"Help Thou Mine Unbelief"

I gave a talk in church yesterday, and I had a couple of requests for the typed-up version to be sent somehow...unfortunately, I don't actually write out my talks, just come up with an outline and put the quotes in where I need to.  So, while I can't recreate the thing in its entirety, here's a slightly more fleshed-out version of the outline with my ramblings thoughts included.  Y'know, I was really grateful to speak, even if I was super nervous and didn't quite get out what I wanted to say all the time.  I always learn so much more when I'm preparing a talk than in my usual gospel study, even if I'm studying by topic.  And even though I'm not an emotional speaker, that doesn't lessen the testimony I have of the principles I learned in preparing to speak. 

"Help Thou Mine Unbelief", a talk based on L. Whitney Clayton's talk in the October 2001 General Conference by the same name

Intro:

• Summarize Mark 9:14-29, emphasizing verses 23-24, and why you love it: I feel I can empathize, even though I have no children who have been possessed of an evil spirit.  I think we have all, at one time or another, cried out to the Father, "I know my weaknesses, and my disobedience, but I really do believe, and WANT to believe, and I'm just hoping and praying you'll help me make up the difference."
• Intro Elder Clayton's talk, and President Faust's in October 2003 General Conference by the same name.  Main idea: We must put our faith into action.  "There is no faith where there is no obedience."  John 7:17--if we want a greater testimony, then we must act in faith.  "We promote the process of strengthening our faith when we do what is right--increased faith always follows."  So we must act.
• Examples he cites: the early apostles, Mary (the mother of Jesus), and Joseph Smith.  Each of these individuals acted on the little faith they had, and because they did, miracles and blessings poured into their lives, and rich, faith-promoting experiences with the Savior occured as a result.

Main Idea:

