985 General Conference); “An High Priest of Good Things to Come” by Jeffrey R. Holland (October 1999 General Conference); “None Were With Him” by Jeffrey R. Holland (April 2009 General Conference); “Broken Things to Mend” by Jeffrey R. Holland (April 2006 General Conference)

This is the day I wore eyeshadow.

I had a roommate and friend in college, Clair, who came up with something called "red lipstick days." The philosophy was this: if you're having a terrible day, whether it's because you feel crummy inside or are just dealing with *life*, you should put on some bright red lipstick. It'll make you look (and feel) cheerier. I have come to adopt that philosophy in my life--I only try hard to look nice when I am having or anticipating a rough day, I guess to compensate. My good friends know that if I'm wearing makeup, for example, I'm either on my period and feel like I look terrible or I have some big professional thing I have to look presentable for. My colleagues are fast learning that I wear my best clothes when it is laundry day and I'm feeling frumpy and all my "normal" clothes need washed or I feel gross and need the grown-up world to be oblivious to the fact.

So today was a sort of a milestone. I wore eyeshadow just because. 

I also cooked for myself. I don't love cooking, and I haven't done much of it these past 5 months because it's just not fun to cook for one. (I buy frozen entrees and ready-made salads or eat out.) I have made a couple batches of various soups...but today I made herbed pork and a lettuce-free salad. Just because. 

Proof that I am growing...I even like mushrooms now!

I gave a talk today in church about the power of our trials to redeem us. I'd like to share it with you. When I get internet I will. :) I love going to church even on the hard days because (a) I really do believe in and love my Savior and relish the chance to worship him, and (b) I love the kids there. One came running up on stage after sacrament meeting to give me a giant hug. Another gave me lots of high fives in primary. And a third told me she loved me. I'm sad I won't get to have children of my own, but I'm grateful to the families in our ward that share their kids with me in some way. It is healing for my heart to be around little people that always have such incredible openness about their love. I learn and get so much from them.

It's been a good day. :)

This is my 2014 Theme!

I've had a few goals/things to do jumbling around in my mind as I pondered 2013 and looked forward to 2014. It's been hard to put into words all my feelings and hopes and sadnesses and I've just struggled to put it together into anything coherent.

I like the idea of a yearly theme instead of resolutions--something to remind me to keep focused on all these happenings all around me and to unite everything into one mantra. I have actual resolutions, too--gratitude 365, daily scripture study, listening to a ted talk every day, starting yoga, being a better teacher that isn't just going through the motions to survive (as I sort of had to last semester for personal reasons)...traveling, getting back in touch with the things I love to do, keeping my love for Paul alive...just being more INTENTIONAL in everything, really.

I love scripture study lately. I've really identified with the lessons Nephi's family learned while traveling through the wilderness. I was reading Nephi's "psalm" this morning (2 Nephi 4) and rediscovered that right in the middle of all his psalming, there's a lovely little verse that starts with the exclamation, "Awake, my soul!" That is exactly what I want to do. I feel like the last four months, while certainly filled with tender moments of learning and love and coming unto the Savior, have also been reactionary, like I've been asleep and dreaming and living somewhere between a nightmare and a peaceful dreamworld (it changes daily, if not hourly). I mentioned before that I am struggling with what my purpose here is, and how I can live a happier, fuller, more service-oriented life so that I WANT to be here. It's really hard when your sweetheart is waiting for you on the other side and you have no one here that *needs* you, but I have learned to be patient. :)

Anyway, rambling aside, this is my 2014 theme. "Awake, my soul!" This means to me that I will *intentionally* do things that help me draw closer to God, to other people, and to the beautiful things in this world that we only get one chance to enjoy. Whenever it IS my time to go, I want to leave peacefully, knowing that I exercised my agency instead of reacting to life as it happened to me, prioritized well, served others, learned lots, and focused on being happy and enjoying life no matter what, inside or outside of me, has challenged that happiness. I struggle to believe that "men are that they might have joy," but I want to believe it, and this year I'm going to try harder to create that joy around and within me, to awaken my soul to the hope, love, peace, and happiness that I know this life can offer.

This is the day I got my ears pierced again...

Caida and I got them pierced together yesterday, actually. :) She was very brave, and afterwards she felt so fancy she kept modeling for her mom all night. :) It was a fun, small, special moment for both of us.

