Anxiously Engaged...

All fat jokes aside, this is how I feel sometimes. :) Except it's more like the ball rolls out from under my feet and my face plants into the sand...

I realized yet again yesterday how awful I am at balancing my life. I realize that, with the exception of maybe a few extremely amazing individuals, most people are not quite balanced in this world and that finding that state of mind is a lifetime pursuit. However, how will I learn unless I admit my own shortcomings? Balance is even trickier because what is "enough" for one person in one realm of life is "too much" for another...we need more of the things we are weak in, which is ironic because those weaknesses are usually the things we struggle and shy away from.

With wedding planning, I wanted to make sure that Paul and I paid for the bulk of the expenses and that we got what we wanted, not putting anyone out (because, frankly, that's how some people make it seem). I have since then learned how many people feel left out of our "big day" and want something to do. It is a struggle, finding something for everyone to do that doesn't take away from the "fun" of it for either them or me, and finding that something for a dozen other individuals, too.

And yet, if I just do it all myself, not only will that sadden some people but it will drive me crazy! Wedding plans are getting away from us quickly and the closer it comes to May 15th and May 22nd the more stressed out and the more poor both Paul and I become. And being engaged is only the beginning!

So I am forced to take things one day at a time and hope that whether we have lots of food and music at a semi-fancy reception or we live in a cardboard box, the Lord will take care of us and the big goal of getting married in the temple will be accomplished either way.

Pop Art :)

I'm not quite sure why I wanted to put this picture up today, or why I chose that particular title. I feel whimsical in a fatigued way. I want to play with toys. I miss playing with tinkertoys and legos, polly pockets and flash cards. I don't get to play with them anymore, not because I'm too old but because I'm too BUSY! I don't know when that will change...maybe never...

I feel reminiscent. I want to watch Saturday morning cartoons with a big bowl full of Lucky Charms and a wooden spoon. I want to have to chance to be bored. I want to be so full of energy that I never want a nap!

Mini-rant, 'cause I'm irked.

I woke up this morning and Bruce Atticus (my computer) wasn't connecting to the internet because he doesn't like me anymore. Once Paul came over, of course, he started to behave.

Six weeks ago, I got my ears pierced. I cleaned them regularly and anxiously awaited the day when I wouldn't have to sleep in my studs, because they made my ears so dang tender. Yesterday, for Valentine's day, I took out the studs and put in these other pretty earrings that matched my engagement ring. Then, when I had to sleep, I took them out. And this morning my ears had two pea-sized balls of tissue and who knows what else in them, and I can't get any earrings through them without drawing blood and pus. Gross, I know. I'm not too happy about it myself.

Boo on 89 days!

Love Poem of the Day :) "Give All to Love"

Give all to love; Obey thy heart; Friends, kindred, days, Estate, good-fame, Plans, credit and the Muse, Nothing refuse.
'T is a brave master; Let it have scope: Follow it utterly, Hope beyond hope: High and more high It dives into noon, With wing unspent, Untold intent; But it is a god, Knows its own path And the outlets of the sky.
It was never for the mean; It requireth courage stout. Souls above doubt, Valor unbending, It will reward, They shall return More than they were, And ever ascending.
Leave all for love; Yet, hear me, yet, One word more thy heart behoved, One pulse more of firm endeavor, Keep thee to-day, To-morrow, forever, Free as an Arab Of thy beloved.
Cling with life to the maid; But when the surprise, First vague shadow of surmise Flits across her bosom young, Of a joy apart from thee, Free be she, fancy-free; Nor thou detain her vesture's hem, Nor the palest rose she flung From her summer diadem.
Though thou loved her as thyself, As a self of purer clay, Though her parting dims the day, Stealing grace from all alive; Heartily know, When half-gods go, the gods arrive.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wedding Dress!

I got my wedding dress in the mail yesterday, and it is BEAUTIFUL!!! I'm so so so stoked. Is it May yet? :)

Two more people!

I still have room for two more people on that previous post...any takers?

Feeling lucky?