• If this testimony-obedience cycle is SO plain/clear/straightforward, and SO familiar in the gospel, then why aren't we perfectly obedient?  Why is MY faith not yet whole?  As I pondered experiences to share in which I could add my testimony to that of these men and women of the kind of faith-obedience required for salvation, I found myself instead pondering all the moments when perhaps my faith or my testimony or my obedience was weaker than it should have been.  And I wondered what it was that got in my way?  And how did/should I have overcome those obstacles to faith-promoting obedience?
• SOMETIMES OUR DISBELIEF COMES FROM TRANSGRESSION.  Examples of this are everywhere.  Just as obedience strengthens testimony, disobedience weakens it.  I thought of the parable of the sower, that I taught the primary kids not too long ago...how the seed (meaning the word of God) needs to fall on good ground in order to sprout up.  Good ground comes from soil able to nourish the seed.  We nourish the word by our faith-obedience.  True faith and testimony come through feeling the Spirit.  If we are disobedient, we cannot feel that Spirit, and our faith cannot grow or be confirmed.  If this is our obstacle to faith, then we must simply repent and work hard to invite the Spirit back into our lives.
• SOMETIMES WHAT WE DON'T KNOW LEADS US AWAY FROM THE LORD INSTEAD OF TOWARDS HIM.  Perhaps we see a doctrine we don't understand (which is a natural part of learning), or we are offended by the human frailties of others and we use that as an excuse to discount all that we DO know, turn away from Him, or to disobey.  President Faust, in his talk, said: "In the process of accepting and rejecting information in the search for light, truth, and knowledge, almost everyone has--at one time or another--some private questions.  That is part of the learning process...(but) the gospel as restored by Joseph Smith is either true or it is not.  To receive all of the promised blessings we must accept the gospel in faith and in full...when you pick up a stick you pick up both ends.  And so it is with the gospel.  As members of the Church we need to accept all of it.  Even limited spiritual assurance of some aspects of the gospel is a blessing, and in time the other elements of which you are uncertain can come through faith and obedience...Revelations from the prophets of God are not like offerings at the cafeteria, some to be selected and others disregarded."  Ask, and ye SHALL receive!  Instead of allowing our questions to turn us from the Lord, we should come to Him in sincere and humble prayer, and He WILL manifest the truth unto us.  Until then, we need to act in faith, nothing wavering.
• SOMETIMES OUR COMPLACENCY MEANS WE AREN'T TRYING HARD ENOUGH.  Do we feel we are faithful enough, obedient enough, and need no more revelation?  If we say that out loud, of course, we don't, but maybe our inaction says otherwise.  Are we living beneath our privileges, as modern-day counsel has recently suggests?  Sometimes, what we THINK of ourselves and our obedience is really just us placating ourselves so that we don't have to do more.  We may think we are fine, but we all can ask, "What lack I yet?" and then (unlike the man in the scriptures who didn't like what he heard and turned away sorrowful) we can listen and OBEY the answer we receive.  Doing this will help us overcome our complacency.
• SOMETIMES WE ARE EARNESTLY TRYING TO BE PERFECTLY OBEDIENT, BUT WE GET DISTRACTED OR MISGUIDED IN OUR EFFORTS.  This is especially true for me...I sometimes allow the cares of the world or mixed-up priorities to keep me from being as obedient as I want to be.  Sometimes we aren't self-aware enough to admit where our real priorities lie.  Elder Clayton said, in his talk: "No matter who we are or where we live, there is much about our lives that is routine and repetitive.  As we go about this dailiness, we must be deliberate about doing the things that matter most.  These must-do things include making room first for the minimum daily requirements of faithful behavior: true obedience, humble prayer, serious scripture study, and selfless service to others. No other daily vitamins strengthen the muscles of our faith as fast as these actions.  We also must remember that genuine fasting fosters strong faith.  This is especially important as we faithfully seek to fix deeply embedded character flaws which go 'no out but by prayer and fasting.'"  What we spend our time on, what we think about when we have a choice, is far more revealing of our true attitudes and priorities than anything we may claim. For example, we may say we have a testimony of the importance of family, but if the requisite time and actions are not spent fostering those family relationships then we may be fooling ourselves.  We may say we love the scriptures, but how much do we really love them if we are not reading them?  If this is our obstacle to true faith-obedience, then we must take an objective look at our lives, take inventory of the things we spend our time on, and then make concerted efforts to change our desires, habits, and priorities to be more in-line with what the gospel teaches us.  We must refocus, time and time again.
• SOMETIMES WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT, AND WE SIMPLY DON'T RECOGNIZE OUR FAITH GROWING.  Both talks heavily emphasized the fact that faith-promoting obedience is a line-upon-line, precept-upon-precept kind of experience, and we don't always realize how much we really have learned until after the fact.  Like drops of oil in our spiritual lamps, we may not realize the value of a single drop, but these experiences will all ultimately prepare us for the coming of the bridegroom.  If we DO want to recognize our faith as it grows NOW, this requires deliberate action.  Record spiritual and faith-promoting experiences and impressions, gospel study enlightenment, etc. in a place where you can refer to it often.  Doing this exercises our awareness of the Lord's hand in our lives and strengthens our testimony, because we are thinking of Him daily.
• FINALLY, SOMETIMES WE HAVE BEEN DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT, ALL OF THIS, BUT WE STILL FEEL STUCK IN A RUT OR ON A SPIRITUAL PLATEAU.  If this is the case, there are two things to consider.  The first is that, as a previous stake president once counseled me, you can increase the Spirit in your life and/or the learning experiences you seek by taking on a new challenge.  Attack your scripture study in a new way.  Volunteer, formally or informally.  Take a new class.  Shake things up.  Seeking out new, positive experiences will inevitably bring on new enlightenment.  The second thing to remember is to be PATIENT!  The Lord has promised his Spirit, and added revelation, to the faithful (meaning obedient) members of the Church.  It WILL come.  Trust in His promises.