It made me miss Paul, though. There are so many small moments that remind me of him, or of his absence. Caida and Paul had a very special bond--he was her "Monkey Paul" (she couldn't say uncle) since she was 4, and had been in her life for two years before that. He loved her before we ever even dated. :) He gave her a pink guitar the Christmas we started dating and she still has it--this from the child that loses or breaks EVERYTHING. :) He loved her, prayed for her, worried about her, gave her a handful of priesthood blessings, and enjoyed sharing in all the little moments with her. Especially when we realized we couldn't have kids, he really took our nieces and nephews (and his primary kiddos) under his wing all the more. It helped that he was such a child himself. ;) They played, snuggled, and joked around with each other all the time. I wish I'd taken more pictures of them together. It's really sad to think that Caida will grow up and probably not remember her Monkey Paul...but I will try to remind her how lucky we both are to be loved by such a great man. And to help her family as they prepare to get sealed in the temple this year! I know he has had a BIG role in all of it, and I know he will be there with us on that special day.

So this is Christmas...

We survived the first year without Paul. Barely (it just wouldn't be Christmas without a good, solid family fight, right?) but we did it. Here are some of my favorite pictures:

But that's not really why I'm posting today. I really only post anything anymore when I have something important to say, and today that something is gratitude. I'm so grateful to my Father in Heaven for the calm, insightful, reverent spirit I've had within myself since Paul's passing--He has been teaching me a lot these last few months and comforting me through even the hardest nights. I'm grateful that this experience has brought me closer to Him. I'm grateful that even though I haven't felt Paul with me directly, I've been inspired to feel his influence in my life in many ways and to also feel the Lord's Spirit take over in a few instances where I needed Him most. (Even just over Christmas!) Even in my flawed state, when tempers flare or the loneliness is overwhelming, He does not leave me forsaken. I'm just very grateful.

I'm grateful to have seen my brother yesterday. I cried when I saw him on the screen in court, I cried when I heard him talking and realized how grown-up he is now (he IS 25, when did that happen?), and I cried the whole way home. He's in prison, and has been for quite some time--he missed our wedding and Paul's funeral, and his own son being born, and a host of other major events, and it's really reaching him. He talks differently now. He has some focus for the long-term, rough road ahead and for the first time seems ready to take some responsibility for himself. For the first time in a LONG time (a decade and then some) I have *hope* for my little brother. I actually want him in my life and believe I can help support him in some way as he transitions (eventually, he's not out yet) back into the real world. I am so grateful.

My niece is getting baptized tomorrow, along with two of her stepbrothers. My sister, who for her whole adolescence and most of her adulthood has been ambivalent at best about the gospel, has been going to church with her little family since Paul passed away. They're going to be sunbeam teachers. The kids are getting baptized. Cerene and Casey are working towards being sealed. They are adopting in a few months. I hoped for these things for her for a long time, but I can't believe the peace and joy that have come when they are finally happening! I am so grateful.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not all smiles. The holidays really were hard and every day I miss Paul more, not less. I cry almost every day, the ache is so much stronger than I'd ever imagined. I am sad, and angry, and jealous of others in a very intense way I'm not proud of.

But I just have also felt so blessed lately to be a witness to so many miracles, and I know there are more to come. I'm definitely sticking around for as long as I'm given, to see what they are! And I just felt like I should share that with you today. People, and life, can be so full of contradictions. But it doesn't make the good things any less true. Even with all the hard things I'd rather not pass through, and even though I'm all those "bad" (or, more truthfully, hard) feelings, I am also so very, very blessed. God is good.

I hope your Christmas was at *least* as blessed as mine was. 

This is the day it SNOWED! Like a lot.

My back yard is my new favorite thing. It's like a postcard! The dogs are loving it, too...so much, in fact, that they don't want to come in. Even when they have to. :) But I can't blame them.

Can you see Obi way back there?

This is Dawn's birthday!

My good friend Dawn turned something-something today, so of course we ha to celebrate in style! Charissa and I took her to see Wicked in Indy! It was AH-MAZING. Just incredible. So fun, too, to finally check something off the bucket list! 

Yes, that poster is signed by the entire cast! They gave out incentives for donations to charity!