Lucky You!! Clair has a really fun sort of giveaway/tag going on. So, I'm playing along. Check it out!

Lucky you! The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!

2. What I create will be just for you.

3. It'll be done this year. {might be a little while}

4. You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a story. It may be poetry or an article on properly cleaning your face before a masque. I may draw or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!

5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must repost this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. The first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me! *Oh, and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it!*

Oddities

Today was an odd day. I had my first day back at work, as well as my first day at the elementary schools for my Purdue classes, and both at the same elementary school. It was odd because no one had any idea I was going to come, and I was scheduled at various places for work in which students were gone for specials, recess, or lunch...and then I had to keep running around the building to get back into the school and hunt down my supervisor to try to rearrange. Then, in the afternoon, my mentor teacher had no idea I was supposed to actually teach today, and I had no chance to really tell her until the end of the day because she had a horde of teachers from other schools observing her, videotaping her, and asking all sorts of questions. It was a busy, chaotic day and I really am only glossing over all of it, but in summary it was one of those Alice in Wonderland days where up is down and you feel like you may as well have two heads.

I'm excited, though. Once things settle down into a routine, it's going to be a great semester! :)

Simple Pleasures

Little girls in petticoats jumproping under a spring tree...can it get any better? It's the ultimate symbol of innocent, youthful, simple pleasure. (At least it is to me...)

It's snowing again...big, fluffy flakes coming down hard and fast. I hate winter, but I have to admit, it's awfully beautiful sometimes. But I wouldn't jumprope out in this.

The idea of pleasure is almost foreign to me these days...I spent literally almost all day yesterday, from 7am 'til 12am, doing homework! Granted, some of that was interesting and fun, and a lot of that was me trying to get ahead so that I don't feel like I'm trying to play catch-up all semester long...but still! I did take a brief hour to catch the last half of a Disney Channel Original Movie, "Pixel Perfect." Boy, was THAT weird! Disney can be so hit-and-miss sometimes.

What gives me pure, simple, wonderful pleasure? Writing (which I don't do nearly enough of), music (which I neither listen to nor produce as much as I used to), trying a new art medium (how long has it been since we all did THAT?), working at the elementary school (which I haven't done for almost two months...although I will get to start again this week!), sleeping (which, I'll admit, I do WAY too much of!), and spending quality time with Paul. Pretty much most of all whenever I am involved in the act of creating something beautiful or meaningful and then sharing what I do/know/have with others who I love and care about, I'm a happy girl. I don't get giddy or excited easily, but I'm amused quite easily.

Today I realized something quite profound. I've been in a negative slump lately, mostly out of exhaustion and anxiety and ungratefulness and lots of other things, and I didn't know how that happened. It was so gradual a process. Sometimes we have good days and bad days, but these days have been on a continuum leading nowhere...I realized today that at least one cause, or maybe an effect, of this is that I use the word "hate" a lot and "like/love" not a lot. "Hate" is a strong, loaded word and I almost never used to use it, and I still never would about a person themselves. But things like, "I hate the winter," "I hate when people do that," "I hate not knowing what I'm supposed to do," and so forth really have put me in a place where I've become quite comfortable with using that word in my everyday conversations about everything and nothing. In contrast, where I used to say things like, "I like your dress," "I love this movie," and "I appreciate your time," now there is silence, filled with negatives in my head, "I hate my wardrobe," "I need more money so I can buy this movie," and "Hurry up, already." Which came first, the words or the negativity, I'm not sure. But I believe that words are very powerful things, filled with the ability to shape our thoughts and inclinations, desires and dreams, and that if we use the right ones, we can make our lives so much happier. Words are one of my favorite simple pleasures, and I want to use them rightly.

It is finished!

I think they turned out pretty well...lots of flowers and all in pinks, yellow, and white! I must admit, I have really enjoyed learning all about floral arranging for this wedding, and I can't wait until one of my friends or sisters or so forth gets married so that I can help her with all the flowers! After all this, I'm practically a pro! The pics above are with and without flash, so you can get the "whole picture." :)