Conclusion:

• We have many mighty examples, in the scriptures, church history, and in our own lives, of those who acted in obedience and whose faith was strengthened as the blessings of that obedience flowed. 
• President Faust: "For those whose faith has faded, the reasons may be real to them, but these reasons do not change the reality of what Joseph Smith restored.  A testimony of the efficacy of prayer comes through humble and sincere prayer.  A testimony of tithing comes by paying tithing.  Do not let your private doubts separate you from the divine source of knowledge.  Prayerfully go forward, humbly seeking eternal light, and your unbelief will be disspelled.  I testify that if you continue in the purposeful process of searching for and accepting spiritual light, truth, and knowledge, it will surely come.  By going forward in faith, you will find that your faith will increase.  Like a good seed, if it is not cast out by unbelief, it will swell within your breast."
• I really have a testimony of this principle and want to add mine to his.  There are still a great many things I do not know, and I have a long way to go before I can say I am perfectly, exactly obedient.  But there are some things that I DO know.  I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God.  I have had far too many experiences with that book, and felt the spirit so strongly as I read and obey, to ever doubt it.  Because I know that the Book of Mormon is true, I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, because he translated that book and restored the gospel to the earth.  I know that we need and have a prophet on the earth today, and because I know that, I can have faith in the promises and the teachings they give us.  I am grateful for Conference talks like this one that help me to refocus, and I pray that I, and all of us, will begin or continue to act in real faith.  I know that if we do, our faith will be strengthened, and it will grow brighter and brighter until the perfect day, and we will see many blessings and miracles flow into our lives because of our obedience.  I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

A few recipes :)

First of all, Caida *LOVES* mac 'n' cheese.  Especially Wacky Mac!  We ate it almost every day I homeschooled her.  But $1.08/box (which is about a serving)?  NO, thank you.  :)  So I made my own wacky mac, and Caida LOVES it.  It ends up being much cheaper per serving, although you still spend about $10 for it all...but it lasts MUCH longer!  And you can use the fun-shaped pasta or the Velveeta for other dishes, too. 

You just boil several kinds of pasta (I made a wacky mac plastic bin that holds a TON of mini rotini, mini shells, mini bowtie pasta, and macaroni...I tried to find just wheels, too, but no such luck).  Then add a little milk or, for extra thick/cheesiness, evaporated milk (maybe 1/3 cup for every cup of pasta), and some 1-inch cubes of Velveeta (maybe 6 ounces worth).  It's yummy!  Extra cheesy, and it's nice to have Velveeta for other things...like my childhood favorite, cheese peas.  :)

Also, Caida and I love to bake together when she's here.  We tried out this AMAZING coconut/chocolate chip/macadamia nut cookie recipe, and it is quite possibly my new favorite cookie.  :)  You should try it, too.  It's easy and YUMMY!  Although, watch the bake time--even with the larger cookies we made the second time around, our cookies were done in 12 minutes instead of the 17 she suggested!  And if you make them smaller, you can make about 3 1/2 dozen cookies.

My awesome kitchen helper, enjoying the fruits of our labors.  :)

Phone and Webcam Pics

First up, my "new" bangs...they're still a little short, and lopsided, and goofy.  So I still pin them back 4 days out of 5.  But they're getting there!  And, aside from how hot my forehead gets, I really love having bangs.

How I really look.

A great angle and facial expression (take 347) to make me look almost as thin as I used to...it gives me motivation to get that way again!

How I FEEL like I really look...

And now, some pictures of Obi and Voodoo at Happy Hollow Park from when Cerene first fostered her new puppy...

Obi and Voodoo just barely started getting used to each other when Voodoo left last weekend.  Well, now we get to have Voodoo for a few weeks, and they're starting to act like sisters...if, by sisters, you mean the kind that fight over food, use of the bathroom, attention of parents, and who chase each other around all day.  :)  Cerene had to get rid of a puppy that, because of a medical condition, peed all over the house, only to get another puppy that, because of the smell stuck in the carpet fibers, peed all over the house (she has had plenty of puppies and can house train, it's just hard once that smell is there).  SO, long story short, we're watching Voodoo and house training her until Cerene's fiance finds a new job and they move to a new house...either in Indy or D.C., as things stand now.  So for a few weeks, I'm learning what it's like to potty train a puppy for the first time, and to moderate fights between two "kids" who really just want to be only children again.  :)  I love my mornings with Voodoo, though.  Because she's still potty training, I get her up first, take her outside, then let her eat and drink and take her out again a few minutes later.  She helps me check the mail, water the garden, and then we just snuggle for a while...until she starts whining for someone to really play with!  Then the magic is broken and I have to let Obi out, and they chase each other around for a while.  On the plus side, I don't feel as guilty about not walking them in the 80 million degree heat we've had for the last several weeks, because they're getting plenty of exercise indoors.  :)  And sometimes, just sometimes, they get along enough to lay near each other.  :)  Anywho, here are some more pics of the two "cousins" when they're in their separate corners.  :)