I actually look kinda good in this one!

Sitting and waiting for the show to start!

A pic of the initial setup...I was a good girl and didn't use any photo/video during the production, even though I REALLY wanted to! :)

Afterwards, we went with my mom to see Frozen. Oh. My. Word. If you haven't seen it yet, do it! It is officially my favorite Disney movie yet. And that's saying something! I can't get "Let it Go" out of my head. It may be my new theme song! Also, a historic movie for me: first one I ever saw in 3D AND the first one I saw twice in the theater. :)

Aaaaaand, of course, we watched an episode of Lois and Clark to wind down the slumber party before we passed out. :)

This is pure nostalgia for me. Seriously!

Hope you enjoyed your birthday, Dawn! I know I did!

This is Taco Thanksgiving

I haven't updated in a while.  Forgive me.  I'd been warned how difficult the holidays could be and I thought that meant I was prepared for it, but I really wasn't.  Here's what Thanksgiving Day looked like for me:

Grading.
Leftovers (wings and pasta mostly).
Lois and Clark, an entire season's worth (yes, I stayed up 'til 6:30 am watching TV and avoiding my melancholy).

Now, before you go feeling all sorry for me, know that I DID have several offers by wonderful people, but that Thanksgiving traditions as YOU know them are pretty meaningless to me, anyway.  I CHOSE to be alone.  I felt pretty happy to have a day to MYSELF, to get caught up on grading and housework and just lounge around in my footie pajamas with the dogs and not have anywhere to be. I relished in letting the pinpricks in my eyes come and go as they pleased, imagining and remembering and wondering in the privacy of my new home.

Besides, for me and mine, it's all about

TACO THANKSGIVING!

The tradition started the Thanksgiving when I was 15.  My parents' divorce was almost final, and my mom moved out just before Thanksgiving Day.  A new apartment with almost no furnishings, no money to speak of, and no one was in the mood to cook, anyway.  So Mom went to Taco Bell and brought back tacos.  We ate them over cardboard boxes and milk crates and it was the most relaxing, delicious Thanksgiving meal we'd ever had.  None of us love to cook, none of us love turkey or overly sweetened sweet potatoes or stuffing....but TACOS. 

So now, every year, we make WAAAAAAAY too much food for a taco bar and eat until we are about to explode.  Everyone LOVES it, and the leftovers last us all week in the most delightful way. Paul was allergic to turkey.  It was a sign.  :)

Caida crawled up onto my lap today after eating and napping.  It should be explained that she's nine and has special needs, so all of this has been hard to process for her, too.  On top of that, my mom's kitten had to be put down earlier this week and they buried her in Caida's front yard.  So, she crawled up into my lap to ask me, "Where's Paul?"
"Caida, you know where he is," I answered, not really sure if she did.
"At home?"
"No."
"At work?"
"No."
"Dead?"
"Yes."
A clumsy-caring caress of my cheek.  "Well, at least he has a kitten now."

I appreciated her bluntness over everyone else's silence.

Truthfully I'm kinda dreading this next month or so.  SO much to do with work and holiday "cheer," and I can feel the loneliness pulling at my heart more strongly each day.  It's harder than I thought it would be.  I never realized how much of my happiness and good memories were wrapped up in him and it's just been quite the adjustment.  And all the friends and family in the world can't take his place.  I find myself longing for heaven in a sad way, knowing that I'm meant to stay here for a while and figure a few things out on my own for now.  I find myself impulse buying and planning grand adventures just to be excited to be alive. 

It's not that I'm not grateful.  I have a GREAT MANY things to be thankful for, large and small, and I acknowledge those daily in public and private.  Be my friend on Facebook if you don't believe me.  :)  But knowing that and feeling that are not the same.  Right now I just feel tired and small and sad and wishing that I got to keep him here with me a little longer.

I'm told that's normal.
I wish that helped. 

I believe in scattering sunshine, friends, I really do.  I try not to share much of the HARDNESS of it all because I think there is enough hardness and darkness in the world and I want to be a beacon of happiness and hope.  And most of the time, really and truly, I feel up to the challenge.  My life is blessed in abundance, and I am not denying the miracles I've seen and felt or the incredible love of God, family, and friends. 

But today...

Today is Taco Thanksgiving, and I am an island.