Obi just wants a break from the annoying little pup that keeps jumping up and licking her face!

Voodoo's new spot is under the piano...I don't have the heart to tell her it's already been sold and could leave the apartment at any time! 

Obi's new comfy position on the couch.  :)

Obi was cold one night...and this is how she fell asleep!

Caida's alphabet.  :)  She did better when we actually did school together.  :)

Videos.  The first is of Caida when it was thunderstorming here...I thought it was cute.  :)  The second is just a glimpse into how Obi and Voodoo's "fights" get started.  :)

This is Voodoo sleeping on my leg...except she woke up when she heard my phone's camera come on.  Yesterday I watched Caida, and the two of them slept on me for an hour and a half.  It was adorable.  :)

And sometimes they DO get along.  :)

Why I Believe Wednesday: Seth

I've been thinking a lot about my brother today.  Allow me to get extra personal for a moment. 

My brother and I were never very close.  I was the oldest, he was the youngest; I was a girl, he was the only boy; I was kind of a goody-goody, and he liked to get into trouble; I was shy and introverted, he made easy conversation with anyone he met and everyone was his buddy.  Things like family and creation were my passions.  Money and fame were his.  We had so little in common that, while I love him the way any sister loves her baby brother, we were never really friends.

He is now in prison, for the umpteenth time he's been in trouble with the law since his teenage years.  He had a lot of potential to be a leader, but he chose to be a follower instead, and he followed all the wrong people.  While he was sweet and tender and protective of us all, and he is still one of the funniest people I've ever known (you know Shia LaBeouf?  Yeah, that's basically Seth's personality in a nutshell...), he made a series of choices that changed him from a basically good kid who did occasionally stupid/bad things to a really not-so-good kid whose intentions aren't even honorable.  He's done some REALLY bad things, and people who talk with him keep saying he'll change, but he's a great deceiver, because he is SO DANG charismatic.  I do truly believe people CAN change, especially if they rely on the Savior to help them through that process, but I have a hard time believing that Seth WILL change.  I'm not saying never, but I'm not holding my breath, either.  We've been down that road too many times, and it hurts every time.  I need to work on that.

Today I resumed transcribing the first novel Seth wrote in jail.  I know that every writer reveals a huge part of him- or herself in their writings, but this book is especial evidence of the fact.  The main character is himself with a different name, and his best friend (JT in real life) is Jay.  It's practically an autobiography of sorts.  And it's fascinating.

Coming to understand Seth's perspective on things has really had an effect on me.  In reading his words, I see how he views the world, and how he views himself.  Some of it is actually kind of enlightening, and I feel grateful to be getting to know him now and to be serving him in this way.  Even though he's miles away, I feel closer to him now than I may ever have.  And some of it is kinda frightening, because I can see so vividly the influence of the world and his friends on the path his life has taken.

If I hadn't had the friends and the teachers/leaders I had, especially at Church, I could have easily been swept away by those same tides.  "There but for the grace of God go I."

Then I think about some of my students, especially some of the kids from my student teaching class.  There were a few boys that SO reminded me of my brother I wanted to cry.  I felt like I made a difference for them, the kind of difference I couldn't or didn't for my brother, but it was only a few short weeks.  And they were only third graders.  The world is going to keep coming at them, and us, fast.  And it isn't going to get any easier.  You have to be stronger, and smarter, and more comfortable being alone, and have deeper conviction, to be good in the world anymore.  I want to teach because I want to give children more so they won't fall into those same traps and trials.

How did I ever get so lucky to understand these things, to see them so clearly?

I still have hope for Seth, especially in light of his recent struggles in this very dangerous prison.  I wish he hadn't made the choices he did, but he did.  And I've learned some very important lessons from his experiences so that I don't have to make the same mistakes.  Like, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you look up, especially if you're as proud as our family can be.  Or sometimes we are our own worst enemies.  Or labeling people does more harm than any outright cruel thing you could say.  Or there's a bit of good in everyone, which makes everyone worth saving. 

I'm so grateful that the Savior doesn't give up on any of us.  I'm so grateful that He sees the potential in all of us, even when everyone else around us may not.  I need to be more like that.  I'm so grateful for second chances and for the hope that the gospel brings for the change in people.  I'm so grateful for the discernment of the spirit and for the right to exert righteous judgment so that I don't get caught up in the world's snares.  I'm also grateful that, because I know my brother and his struggles as I do, I am less prone to judging unrighteously.  I'm especially grateful for healthy, righteous influences, particularly my closest friends who probaby unwittingly kept me from complete and total self-destruction.  When I think about my brother, it is clear what paths I do NOT want to go down, and that's a start.  All of these things make clear the necessity of absolute obedience to the commandments of the Lord, and the blessings that faithful obedience brings.  I know, quite intimately, that when we follow His words in all things, we are happy and we bring good things into being.  And when we don't, we are miserable, and our misery consumes others beyond ourselves.  By the fruits ye shall know them...and that is why I believe.

Lindsey's Pay It Forward (just getting started...)

With each new project I've undertaken for someone else, I've learned a new stitch or skill in crocheting.  With the beehive pincushion, it was the popcorn stitch.  With the cookies, it was the magic circle.  With the animals, it was how to follow a pattern and the concepts involved in shaping something with increases and decreases, which allows me to tweak pretty much any pattern for my own purposes.  With the hat/purse combo, they were two stitches called the front post and back post double crochets.  When I saw the basketweave stitch, then, and instantly wanted to learn how to do it, it only seemed natural that I would turn the stitch into something special for my final pay-it-forward gifts. 

My best friend, Lindsey, is moving soon into a new apartment.  She is the embodiment of cheerfulness and fun.  She likes sparkly things, but unless I spend a boatload of money on tinsely yarn I can't really crochet her anything sparkly.  :)  I made her a scarf and flower pin for Christmas, and I didn't want to make her anything that I'd made anyone else already.  The idea came into my mind that the basketweave stitch would make a great placemat stitch, so today I made my first one:

Placemat numero uno.

Mmmm...yummy texture!  Not too shabby for my first attempt!

The colors of these placemats was inspired by my flowers.  :)

I'm hoping to make one in each of six different spring/summer colors, and flower-buttoned napkin rings to match.  If I have yarn left over, I'll make a vase cozy to match it all and pull in the whole table ensemble.  :)  I sure hope she likes it when all is said and done!  :)  To be honest, I may have to purchase more yarn and make some myself...I don't have a single crocheted thing around the house for US yet, and I really love the texture of these placemats!

Missing Sisters

In spite of a fairly productive day (cleaning literally the whole house, reading a friend's story-in-progress, a nice scripture study as I prepare for my talk this Sunday, taking care of my herb garden, and making spaghetti sauce from scratch for dinner tonight, and it's only 1:15), I'm kinda bummin'.  Why?

I miss my sisters.

My two sisters are pretty much my best friends.  Sure, I have Paul, and in the end he is my best friend in the whole world.  And then there's Lindsey, my "BFF" since I was 12.  But my sisters?  Well, there is just something special about the bond of sisterhood, anyway, and I have the two coolest sisters ever on top of that.

Alas, Charissa is on a just-for-fun trip with some friends enjoying the sunny beaches of Florida, and Cerene (and Caida) left Sunday evening to go back home.

Pros:
1. I'm happy for both of them.  Charissa saw dolphins and a whale from her hotel balcony, and Cerene got to work some things out with her fiance.  Yay!
2. My time is completely my own again.  The house is in a better state than it was the last two weeks, and I can crochet when I want to crochet.  Yay!
3. Our food budget is lasting a lot longer!  ;)

Cons:
1. My heart is achy inside.
2. I don't totally know what to do with all this time on my hands now, and I find myself wishing that I could trade the clean kitchen sink or the freshly vacuumed floors for the laughter of Caida as she played on the Wii or the talks about nothing with Cerene.
3. I have no motivation, without Cerene here, to go to aerobics in the morning.  Who else can be completely uncoordinated and out-of-breath after the first 10 minutes with me?  And without Caida, I have no motivation to plan extra fun things, like make cookies or go to the park.  I also have less motivation to eat better, now that no one is watching me and asking for a piece of whatever I eat...

I'm eating a whole big bowl of homemade mac-n-cheese and missing them like crazy today.  :/  That's all.

Pay It Forward Gift #3!

For my friend Robin, I thought I'd crochet up a hat/purse/pin set that was sort of a throwback to a different era...with a modern twist.  It suits my friend Robin perfectly...I can't wait to see what she thinks of it! 

Here's the hat:

Pattern found for free HERE.  This is the most accurate picture as far as the colors go. 

And here's the purse I ended up choosing:

Free pattern HERE (although I tweaked it a bit for my hook size).

And here's the pin:

You can make the slinky flower by following the instructions HERE, and then I just added a ribbon bow and a cute button.  :)

Here are a few pics of the three together.  :)

3 down, 1 to go! 

Voodoo

This is a picture of Obsidian, our black lab/greyhound mix:

And this is a picture of Voodoo, my sister's new black lab/dachshund mix:

See any resemblance?

Voodoo

Obi

Both of them looking at me...

Both of them sleeping!

I told Cerene that if it didn't work out, I would adopt Voodoo without hesitation.  Is it bad that I'm secretly hoping that things don't work out?  :)

Just an update

I really need to learn to bring my camera places.  All the time.  :)

This week has been busy, but not as busy as last.  Firstly, I'm adjusting to the new schedule/routine.  Secondly, Cerene and Caida have been spending a lot more time with my mom and my other sister in the afternoons, so I get more time to do things I need to. 

Still, it's been fun.  We went to our second week of aerobics in the mornings, and I'm hoping that it'll be SOON that we adjust to all this activity because we don't even last the full half hour that we stay!  On Tuesday, it was hot and sunny enough that Charissa and I took Caida swimming--but the pool was SO cold that none of us lasted long!  Yesterday, we took Cerene and Caida out for Thai food (our favorite!) and then to Coldstone.  Cerene loved it SO much, and now it's her favorite food ever.  We are so sisters.  :)  Caida was really brave and tried everything we all had, and liked it all, which is impressive for a 6-year-old.  Kinda sad that I have to bribe them with food to spend time with me, but I'm not above that.  :)  In theory, later today we're going to walk the trails at Happy Hollow Park, and then tomorrow we're going to run some errands and do some shopping.

And, of course, the homeschooling has continued.  I'm almost done planning the whole summer's lesson plans, so even if Cerene and Caida leave for home this weekend after all she'll have some structure and something to do each day.  It's been really fun to see Caida learn and grow, even in this short time.  Even though most of everything we're doing is a review for Kindergarten standards, it's amazing to me how much she can do now compared with how much she could do this time last year.  She can add pretty much any two numbers in a variety of ways, and is starting to notice some patterns in addition and memorize some of those math facts.  When she's really focused, she sounds out words SO well (for a kindergartener, she's impressive), and that goes for reading and writing.  The biggest thing I've noticed is that she's just a fast learner.  I can teach her something once or twice and it just sticks with her.  Especially in math.  I showed her how to use a number line to add or subtract, and then a hundred's chart...and she pretty much does it on her own every time now.  Her teachers made her feel so stupid, and some people have constantly been telling her she's slow and too unfocused and pretty much making her feel like she isn't smart/good/pretty/fun enough to be worth anything, but I don't get that at all--and I'm saying that as objectively as I can, as a teacher instead of an aunt.  So I'm working on building that confidence up by showing her what she can do instead of praising blindly.  I wish I had more time with her.

Otherwise, this week has been pretty standard, and entirely craft free. (I know, crazy!)  I have been reading Three Cups of Tea, and while I don't usually enjoy biographies (too much tooting of horns), this story is really quite interesting.  I've been trying to get caught up on dishes/laundry/all those things that slip through your fingers when you're entertaining guests, and maybe by this weekend I'll be good.  And my herb garden is mostly growing well...except for the lettuce in my flowerbed.  Somehow it all died/disappeared between yesterday's watering and today.  :)

Why I Believe Wednesday: BYU

Once again, this week has slipped right past me!  Sorry it's a day late!

When I was a senior in high school and trying to figure out where I wanted to go to school, I of course prayed about the major decision, in the most responsible way I knew how.  I researched the facts about each of my choices, compared prices, considered my current family circumstances, and in the end it was down to two schools: Purdue, my parents' alma mater and in my hometown, or Brigham Young University, the Church school that was 1500 miles away from home but was pretty much Mormon Central.  In fact, the reality of the situation was that I really wanted to go to BYU--to experience the mountains, be close to so much Church influence, and get away from my family to find out who I was without them (not to mention get away from the drama!) while still being in a very positive and safe environment.  I know people have a lot to say about the bubble that is Provo, but it looked pretty darn appealing to me. 

But I was scared.

I mean, it WAS 1500 miles away.  And my family had become so crazy and enmeshed in some ways and I had been told so many times that I was the glue that held my family together that I honestly feared for not only myself but all of them...what would become of us all if I left?  I didn't have a ton of friends in high school, but the ones I did have were almost all going to Purdue--including my best friend.  Other than two people from my stake (who I pretty much never saw, anyway), I didn't know anyone at BYU.  I knew what I wanted, but Purdue seemed more and more attractive the more I thought about all the scary, unknown things that would await.

So I prayed.  And I prayed and I prayed.  I applied for scholarships, and got them at both places--enough that the prices of both ended up being fairly comparable.  The answer never really came as I was trying to make a decision.  I'd heard that not getting a clear answer could mean a few things...either I wasn't prepared enough, or wasn't listening hard enough, or maybe the answer was that either would be fine and it truly was up to me. 

After talking with some mentors and friends, I realized that the only thing really holding me back was my fear.  I vowed then and there to never let fear be a deciding factor in any major life decision, and so far at least I think I've done all right with that.  So off we went, driving cross-country a few weeks before school started in the fall of 2001, to meet my roommates and start a new chapter of my life.

The really cool thing is that as we drove into the valley, and as I looked up and saw that great big "Y" on the mountain, I got the confirmation I had been looking for all along those months earlier.  I felt excited and awed and listened to, and I just knew that I had made the right decision after all. 

Years later, a bishop's wife told me that she had a similar experience in regards to marrying her husband--she never really felt strongly prompted one way or the other, and decided to take her chances and follow her heart, and the morning after as she looked over and saw his face she got her "two-by-four" answer, the confirmation she had been looking for all along.

I don't know all the reasons I was meant to go to BYU--I mean, I never met Mr. Wonderful there, and I didn't even get to finish my degree!  But would I choose differently today?  No, never!  I made dear, close, forever friends there.  I learned a lot about myself, and I got to get away from some pretty big stresses of my life.  Maybe it didn't work out the way I wanted it to, but it worked out for the best in the end.  And it was quite the ride. 

I know for a fact that the Lord hears our prayers and answers them, "in His own due time."  I'm grateful, though, that He lets us struggle through decisions sometimes.  As a teacher, there isn't much to celebrate when I walk a student through every single step of something they've done a hundred times, and no one grows in that situation.  Heavenly Father, the ultimate Teacher, gave me 18 years of practice in the decision-making department, and He knew that it was time for me to stop expecting Him to just give me the answers all the time and start thinking and acting for myself.  It doesn't always FEEL like that in the moment, but hindsight...well, y'know.  :)  I know He's always right.  And I know He's watching out for me.  That's why I believe.